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    May 15, 2008

    I am a selfish mom sometimes

    Another Thursday with Max has come and gone. He's fast sleep in the next room. I am laying in bed getting subtle relief from the Advil I took for my migraine. Although I've had this migraine all day today, I didn't realize it was happening until after I put Max to bed. When I am with Max nothing else really matters. I miss phone calls. I forget to check the mail. I don't do the dishes. I am only with him.  Thursdays are the highlight of my week.

    Today, Max had a quick visit to the doctors. Over the long weekend he had a fever for a few days but Julien and I just assumed he was teething. He had been drooling a lot over the weekend and his cheeks were red. Noting else seemed out of the ordinary so I didn't worry. But then on Monday a few spots showed up all over his body. Chicken pox? Maybe it was for real this time? But something about the way these bumps looked did not say chicken pox to me.  And the doctor confirmed that they were not but instead Max had the tail end of Roseola. The doctor reassured me there was nothing to worry about and that in a few days the spots would be completely gone.

    After spending the afternoon riding trains, playing with friends, making a mess in a toy store and riding more trains we made it home. Dinner, bath and bed. I find myself trying to relaxing with a migraine.  I lay in bed right now thinking about today and remembered soemthing new Max did today. When I push the stroller I often talk to Max and explain to him things I see. Sometimes I sing silly songs I make up. Or we play a game where he repeats what I say.  If there is a moment when I haven't said anything, Max yells,  "Ma ma?!?" The last syllable of Ma ma raised as he saying,"are you there?" And I always respond, "Yes, Max... I am here." And our conversation starts again.

    Another new thing he's started doing is when we're on the metro and I am sitting next to him he reaches over and grabs my hand and pulls it close to his face and cuddles it.  I tickle the soft baby skin of his neck and he smiles and rests his cheek against my palm. Warms my heart through and through....

    We are waiting to hear if Max will have a place in the Creche this fall.  If he does get a spot then that  means he will be in day care full time and our Thursdays together will probably come to an end. I think I am secretly hoping that he won't get a spot but financially speaking it will be the best thing for our family. The nanny is expensive. I am still getting used to being a full time working mom.  I have moments when the guilt of being away from Max overwhelms me to the point that sometimes I come home from work and rush back to Max's room and scoop up his sleeping form and cuddle him in my arms.  Most nights I can refrain from doing that and just stand at the door and listen to him sleep. But sometimes it's just plus fort que moi...

    I know this will get easier in time... I just need some more time.

    May 10, 2008

    Is this thing still on?

    I haven't logged into Typepad in what it seems like ages to me. I honestly haven't had a down moment to myself to properly compose a blog post. I have had swarms of thoughts invading my mind lately. All of them coming to me when I lay down to go to bed. I lay there for a second and think, "should I get up and blog?", my eyes close and before I know it it's morning. 

    My routine nowadays is as follows:

    - Wake at 7am to "Ma ma ma ma MA!" or "Da da da da DA!"
    - Say goodbye to Julien around 7h45.
    - Breakfast for Max around 8h00 
    - Play until 9h20
    - Head to the park around 9h30 and let Max practice his walking skills until 10h00 and then off to Tata's.
    - 10h05, I am off for my morning courses which include fresh flowers, newspapers and baguettes.
    - I arrive at the tea house around 10h30am.
    - Deliver from the my fruit and veggie guy around 10h45. I've started the day's cookies and am usually watching Grey's Anatomy or The Office.
    - I have the veggies and fruit prepped by 11h00 and the cookies are nearly done. I usually have time to sit down and drink a coffee with the woman who owns the restaurant across the street. All the while, saying hello to my fellow shop owners who work on the Rue de la Butte aux Cailles. 
    - Lunch crowd starts showing up around 12h15 and I'm pretty busy until about 14h00. 
    - I eat lunch about 14h30.
    - I usually bake another goodie in the afternoon (today it was orange-cranberry scones) or I call my suppliers and place orders for things that we need. 
    - Tea time starts up around 16h30 and I'm usually quite busy until around 18h30. 
    Weekdays we close at 19h00, Fridays and weekends we close at 20h00.
    - I'm home from work about an hour after we close.  Max is sleeping. I usually bring home dinner for Julien and I. We sit and catch up on each other's day or watch one of our TV shows. I think about table cloths I want to sew after dinner but end up just hanging out with Julien listening to Max sleeping through the baby monitor. 
    - I am usually in bed by 23h30 at the latest.

    And it all starts again the next day....

    Do you know your military time? I guess you will now. 

    The new routine is settling in well. My feet have adjusted.  My appetite has as well. Getting accustomed to a late lunch has gotten me used to a very late dinner.  If we ever move to Spain, I'm ready for the late dinners they are known for.  I've completely stopped cooking at home. The house is mostly stocked with things Max eats and comté cheese. The latter is what Julien likes to eat after work.  The laundry gets done sometimes.  The apt seems a bit unlived in lately... consistant piles have made their appearances through out the apt. Max's things for Tata's in the hall way. My work clothes next to the bed. The mail for the tea house in the livingroom. Clean laundry to-be folded on the couch.  But so far, we're ok with the piles.

    I don't really know what the point of this post was except to say Hi and that things are going alright. I find time to Twitter, I mean who doesn't? But Twitter isn't something I can look back in a year from now and read and remember. So, I am going to try to make an effort to write more often. Even if it is just a list or two... these are things I don't want to forget.

    Something that I did forget to do is Max's 13 month newsletter.  So, I have been writing his 14th month newsletter in my head for the past few days because so much has happened! And his 14th month will coincide with my 31st year of existence.  Am I the only one here but does it seem like this year has just flown by already? 

    Well, I'll leave you with the song that I have in my head right at this moment:

    I'm off to close up shop....

    May 01, 2008

    Connection

    The year was 1999. It was my last year in college. I had just returned from a year abroad in France and I felt like a complete fish out of water.  I felt so much older than everyone else and my class pace at the University of Kansas just seemed so slow compared to the year I had just spent in France.  On a whim, I applied for a job as a scholarship hall director on campus. I had returned from France without a place to live or a job.  I interviewed for the position which is normally only open to graduate students (I will still an under grad) and an hour after the interview I received an email from the department of housing with a job offer. I was in charge of 50 girls in a scholarship hall right on campus.  Choice living conditions for a student without a car. And I had a sweet apartment in the hall for free.  That year was a pretty amazing year. For the first time in 3 years I really enjoyed going to class.   Most seniors I knew that year were had a schedule crammed with last minute requirements to fill whereas I was able to take that obscure French class just for the fun of it.   And on top of it, I had a very enjoyable job of taking care of 50 women at the scholarship hall. During the first month I made a huge effort to get to know all my residents. Know their names. Their major and what they liked to eat. I was responsible for keeping the fridge and pantry filled as well. I spent time in the kitchen cooking with my residents and eating dinner every night at a different table. 

