To Bises or not to Bises?**

**To kiss or not to kiss

 As you know the French kiss when they greet people they know and don't know.  I'd say in the last year I can't remember the last time I shook hands with someone in France.  When I was an exchange student in Besançon in '98 I hung out with a lot of exchange students from different European countries and some Asian countries. We never did les bises.  We shook hands if we met someone new. I felt comfortable with this because this is common practice in the States.  My second stint in France in 2000 (the year I met J) I started to hang out with more and more Frenchies and still instinctively held out my hand when I met people.  I learned from J that handshaking really isn't done especially at our age. It used more when you greet older people for the first time or business contacts, colleagues, etc... Everyone our ages does les bises even good guy friends will instinctively gives kisses when they greet each other.

Tonight, we went to a apéritif dinatoîre* at our friend, Nath's apt, and comme d'hab* I was the only Anglo there.  About an hour into the conversation or so someone realized that I had used a le instead of a la and a de instead of a du (because those of us who speak French or have studied know that this just happens sometimes). The guy I was talking to came to me while I was filling my champagne glass in the kitchen to ask me in a low voice if I were French? Mais non! I responded. He just stood back on his heels and look at me. We had that oh-so-familiar exchange of where I was from and Comment ca se fait que tu parle si bien le francais et patati et patata* and he stated that he thought all Americans only shook hands and were not comfortable kissing. This is exactly what he said.  Well, of course I set him straight and said we love to kiss but it's just a question of habit that's all! We don't greet one another with kisses more often with handshakes or hugs, if we know the person well.  I love little culture exchanges like this.

J said that I used to do the cutest thing I would stick my hand out to shake and pull the person towards me slightly to do les bises. It must of been in my transitional phase from hand shaking instinctively to doing les bises naturally.

 

*Apéritif Dînatoire - Before dinner drinks with heavy hors-d'oeuvres that take the place of dinner, very social setting and mobility for invitees to mingle, drink et manger!

*Comme d'hab- or Comme d'habitude, meaning like usual or usually.

*Patati et Patata- could be interpreted as how we'd use blah, blah, blah or and so on.

 

Comments

[Amy]

Social customs are so interesting. One of my friends married a woman from Holland, and we somehow all adapted to the kissing greeting. It was funny because we had never been a very "touchy" bunch before that.

[Stefanie]

Hilarious! I think the bises or not to bises is a personal space issue with Americans. And what about the number of bises? My Frog's family is from Nantes and they do 4, we have some friends who do 3, others 2. I can never get it right, even after 5 years. And then there are the kissy bises people--those who actually plant a wet smacker on your cheek. AGH! On ne s'en sort plus!

[Adrienne]

I have the same problem as Stefanie. La famille de mon chum (my bf for all you non-Quebecois speakers) likes to give 3. That's really only his immediate family, though. So when we're at bigger gatherings, I go for the 3rd and people get all confused. When I was living in the Canary Islands, 2 was the norm. If I'm with Anglo folk in Toronto, we tend to give hugs. Little bises in that context somehow seems pretentious.

[cyn]

love the foto and the story, girl! =D *kiss*kiss*

[nancy]

giving les bises is very popular in miami too because of the influence of the predominantly latino culture. i actually say "muah!" softly everytime i give les bises because of nervousness... still learning.

[Tracey]

AHHHHH the kiss...I remember that from my short vacay in France as well as my vacay in Bulgaria....it's a little strange but I guess no stranger than bowing in Korea. In fact, I still do it every once in a while when I enter a shop and the shop lady says "hello" right away.

[Andre Veloux]

Les Bises, good fun and contagious arent they? I was in a bar yesterday with some friends (about 6 all male), when 3 of their partners came in. The ensuing bisouing took about 10 minutes. And to think there wasn't a francais amongst us! We were all native english speakers!

[Sammy]

You speak with no accent? Lucky dog.

[D]

I still find it hard sometimes to do the whole kissing thing. Depending on what region of France you are in, it can start on the left, or right cheek. And let's not forget it can be 1 to 2 kisses (or more) per cheek. That just adds to the confusion!

[Genevieve]

I am American, but from New Orleans, and we do kisses there, to friends and strangers (just like in France -- non-business setting strangers, that is) but only one kiss. like everyone else, in France, my question is always HOW MANY? and how do I know how many?

[mike]

good call on that one... I have gotten used to the two-cheek bis when I am in the Hexagon, but since I go to a Spanish congregation and am constantly around Mexicans and Puerto Ricans, I have gotten used to the one-cheek beso as well... Among my american friends, we usually hug, which is something I found doesn't work in France, as they apparently consider that an invasion of their personal space... but that's ok. (And having heard your French, yeah, it's pretty much perfect. Chui jaloux.)

[shirley]

Bonjour,

Je m'appelle Shirley, je travaille pour un magazine de débat diffusé sur France 2. Je prépare actuellement une émission sur le thème des français et françaises.

Serais-tu intéresser de venir enrichir le débat sur notre plateau en venant nous parler des filles françaises. Leur réputation de chaudasse est -elle justifiée selon toi ? Les français sont -ils obsédés par la séxualité ?

Ou pour tout autre témoignage autour de ce thème, je suis joignable au 01.53.84.30.45.

Cordialement,
Shirley

[stephanievmills]

hi...
I was married to a Northern Ontario Frenchman ... huge population of french in Sudbury, ON. They do the kiss, kiss. I, myself enjoy my personal space, so it took me awhile to get used to it.
Montreal, PQ they do that too. I find alot of italians I know do it too.
(I'm Jeff Brownson's cousin from Toronto).
Stephanie

[Asian Lep]

I love giving kisses. So much so, they call me the "kissing bandit"

They're so much better than hugs. Less bodily contact, plus you can more easily conceal hatred and dislike.

[laptitelili]

Hum, en ce qui concerne le nombre de bises, le nombre correct est 2! 3 ou 4, ça fait vraiment paysan, peut importe la région. Le pb, c'est que même les français ne le savent pas généralement...
En tout cas, maintenant que je n'habite plus en France, je dois me "déshabituer" de la bise, et c'est super difficile!

[Aimee]

My rule of thumb is to go in for two and if they go to do the third, fourth or whatever I just follow suite. In Paris, it's two kisses!

[ely]

As Stefanie and others, even french people don't know how (2,3,4) bises to do.
It often depends on the where you are from, where you llive and even on social category sometimes....
I don't know myself and just say to people :"for me it's just two" and wait for the reaction.
About the the real "smack" on the cheek, I personnaly do it with people I know very well: I would say they are considered as family member. And only them.

PS: tres bon post, vraiment.

[Joy]

Hi Aimee, I've been going back through your archives. I wanted to tell you that your writing really touched me, especially about losing your mother.

Then I came upon this post, and I definitely need to drop you a line! I did a google image search when I wrote about "la bise" on my own blog, looking for a photo to demonstrate. When I finally found one, I nicked it... now I see that it came from *your* blog!

oops.