For the last 7 weeks or so I felt like I've trying to swim my way against the current in a very torrid river. the current pulling me harder and harder to go the other way and something inside of me fighting my way against it. There'd be moments when the current would win and pull me under and I'd lay under the water looking up seeing the world around me pass and I'd just hold my breath. I can't hold my breath like this forever. I have to let myself breath. I have to let myself live.
Everyone tells me that losing a loved one is the hardest thing in life. How does one prepare themselves for this natural step in life? Losing my mom is the hardest thing that's ever happened to me. I've never felt so many emotions all at once. I've never felt my heart hurt so much or shed so many tears. But I know this is natural and with time all this will pass. I feel myself changing not for the better nor the worse just changing. Maturing. Understanding.
I feel ready to live my life again.
This is a new year. 2006. No resolutions for me. I've never been good at keeping them anyways. Just am going to live my life to the fullest and try to be as happy as I possibly can. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life who is so patient and so full of love. I have seen how strong my family is through all what has happened and it has reassured me that they are going to make it. And I think I will too.