    Nearly 10 years later, a few of my residents still stand out in my mind.  Many of the other's names have slipped my mind as I'm sure they have forgotten their SHD as well.  Ah, time... how you make us forget. But late last year I was contacted an old resident of mine.   At the time Laura was working as a design editor out in California.  I was thrilled to hear from her again.   Laura was one of the residents I clearly remembered.  She was a freshman the year I was an SHD.  From Texas and she had a little twang in her voice.  I remember her tall figure and her sheepish smile the very first time we met.  I remember going by her room and admiring her photos. She was studying photography. I even remember once she had an important date and was looking for something to wear. She came to my apt and asked if I had anything that would go with the cute black dress she was wearing.  I have to tell you that Laura is nearly 6 feet tall. And with me at just barely 5'7", I didnt' have much to offer her. But the moment has been ingrained in my mind as I can still smile remember her trying on my cardigans only for them to be too short on her.   After we found each other again we exchanged several emails and  caught ourselves up on what we had been up to. She married another scholhaller. Traveled and move to California.   The year we lived together I felt like a sort of sister to her.  Laura just recently became the editor at JPG Magazine.  When I first heard the news I can't tell you how thrilled and proud I was of Laura.  She recently blogged on JPG blog about a new theme called Favorite Hangouts where she mentioned my café talks about how JPG connects people.  It is so true because that's exactly how we found each other as well.  So, here's to keeping in touch even in the most unique ways.

    April 17, 2008

    Thursdays with Max

    Today, we got up early and ended up having a mid morning nap and then headed to Ikea to pick up some things for the café. I was looking for a curtain for the door way of the café but ended up getting these great square mirrors for the wall by the bathroom. I can't wait to put those up tomorrow.  Picked up some pitchers for drinking water, broke one while unloading the car.  Found a cute little soap dispenser for the bathroom. And that's about it... Had Swedish meatballs for lunch as did Max. We had to keep him from shoving them in his mouth. His chipmunk cheeks sure do hold a lot of grub.

    I am in the process of changing the tea cups we use today. But I have yet to find my style. I found a few pieces at Ikea that I liked but then I thought, "This is Ikea." and I remembered some of the bowls we have from Ikea at home and how easily they chip. So, I am looking into some nice-ish porcelain tea sets. Something that is durable and a bit more resistant to chipping that Ikea.

    After we dropped off our shopping buddy, we headed to the café and dropped things off then straight home. Max was a good sport until I got the car parked and then it was screaming banshee time.  But we got home in the nick of time, kicked off our shoes and played on the floor in his bedroom. All was well.  We read books and laughed and threw the ball around.  Max is obsessed with balls these days. I layed on the floor watching Max collect the balls from his new toy as he's throw them again and again chasing after them. Endless entertainment.  I couldn't believe how big he looked. He'd see me laying on the floor watching him and he'd crawl over in turbo mode and plant a big wet kiss on my cheek. Cuddle with me and lay next to me for a few on the floor. And then off he'd go and play again...

    I am grateful for this day in the week. As tired as I may feel right now the moments we share are priceless.  We played so hard today that after his bath, when he was freshly powdered and dressed he started to fall asleep in my arms. Sucking his thumb and snuggling in the nook of my neck. I can still smell his clean baby smell on my clothes and hands. I can already tell that memories of our Thursdays together will be of laughter and Baby Magic.

    April 13, 2008

    Epuisé

    Tired.

    I am so tired.  Exhausted. Drained. 

    But somehow in the morning I find myself recharged and ready to start a new day.  The thought of going to my own kitchen in my own café still floors me. 

    Another weekend has come and gone. This time no petage de plomb. It was a weekend full of coffee and couples. Students and sweets. Tea tasting and Twittering.  There was even a moment where both Lydia and I were able to sit down and have lunch together (which is rare). Sunday was fairly quiet, we had a steady stream of customers. .  Right at tea time the skies opened up and started to pour down.  Within in a minute, ALL of our tables were full. It remained full until we closed. I was home by 8:00pm.

    If this is my new work routine?  I must say, I absolutely love it.




    April 10, 2008

    A new tooth popped out...

    A new tooth popped out and I missed it.

    and I missed it....

    The separation from Max is a lot harder than I realized it would be. I kept reminding myself that this would be so good for Max. Good for him to be around other children. A wonderful growing experience.  During his first week, the adaptation week, I cried everyday after I dropped him off. Only one day was it so bad that I broke down in front of Tata.  Now Max has been going to Tata's for two weeks and he seems to really love it. I feel a tinge of jealousy when I drop him off, seeing Tata scoop him up and give him a hug.  I am standing at the door watching someone else take care of my child.  This is the price I pay to pursue my dream.

    Do I sound bitter? I feel a little bit bitter. Are these feelings I have normal? I have to think that they are. I just don't know how to deal with them just yet. I think that if I can get my Thursdays organized and prioritized, I can make the most of this day with Max perhaps this bitterness will go away. 

    Last night, Max woke up crying and he only wanted his father.  I went to him first because  I hadn't seen him the entire day. When he saw me he cried even harder and moaned for "da da". Julien came and scooped him up and he stopped crying.  Is this his way of telling me he having a hard time adjusting? Two hours later, he finally let me hold him. I was on the brink of tears because I so desperately needed to hold my baby.  He collapsed into my arms and let me rock him while he sucked his thumb. Does he forgive me for leaving him during the day?

    I am worn and ragged around the edges and I'm just starting this adventure. No one said it would be easy this dream of mine...Like I really asked around but this is my naive self talkin' here who didn't realize what it'd feel like to miss my son's new tooth. I guess I better prepare myself for other firsts I am bound to miss... but dang it, I hope that I catch a few on my days off with Max.

    I've decided to...

     

    Forget the housework today and let myself lay. I am laying down listening to Max's sleepy mumbles as he falls off to sleep. I've got to keep things simple. And remember it is ok to rest.

    How to juggle it all?

    I work everyday of the week now. Just like I did when I was a stay at home mom with Max. Granted the work I do now is very much different than mothering and nurturing Max everyday.  Harder? I wouldn't say so. Different. Yes, indeed. 

    Now I guess I am considered a full time working mom. I work six days a week and have one day (Thursdays) off  from the café.  Max goes to the baby sitters 4 days a week and we spend Thursdays together.  I find that even though I am not physically working in the café, I am still doing café work at home (planning, sewing, calling suppliers, running errands etc..) on my day off and on top of that taking care of Max. 

