March 18, 2006 - 18:36
Pink, my cosmetic color of choice

Finding a balance these days...

I feel the shift happening in my emotional state of mind.  I feel less suffocated by my emotions and feel like I have a better grip on the state of my being.  I take a deep breath as I type this because it feels really good to see the words on the screen.  I don't think one ever gets over the death of a loved one, especially a daughter who loses her mother.  This will be something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It's like an invisible pin on my heart to remind me that I have passed an important stage in my life.  I miss her.  I think about her all the time but I'm not gasping for air as the thoughts over come me like I did just a few weeks ago. Instead, I smile and feel a warmth in my heart and I know that's she's there. 

My dreams have been rather strange lately. Very hard to remember most times but when I awake I feel like I've been blessed.  I feel my husband wake in the morning and kiss my wrist before he leaves the bed and I drift into a state of sleepiness and security.

I often wonder if there is life after death, how does one really know what is waiting for us beyond the life we live?  I'm not a religious person but I feel like I am a very spiritual person all the same.  The concept of heaven and hell isn't strange to me but at the same time I can't imagine either one.   

People ask how I'm doing and I respond that I'm hanging in there.  I'm here. I'm alive and have a lot of love to give.  I feel like starting very soon my life will be turning around and I will be headed towards what I imagined my life would be.  I am so grateful for my family, the wonderful friends I have here in Paris and my darling husband.  The candles you guys have held for me along the long, long tunnel have helped immensely, I see the light and I'm skipping in my converse all stars all the way to the end!