    I need to learn to juggle. Toute de suite!

    Right now the apartment is a huge disaster area. The kitchen is a mess. The hall way is a mess. Our bedroom is a mess. Laundry piled all over the place.  I have no idea where to start.  Thursdays is also my day to clean as well.

    So, let's see here... on Thursdays:

    - Max.
    - I get things done for the café that I can't get done every other day of the week.
    - I need to clean the apartment.
    - Figure out dinner situation for the rest of the coming week.
    - Run family errands.

    What would I like to do on Thursdays? I guess all of the above and try to find some time to relax.  Right now I am battling a wicked sinus infection and what I really NEED to do it sleep but I can not because of well that list of things up above which looms in my mind.

    How do you juggle it all?  Sure, I can let things go like cleaning the apt but after a while it has to be done.  And yes, we can eat take out for dinner but we can't do that every night. Remember Le Muffin Maximus... I'm still trying to tame the beast.

    Sigh.

    Max isn't having it with the nap today. So, my chance of taking a quick one probably won't happen either.
    Give me some time and maybe I'll figure it out but for now... I'm completely lost on how you full time working moms do it. Could you share your secrets with this newbie mama, please?

    April 08, 2008

    Café Characters

    I'm going to start introducing to the blogosphere the people who are often seen at the café.  Of course, with their express permission.  You will see some of my Paris entourage for sure and some new faces of people who I have met through the café. These people have at one time worked for the café's previous owner. And with the sale of the café,  I have inherited a lovely network of people who truly are amazing. 

    I'd like to first introduce you to Louisa.  My quirky part-time server who lives next door to the café. She helps me out on Mondays and Tuesdays.  There is never a dull moment when Louisa is around.


    Petage de plomb*

    *Or to blow a fuse (literally and figuratively)

    Yes, it happened while we were in the middle a huge lunch rush. On a Sunday of all days.  For a moment there, the café was plunged into semi darkness. Only the light from the huge windows filtering through.  The clientele seemed unphased and continued on with their leisurely conversations.  A few looking over to me in the kitchen. I smiled and acted like nothing was wrong. Except that we had no lights in the kitchen, no lights in the bathroom, no dish washer and NO OVEN. The no oven part was worrisome as I use the oven to make the main course for the brunch which is the feuilletés and quiche.  While my staff buzzed around me, I continued to make lovely salade composé for the feuilletés that had been ordered. And watched calmly as they started to pull appliances out from the shelves to figure out another way to get some juice to them. A few frantic looks from my girls, I then figured it was time to call Julien. Within 10 minutes he was at the café with Maximilien in tow.  Good thing my lovely friend, Stefanie (Thank you, Stefanie!) and her husband were there to occupy my very busy 12 month old while Julien went to work.  A few minutes later we had light! The buzz of all the appliances surged on and were fully operational. Brunch was saved and all ended well. 

    I was pleased to see that the books that I had brought over the night before were getting some use. Customers started pulling down books to thumb through to pass the time.  Exactly what I wanted these books to be used for. A Spanish couple mentioned to me they were happy to find that  had put a Paris guidebook on the shelf. While they waited for their œufs à la coque they jotted down places to visit later that day.

    Standing behind the counter during my very first brunch rush was really surreal. I did not see the time pass except for when the fuse blew and those 20 minutes felt like an eternity.  But I kept cool, knowing that if I did not panic my staff would not either. I told everyone to smile and act normal and that all would be just fine.  I have been dubbed "zen" by my two part-time servers.  I like that. 

    April 07, 2008

    Stuck on the Metro

    Mon 07.04.2008 15:49
    Mon 07.04.2008 15:49


    Test post from my cell phone

    Lifeblog post

    Mon 07.04.2008 11:24 07042008304
    Mon 07.04.2008 11:24 07042008304


    April 04, 2008

    Our life revolves around the café kitchen

    Our Life revolves around the cafe kitchen

    Touched

    Cafe corner

    I arrived to work today to find this lovely bouquet of flowers waiting for me. These flowers were sent to me by a faithful reader of my blog who goes by the name of Tiffany.  Thank you so much! What a wonderful surprise to find these this morning. My eyes stung with happy tears as I read your very sweet note.  This bouquet quickly found it's home on one of my wooden tables. 

    Again, thank you, Tiffany.  I am overwhelmed by your gesture.  I hope have a cup of tea with you someday soon.

    April 03, 2008

    First day, recap.

    My first offical day open went very, very well. I was a little late arriving to the cafe so my plan to make my gateau au chocolate fondant in the morning for the day did not work out. I had just enough time to finish taking out the boxes from our tea deliveries (note to self, take care of stuff like this the night before!) before my delivery of salé for the lunch menu arrived and I needed to put everything away.  Elle arrived with the fresh fruits and veggies for the day and then quickly ran back out to the boulangerie for our daily bread run and pick up a lovely tarte aux rhubarbe we ordered the night before. We chopped, and sliced and washed and spun and laughed and worked together like a team. It was so great. 

    First_customer_lisa2_3 Then right at 11am my first customer arrived. It was my friend, Lisa. Very fitting that Lisa be my first customer because she was there from the very, very beginning on that day we went to Sunday brunch at the café  and I saw the sign that said fond de commerce à vendre.

    Lisa is a writer and as you know writers need a constant stream of coffee/tea and sweets to keep the pen moving.  She's found her spot, in the window. What I call the pink table, my favorite table cloth I've made so far. Lisa wrote a lovely blog about her visit and you can read about it here.  And she snapped some candid shots of me getting things prepared for the day.  It was a lovely way to start the day.  I have her first euros she spent on her Yogi Chai. I must figure out how to frame that. :) 

    I had not seen the day come to an end. Working in the café is so different than the jobs I'm used to. I was tired when I got home. It was a physical fatigue not a mental one.  I remember days when I'd get home from my office job where I had spent hours in front of the computer, I felt brain dead and wanted to do nothing but shut down. But last night, I felt mentally energized.  This must be what it's like to work and live your dream. My feet need some time adjusting and I need to invest in some good hand lotion. I washed lots and lots of tea pots yesterday.

    Today, is my day off during the week. Thursdays are what I call Max and Mama days.  We got up early (he is my alarm clock) and had breakfast and then headed to the Prefacture de Police and applied for our liquor license.  I called and got Internet installed in the café.  I ran across Paris and got my "lost" package of fabrics which are destine to become table cloths. I even got to take a nap with Max which was so lovely. I know that Thursdays will become a day I cherish from now

    There is a huge mound of laundry that needs to be folded. Julien has graciously started in but I better go and help so that maybe we get to bed early tonight. Which means before midnight for once...

    À demain from the café... via Twitter, bien sûr.

     

    April 02, 2008

    Butterflies

    I've got them. Big time. I feel like it's the first day of school or something. You know how you lay out your outfit for the first day of school. Well, I did the exact same thing. Threadless tee. Black skirt. Haven't decided on the shoes yet but I'll probably wear my old standard Converse All Stars.

    The café fridge is packed. We have two of the three shipments of tea. We have good coffee. I'm going to make a mini fondant au chocolat this morning. I think we're ready to go...

    I'll be twittering today from my cell phone as we do not have Internet.... yet. 

    Have a good day, everyone! And if you're in Paris, stop by and say hi and stay a while. :)

    March 31, 2008

    It's official!

    Today has been the longest day ever.  My feet are swollen from all the running around today. Les impots, la banque, les impots, Metro, the lawyers office....  My head is swimming in fatigue. My cuticals are in a horrible state due from all the stress. But it's all over now... we've signed the sale of the café. The owner has officially passed the keys to me. The keys to my dream!

    The keys to my dream!

    We shopped (in awe) at Metro today and bought supplies and goodies for the café. Tomorrow, the café will be closed. The passation de pouvoir  will occur with the previous owner. She has graciously stayed in town to help me with the register and to let me in on any little astuces that us café owners need to know.  Wednesday, April 2nd is my first official day open. Will there be a poisson d'avril waiting for me? I guess we'll have to wait and see... So, please come by and visit and stay awhile.  The address of the café can be found here. And information on how to get there here. This is just a little blog I pulled together about the life around the café. And I will exercise my French writing skills, so be kind!

    I'm off to enjoy mes coup de champagne with Julien. And get some rest... starting tomorrow, I'm a full time working mama in my own café!!! I can hardly believe it!!

    March 29, 2008

    And there are hard days...

    I dropped Max off at Tata's. He was quietly sitting in his stroller as we approached her door.  The hallway dark as I hadn't tripped the minuterie to light the way.  I stood for a second before turning on the light but then Tata opened the door and was waiting for us.  She greeted us with a warm smile and reached out to get Max out of the stroller. She glanced at me and her face changed. I guess I wasn't hiding my feelings very well. I was wearing my emotions like a huge billboard across my forehead. 

    Just a few minutes before arriving to Tata's, Max and I strolled through the park by her apt and I saw a group of older women practicing Tai Chi.  The build of these women, the way they held their hands and the way they fixed their hair reminded me so much of my mother. One woman in particular was intrigued by my presence and she studied my face. A smiled appeared and she waved. I smiled back shyly and I felt the tears stinging my eyes. Any one of those women could have been my mother. I wished that she was one of them.

    Tata motioned for me to come in and I went and sat down on the her couch as she filled me in on the day's activities. Max was going to be Tata's only charge for the day as the other two children were on vacation.  I hugged Max to begin the goodbye process and he grasped tightly to my coat.  Tata watched but mostly looking at me, studying my face.  I felt the tears rising. I quickly stood up and I said "bye bye" to Max and he waved and said, "Ba, ba, Ma Ma". Before I ever realized it I was crying. I rushed for the door because I did not want Tata to see me upset.  When I am missing my mother and someone asks me what's wrong, I can not lie and say it's something else. I tell them that my mother died and I miss her. But responses like this make people uncomfortable so I try to avoid them if I can.  She stood in the doorway, shielding Max with her shoulder. I stood in the dark hallway pressing the elevator button as sheets of tears streamed down my face.  As I turned to bid them goodbye,  Tata quickly mentioned that Max shouldn't see me upset because that would only upset him. But I looked back at Max with tears in my eyes and he smiled and reached out for me. Giving me a sympathetic smile. One I've seen so many times when I am sad and missing my mom.  I said, "bye bye" and let the elevator door close.

    Should I let Max see me upset? Of course, he should see me upset.  If anything, Max has seen the entire array of emotions that I own.  I don't cry everyday but I do cry most days. I miss my mom and I tell Max that everyday. We look at her photo and I talk about her to him. He clutches the photo and gives it kisses. I honestly believe he  understands. 

    In the afternoon, I went to pick up Max and he was so excited to see me. He held his arms out to me, letting me falls into them as I inhaled his sweet baby scent.  The melancholia of today just seemed to melt away in that moment.  Walking home in the rain as my Converse sloshed and my wool coat hung heavy on my shoulders, I felt better. I imagined my mom if I had the chance to tell her about the cafe and I could see her reaction. Her clap and little jump that she'd do when she was excited about something. And before I knew it I was imitating her. I was standing in front of Max in the stroller clapping and jumping and Max broke into a series of baby giggles and clapped himself. 

    I will never hide my feelings from Max. Omma never hid hers from me and that is one of the strongest memories I keep of her.

    March 25, 2008

    Busy, busy...

    We are less than one week away from the final signature for the sale on the café.  Time is standing still. But as I feel like things are moving so slowly I can't shake this feeling that I won't get everything done before April 1.  I have lists. My lists have lists. My Moleskine is a huge mess. Note to self: get colored tab thingies for my Moleskine.

    Today was Maximilien's first day with the nanny. She refers to herself as Ta Ta to the children. This is the adaptation week so Max only spent an hour with her today while I stayed on. Tomorrow I will leave him for two hours.  Friday he will spend a half day with her. Next week on Monday he will spend most of the day with her and try to take a nap and then Tuesday is his first full day alone with Ta Ta.  Max knows something is going on.  He's been giving Julien and I hugs and wanting us to hold him a lot lately.  I've been telling him everyday about Ta Ta and that I will go back to work.  This change in his routine will be hard for him but I am hopeful he will become acclimated to it very soon.  The café will be open 7 days a week. I have Thursdays off and will keep Max with me.

    I can already tell this will be hard for me. Even today just sitting there watching Max play with the other children I felt very melancholy but kept it to myself the best I could. Ta Ta apparently could tell and said to me as we were leaving that it will get easier and that I can call and check on Max as much as I wanted to. I really do like her.

    So, what's left to do?

    - I have appointments with the Prefacture de Police to obtains liquor licenses and to get authorization for my terasse. Yes, there will be champagne sipping on my terasse this summer!

    - I have declarations to make at Les Impots, Urssaf and Assedic. I will be getting my fill of French administrative offices in the coming week!

    - I must call my tea suppliers and make my first orders for tea this week.

    - Apply for my Métro card. Apparently Métro is similar to Sam's or Costco in the US but only   for people who own their own businesses.

    - Figure out shelving for the café's cave which has very old walls that will not hold anything.

    - I am waiting on an order of fabric so I can quickly sew up some table cloths.

    - Decide on what desserts I'd like to serve the first week. I am thinking carrot cake and a chocolate cake. Maybe muffins, too.

    - Oh, and sign a huge check over and receive the keys to my café!

    I may not be blogging much in the coming week(s) but I am Twittering. My cell phone has internet access (I am what my friend calls hyper-connected) and I have been twittering quite a lot lately.  Something I twittered tonight I though I'd post here:

      Tweet me some titles to add to my play list for the cafe. What are you guys into these days?

    Twitter me back or leave me a comment. I'm paying the radio tax to play music in my café (yes, there is a tax to play music in own business!) so I am loading up my iPod with fresh new play lists. What would you want to hear playing in your café?


    March 20, 2008

    12 mois

    Dear Maximilien,

    Today, you are one years old. A year ago at this moment I sat in my hospital room looking at you sleeping in my arms feeling scared. Today, I feel comfortable in my new role and embrace it full everyday.  Last night after you went to bed, your father and I sat and talked about about how it's been a year already since you were born. We both couldn't believe how fast the 12 months had passed.  I can't explain to you the happiness that you've graced me with your existence, Max. It is so much bigger than anything I could ever dream of. 

     

    Mmmm, bread.  ..Peek..

    The last few months you've really been showing off your personality. You are to me the happiest baby I know. You are always smiling even when you're sad. You are like your mother in that you change your mood at the drop of  a hat.  One moment you're happy the next, you are frustrated. Then you will be sad and then very zen. You'll make a face and then you will be affectionate.

    8  11
    3

    Though you can not speak yet, your expressions speak loud and clear.  You can express yourself verbally. You say, "hello" and "ba ba" for goodbye. You say "door" when we are getting read to go out.  Of course, you say "Ma Ma" and "Da Da". And I think today you said "shooo" as I put on my converse today. You amaze me everyday. Just today, you did something you've never done before. We went to get you your first pair of shoes. You will be walking soon and your nanny has requested that you have proper walking shoes. She intends on getting you up and going on those two legs of yours. We went to the store and tried on two pairs of shoes.

    Oh, show me the attitude...   I am pretending that you are not taking my photo, Mama.

    The first pair didn't bother you at all. The second pair caused you to throw yourself down on the floor and kick and scream in a manner that I had never seen before. As I sat stunned on the couch I didn't know what to do? Either to get my camera and take a photo (it was almost comedic the way you were acting) or start worring.  But this just shows me that you have a strong personality, Max. And naturally, I am intrigued. Will this be a preview of your second year of life? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

    I type this letter with a slightly heavy heart. Starting April 1 you will spend 4 days a week with your nanny. I will go back to work. I am at the same time excited to start this new adventure in running my own cafe and scared to leave you.  I have so cherished this last year because it was our special time together.  But I feel in my heart that you are ready to go on your own adventure as well. When I see you around other children there is a light in your eyes that I don't see when we're home together. Sure, you are excited to see me after each nap and when we play you squeal with delight. But when you play with other kids I see you suddenly in a different light. I see you starting to stretch your independence. And I know that I must let you go a little...

    So many adventures we've shared in the last year... this new year of life will be even more exciting.

    Happy Birthday to my spring baby.

    Love,
    Mama


     

    March 12, 2008

    Ok, it's really hit me now...

    2328782213_3d6aed5d84_mToday I went to the café (though not officially mine until the end of the month) and got to know the employee I am inheriting with the sale.  For the sake of her privacy, we'll just call her Elle.  She's young, honest and sweet.  She was nervous and that put me at ease because I was nervous too.  I think that we are going to get along just fine.

    Once I arrived I took a moment to walk around and take in this moment. The café was quiet as it hadn't officially opened for the day so the blinds were pulled shut and the lamps still turned off.  I went over and stood at the door and looked out at the pietons passing by and wondered who would be the first to come in? In the main window the for sale sign was still hanging. I took sweet pleasure in taking that sign down. While we were still negotiating prices and playing the waiting game, I'd walk by the tea house and stand from afar to get a glimpse of my dream all the while that little sign silently taunting me.  I folded it up and put it in my bag to save.

    Upon seeing the for sale sign gone, customers starting coming in and asking if the place was no longer for sale. It was surreal to introduce myself to these customers whom I later found out were almost daily regulars.  They checked me out. One peeking over her glasses the other with a half smile on her face, "Ah, c'est vous l'Americaine?!" That made me smile.  Elle knew them by name and where they lived.  They immediately started requesting that their favorite teas be reinstated as soon as possible. Much of the stock had been exhausted because the sale of the tea house took longer than anticipated.  I reassured them. Gave them my word and they bid me goodbye but with the promise that they would be back to check very, very soon. I got butterflies in my stomach.

    For the next few weeks I will go to work in my own café and learn every little bit that I can.  I have my Moleskine handy and I am taking notes. Jotting down the things that I must change or things that I must absolutely keep. Tomorrow, I am bringing my real camera... I need visual notes.

    There was a moment  when Elle had to run an errand and I was left all alone. The tea house was empty for the moment only radio Nova keeping me company.  I stood behind the kitchen/bar looking out into the room and it hit me in a huge wave. Tears welled in my eyes. I quickly sat down on the stool and caught my breath. I peeked over the bar once more and looked around. And again, the wave hit me like a Kansas gale and I quickly ducked down in case someone came in.  My dream. It's real.  Tears welling in my eyes right now as I type this... the feeling is still so raw in my mind. 

    Slow Month: Revisited

    As you know I did a slow month which started on February 4th. In my original declaration, I stated that I was not going to grocery shop for the entire month.  My consumerism side of my personality had just gotten way out of control. I needed to reality check. A lock down on my carte bleue .  I just needed to stop. The first day, I realized we didn't have bread. I didn't have yeast to make bread and this was one thing my husband was going to have a hard time being without. Riana has pointed out to me the electricity that would have been used to make the bread would have cost more than the baguette we could buy at our local boulangerie.  This got me thinking about our electricity consumption and I started to realize that I have  a bad habit of leaving the lights on. Our electricity bill came and it was over 200 euros. I was floored. 

    As I became more aware of our consumption habits, I made an effort to change.  I am trying to cut the number of loads of laundry I do by 1/4.  I wear my clothes for another week or two. I still have the habit of throwing them in the wash after only wearing them a couple times. I'm really not that messy of a person unlike my son who spends his day crawling around on the floor.  But cutting my laundry down only afforded me to do more loads of my son's cloth diapers.  I do a load every other day. In the end, are we saving money? This month's bills will tell us.  But for the first time in my life, I am aware of these things and that's a good thing, right?

    As we ran out of fresh foods, I dove deep into our freezers to make meals. I found some interesting things that I had forgotten about. I made a list of everything we had and went through it little by little. One of our freezers is almost completely empty.  But after nearly a week of eating from the freezer and panty, I craved fresh food. By now we had not grocery shopped for two weeks. We were out of yogurt, cheese,  and had only two eggs left and one bottle of milk.  I decided that on Sunday we'd go to the market and we'd only spend 20 euros.  That first weekend market trip was hard. We got fresh veggie and fruits, cheeses, cream and eggs but also came home with pork ribs and a chicken which bumped us over our budget by 15 euros. The ribs and the chicken were too much. I made the best of the chicken. We ate it for three days and I used the bones to make a nice broth with I later turned into a nice hearty vegetable soup using that huge cabbage I had at the beginning of the month. That soup lasted us three more days until it was again market day.  The second week at the market we did much better to sticking to our budget.  And also, we went to market at the end of the day when you can bargain  and almost every kiosk owner threw in an extra this or that because they needed to move their produce.

    Doing this slow month taught me to change the way I shop for our food. Instead of doing two massive trips tot he grocery store every month, we do one little trip every week and only buy what we need.  I take the hand basket and if I can't carry it home then I've bought too much! I looked at the receipt from the last massive grocery trip I made and I was embarrassed at all the crap I bought.  My mind must go into auto pilot, walking up and down the isles just throwing things in the cart. I go to the caisse and then hand over my carte bleue and an hour later it would all show up at my door step all neatly packaged.  It has gotten easier and easier to consume these days and I've fallen into the trap.

    Well, no more! We spent half of what we usually do last month and we did really well. Our freezers are empty now and I will defrost them and clean them out to prepare them for the freezing of yummy spring/summer fruits and veggies. Because of this slow month and all the cooking I've done, we've eaten better.  And I've actually lost some weight. For those of you who did the a slow month, how did it go for you?

    March 10, 2008

    It's starting to go fast now...

    First of all, I want to thank you all for your support and well wishes!  So, wonderful to hear from all of you who read my blog and all those who de-lurked for the first time to say hello.

    HELLO!!

    My posting will probably become very sporadic in the next few weeks. I have so many administrative things to do for the café and most importantly I must secure a day care solution for Maximilien before April 1. Any advice or ideas is welcome!

    Yes, April 1 is the day!. The first day I will be boss lady.

    For those of you who have asked the name of the café and address, I will soon share all that lovely information the closer we " get in".

    Again, thank you so much.  It really touches me that all of you feel so strongly about this. Stay tuned for more updates*.




    * I also owe my Slow Month update. It's coming...

    March 06, 2008

    The Tangible Dream

    Three years ago I sat in the Starbucks at Chatelet-Les-Halles with a group of friends at our weekly knitting group. We liked Starbucks because of the smoke free atmosphere and the comfy couches. And yes, the mocha blancs were good too. But in Paris, at the time, there were not that many cafés that were like Starbucks. Smoke-free.  I mentioned jokingly (though serious in my mind) that I wanted to open a café somewhere in Paris where knitters could come.  They were all the rage in the US. Places where knitters could go and buy their yarn and their cappuccinos in the same place. 

    Even before knitting had become an important part of my life, I always enjoyed café lifestyle. My university town of Lawrence, Kansas has some of the best independent coffee shops I know. Back then I had no idea what Starbucks was. I don't think there were even any in the midwest at that time. I spent hours on end sitting in the Lawrence cafés along Mass Street. Studying. Meeting friends. Or just to escape the buzz of the dorm, I knew I had a place to go to relax. After college, I spent several years between France and the US. I lived in Besançon and had cafés that I called my own. The Bar de l'U by the Fac or the grand café that was off the Rue des Granges near my centre ville apartment. I would go everyday and get my espresso either at the bar if I was late for class or at one of the tables by the courtyard if I had a few hours to kill.

    Upon my arrival to Paris in 2003, I had a hard time finding my café. That first summer we lived in the 17th arrondissement near Place de Clichy. The cafés were run down and dark. I don't mind a café that is rough around the edges, I feel like they have stories to tell but these cafés near our Rue Pouchet apartment were not places I could go to relax. Often I'd take my one euro espresso at the bar and leave. I never found a place where I could go and blend in. A year later we moved to our current apartment in the 13th arrondissement.  If you know anything about the 17th, Place de Clichy  and the 13th, Place d'Italie you will know there is a night and day difference.  We had moved into a more residential/ village-y area. Being the small town girl that I was this suited me just fine.  Also the area we moved is considered to be in Chinatown and I felt at home right away.  Upon our arrival in our new quartier we explored the cafés, we ventured mostly away from the Place d'Italie more towards the Avenue de Tolbiac.  Right next to our favorite Pho restaurant is a classic café/salon de thé. Big vitrines to sit in and people watch, the staff very aimable and most importantly they had good coffee. I found a few more places like this peppered through out the 13th. All to my liking except for one thing, they were all smoking cafés. And the non-smoking area was just a few chairs with a partition that didn't really serve for anything but to say, this is the non-smoking area.

    Unconsciously,  my dream to have my own café was born long ago. It wasn't until I moved to Paris and I couldn't find exactly what I wanted that my dream came to the surface.  It remained a dream for several years after our knitting group started meeting at Starbucks.  Sometimes I'd look around on the Internet ads for fond de commerce for sale.  The prices were much cheaper than buying an apartment. My dream seemed obtainable. But I never called any of the ads, I just talked about my dream with Julien, my friends and family. And doodled ideas in my Moleskine.

    At the end of 2005 my life too a drastic turn. I lost my mother. I fell into a deep depression. I lost contact with people in my life. and I lost myself. Somewhere in the middle of 2006, a breath of fresh air had come into my life. I became pregnant with Maximilien. I started to dream again. I wanted to live in the now. Face forward without a moment to spare.  2007 was the year I focused on Max and put any though of a career or café aside. Though not a priority, my desire for this café still remained strong in my dreams.

    At the end of last year, friends wanted to get together for Chinese food in our neighborhood. For some reason at the last minute I really wanted to go to brunch. We hadn't been in a very long time and our friends were happy to go along with our plans.  We looked in our  best of Paris brunch book and found an address in the 13th that we hadn't tried yet. The description of the café sounded like a place I would love. I was surprised we hadn't been before. We packed up Max, met our friends and walked over.  The café is small but not too small. Intimate.  I went in and asked for a table for four and the server turned us away saying they didn't have  a table for four. I saw two tables for two over her shoulder. I responded, "trés bien" and walked out. I went straight to Julien and said there are two tables of two they can push together and urged him to go and insist that we sit down.  Why I didn't do it, I really don't know but something was inside of  me was insisting that we get in.  I just knew that my husband had the charm to get us in. And he did. We were seated and served. I looked around the café and instantly fell in love. My friend's boyfriend noticed and asked me what I was thinking. And for the first time in months, I mentioned my dream of having my own café. And sitting in this café I felt like I was sitting inside my dream.  I looked over to the big window that overlooked the busy street and saw that the place was for sale!  I got chills.  I don't remember what I started to say after that but I do remember how I felt, my heart was racing and I was talking very quickly to Julien. His reaction in his eyes told me he was following what I was saying. We grabbed a business card on the way out and called that day to see if the café was still for sale.

    The end of last year was full of waiting, tactics to negotiate the right price, phone tag, silence and finally an acceptance of our offer in January of this year.  We signed a promesse de vente  in February. Wrote the biggest check of my life. And sent our dossiers to banks for the loan. Then we waited... and waited. And waited. Just like administrative offices in France, banks are just as slow. I did a slow month (I owe an update) and the photo project in February to get my mind off all the waiting.  I started to lose hope as a few responses came back negative. The real reasons why they turned us down we are still unsure of. We got the perfunctory letter of rejection with their sterile apologies. I saw my dream disappearing right before my eyes.

    Finally, yesterday we heard back from the very last bank we applied to.  The banker simply said to Julien over the phone, "Ok, c'est bon".  He sent me an SMS with just a simple, "yay :)". 

    I am going to own my very own Parisian café.  I type these words still stunned from the events of the last few months. I can not believe it is all happening.  Years of day dreaming all coming true.   I am staring at my hands and they are trembling. So, the adventure begins...

    6 years

    There is so much going on in our lives right now. Funny how good things all come at once. What's the expression? I can't remember.

    Today is our 6 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it's been 6 years already.  Our relationship is anything but static. Time speeds ahead making its presence noticeable at each birthday and milestone. But as time passes there is one constant in my life, my husband Julien.  From the day we met it felt we had known each other forever. My hand fit within his. His arms fit around my shoulders. We each have a place in one another's neck where the sweetness is our own.  As we embark on new adventures, I am glad to have him by my side. He is my partner in crime, my lover, my friend, my confidant. Here is to 6 years, my love...

    This morning as I laid groggy in bed with Max crawling around me.  Julien leaned down to kiss me goodbye and told me to be dressed when he got home. i.e. not in a tracksuit my usual mama uniform.  I'm lucky if I get a shower during the day, such is my life now. He knew this and yet he asked me several times if I had anything planned and reminded me twice to be dressed when he got home. He left early this morning to come home early tonight. Something is up? Oh yes...

    I guess I better shave my legs, huh?

    March 05, 2008

    30 Days :: 30

    30 Days :: 30

    Today has been a rather long and surreal day. I had resolved myself to think one thing and at the end of the day it changed after finding out some news that will change our lives drastically. In a good way, of course. 

    We celebrated. Just Julien and I. Max slept. We ate a homemade dinner and watched tv. Put raspberries in our champagne and looked at each other feeling the same thing. Relief.

    This is the end of my 30 day photography project and it's quiet coincidental that on the last day of this project we got the news we've been waiting for.

    I bet you're wondering what the heck is going on?

    I'm feeling a bit tipsy after having one too many glasses of champagne to write the entire story here, right now. So on that note, I leave you but with a promise of a good story tomorrow.

    March 04, 2008

    30 Days :: 29

    30 Days :: 29

    :: Still a little red...

    30 Days :: 28

    30 Days :: 28

    Maximilien loves to busy himself right before bed. I foresee a child who will do anything to avoid bedtime. Even clean. He has a new obsession with the vacuum cleaner. Reminds me of my littlest brother, William who loved to help my mom vacuum.  Instead of making messes before bed, maybe he will clean up after himself before he goes to bed. Oh, a mother can dream, right?

    30 Days :: 27

    30 Days :: 27

    Tablecloths pulled up. Sippy cups. Sitting on the floor. Toddlers crawling all over you to get at your drink because your drink is much better than theirs. This is my life now and I would not change it for anything.

    March 02, 2008

    30 Days :: 26

    30 Days :: 26

    :: My boys being boys...

    February 29, 2008

    30 Days :: 25

    30 Days :: 25

    :: One last mess before bed...

    Firsts...

    First word:


    Max's first word: Hello from PutYourFlareOn on Vimeo.

    Please excuse the poor video quality. But the audio works great and near the end you hear Max say "hewro", his baby version of Hello a couple times. At force of seeing his mom and dad on the phone all the time he's picked up the telephone habit already at 11 months old. When the front door rings, he puts his hand up to his ear and says "hewro". When we knock on his door after a nap, I open the door and see him standing in his bed with his hand by his hear and he says, "hewro". This child is already acclimated to the telephone! How long is too young to have your first telephone?

    February 28, 2008

    30 Days :: 24

    30 Days :: 24

    Sleep is scarce tonight...

    February 27, 2008

    30 Days :: 23

    30 Days :: 23

    After a long day of errands and a stroll in the Luxembourg Gardens, Max was fast asleep when we got home, I wheeled the stroller in our entry and he continued to snooze for another 20 minutes.

    February 26, 2008

    30 Days : 22

    30 Days :: 22

    We do not have a bathtub in our apartment. I wish! We are still using the tub that Max used when he was a wee baby. We just fill it up to the top. He loves it. Every week we add more and more toys. The more toys the less chance there is he tries to stand up in the bathtub.

    February 25, 2008

    30 Days :: 21

    30Days :: 21

    We had errands that took us on the bus today. The buses in France have designated areas for strollers.  There is a little strapontin that folds out so that the handler of the stroller can have a seat too. I love sitting next to Maximilien and watching his face as he looks out the window.  His eyes aglow with wonderment. He also interacts with people on the bus now. Sometimes he reaches out and hold someone's hand who is standing close by or he will flirt with his little coquin smile. Today, he was in a very tranquil mood.   

    February 24, 2008

    30 Days :: 20

    30 Days :: 20

    February 23, 2008

    30 Days :: 19

    30 Days :: 19

    Today was a beautiful day in Paris and we spent the majority of the day outside.  It's been a long time since we've done that!  We walked down to one of our favorites areas, Rue Mouffetard. I was caught by the sun as we walked towards the market and just pointed my camera and shot. I was always taught not to shoot into the sun.  I think I am in love with sun flares now.  For my first sun flare ever I am pretty happy with how it came out. I can't decide if I like the black and white version better than the color version

    February 22, 2008

    30 Days :: 18

    30 days :: 18

    :: Urban strolling. It is an inevitable part of the everyday life of a Parisian city mama and baby.

    February 21, 2008

    30 Days :: 17

    30Days :: 17

    February 20, 2008

    9, 10, 11 mois

    Dear Maximilien,

    This is a letter than spans over three months of your life.  Busy is not the right word to explain the lax in the letters. Life is what happened.  But I want to be dedicated to writing these letters for you, so here we go...

    For month 9 you were so very sick. The sickest I've ever seen you. You had caught RSV somewhere and for a couple nights there I was up with you all night long as we fought through your high temperature.  All this happened while we were in the US, far, far away from home.  Once we got past the sickness, you got back to your normal, happy self. You explored every inch of your aunt's apt and met a cat for the first time in your life.  You were enchanted. Chooni, our 14 year old family cat, was not so much impressed by you.  Though, I must tell you that one day while you were at your sickest she did come and cuddle up next to you while you slept on the bed.  She laid her head on your shoulder as if she felt that you needed some extra loving to get through the next few days.

    Checkin' Uncle William out

    You got to meet your Uncle William for the first time and you were fascinated by his animated gestures and his low voice.  Christmas eve, I was up late sick with a stomach bug, throwing up everything I had eaten for dinner. You were crying wanting your mama so badly.  Everyone in the house was awake now. How could anyone sleep through my dry heaving and your screaming.  William broke out the guitar and sang you a tune and you actually fell asleep.

    He cleans windows free of charge.

    Ah, sleep... this was something that was missing from almost your entire 10th month of life, my son.  You decided one day that you were no longer going to sleep at night. 2 am, where ever we were in the world you were awake. In the US or in France or on the plane flying over the ocean, if it was 2 am, you were awake. Screaming. While we were visiting friends in Pennsylvania, you didn't sleep once through the night. You could have taken some pointers from Rowan, who I might point out is three months younger than you. And she slept through the night.

    The great binky heist

    And while we were visiting our friends you picked up a binky habit. Now you suck your thumb and a binky. Rowan was even nice enough to give you one of her binkies so that you'd stop stealing hers. Also, on this trip you met your first dog, Lucy. She licked your face on several occasions which made for a good laugh for your parents. I'm not sure if you really liked it but you learned that if you held your hand out, Lucy would come over and kiss it. And then you figured out if I hold my baby mum mums out to Lucy, she'd eat them too. Now, you hold your food out for everyone to taste. If I don't crunch your rice cakes you actually get mad and hold your arm out until I take a bite. You even take things out of your mouth and give them to me to eat. Sorry, buddy but that's gross and I throw those away. I already touch your poop, you can't expect me to eat your already chewed food.

    The Happy Family

    Once we returned to France, we still had sleep issues. I don't know why I did not put two and two together but I figured it out about two weeks ago that you were going through a major growth spurt. And you were suffering from growing pains! It seemed over night your legs got longer and your torso became leaner.  Your pants that were too long for you a couple weeks ago now fit. You were able to pop your head over the kitchen table and no longer needed to stand on your tippy toes to reach the chickens in the kitchen. I massaged your legs everyday and we did baby yoga and suddenly you started to sleep again. No more screaming. Just beautiful blissed out baby sleep.

    Maximilien

    Look at you, Max... you are such a big boy now. I hold you in my arms and I close my eyes and try to remember the little baby you once were. It's hard as everyday you change and learn something new.  Here is something cute you are doing right now, I knock on your door after I hear you wake up from your nap and when I open the door,  you pretend you have a telephone in your hand and you answer the phone.  Also right now you are trying to walk. You put one hand on the wall in the hallway and toddle down the hallway after me.  Today you are chasing after me but someday I will always be chasing after you.

    Today, you are officially 11 months old. I left you with the baby sitter and you were ok.  I went out and all I could think about was getting home to see you again.  When you saw me walk in the door, your face lit up and such love emanated from my heart.  You reached your arms out to me and I cuddled you close. I felt the weight of your body fall into me and I thought to myself, this is heaven on earth.

    Happy 11 (10, 9) month, Max.

    Love,

    Mama

    30 Days :: 16

    30 Days :: 16

    I was out the door this morning by 9:15am,  showered, with make-up on and toting a purse full of just my things.

    Max stayed home with a friend while I  had a date with the bank.

    February 19, 2008

    30 Days :: 15

    30 Days :: 15

    :: Keeping one another company.

    :: I love that he's got his arm around me.
     

    February 18, 2008

    30 Days :: 14

    30 Days :: 14

    Just one of those fuzzy days where you feel like hibernating and going to bed early. We were both not feeling so hot today.  Maximilien was always looking to be in my lap and I spent most of my day on the floor within his reach. 

    I am so tired.

    February 17, 2008

    30 Days :: 13

    30 Days : 13

    February 16, 2008

    30 Days :: 12

    30Days :: 12

    This string of chickens hangs from the doorway to our kitchen. The door is long gone but the hinges still remain. I use them to hang shirts to dry and recently to hang this strand of chickens I found while on vacation. 

    Every time I walk into the kitchen I jingle the chicks, as I call them.  When I first put them up Maximilien could not reach them at all. He would sit on the floor and stare at them with curiosity. As he got better at pulling himself up I would often find him standing on his tippy, tippy toes trying to reach the chickens and every once in a while jingling the bell with one finger.

    Today, he can reach them easily, flat footed while palming the bell at the end.  Our mornings always start out in the kitchen.  I walk ahead and ring the chickens and call Max's name. I hear the pitter patter of him crawling down the hallway floor and then see his little head pop around the corner of the doorway to see if I am looking for him. He pulls himself up to standing and reaches up and jingles the chickens. Now, our day can begin...

    February 15, 2008

    30 Days :: 11

    30 Days :: 11

    February 14, 2008

    30 Days :: 10

    30Days :: 10

    Today was an exceptionally hard day because Maximilien is transitioning from two naps to one.  I know it seems small but nap time has always been a very integral part of our everyday life.  Along with the physical fatigue of trying to keep up  with an over tired baby, my heart was aching because I've been missing my mom a lot lately.  I really, really needed to call her and just simply tell her how hard today was and to hear her reassuring words. 

    When I miss her the most, I curl up with the wedding afghan she knit for Julien and I and sit quietly and think about her.  I get lost in my thoughts remembering everyday conversations that we had. I focus in on her voice and intonation and it brings me comfort.  I study the stitch patterns of the afghan and  I can see her knitting. Her hands moving over the yarn and the click of her needles.  I grasp the wool of the afghan and I can feel her presence though not the physical presence I so desperately yearn for, I can feel her spiritual presence and this brings me peace.

    February 13, 2008

    30 Days :: 9

    30 Days :: 9

    :: On the hunt.

    :: Closing in on the prey...

    :: Victory!

    February 12, 2008

    30 Days :: 8

    30Days :: 8

    A busy day of baking and being a hermit.

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