I feel the shift happening in my emotional state of mind. I feel less suffocated by my emotions and feel like I have a better grip on the state of my being. I take a deep breath as I type this because it feels really good to see the words on the screen. I don't think one ever gets over the death of a loved one, especially a daughter who loses her mother. This will be something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It's like an invisible pin on my heart to remind me that I have passed an important stage in my life. I miss her. I think about her all the time but I'm not gasping for air as the thoughts over come me like I did just a few weeks ago. Instead, I smile and feel a warmth in my heart and I know that's she's there.
My dreams have been rather strange lately. Very hard to remember most times but when I awake I feel like I've been blessed. I feel my husband wake in the morning and kiss my wrist before he leaves the bed and I drift into a state of sleepiness and security.
I often wonder if there is life after death, how does one really know what is waiting for us beyond the life we live? I'm not a religious person but I feel like I am a very spiritual person all the same. The concept of heaven and hell isn't strange to me but at the same time I can't imagine either one.
People ask how I'm doing and I respond that I'm hanging in there. I'm here. I'm alive and have a lot of love to give. I feel like starting very soon my life will be turning around and I will be headed towards what I imagined my life would be. I am so grateful for my family, the wonderful friends I have here in Paris and my darling husband. The candles you guys have held for me along the long, long tunnel have helped immensely, I see the light and I'm skipping in my converse all stars all the way to the end!
Oh, Hon, I am so relieved to hear that. I have been wondering and worrying a bit--knowing you have to go down that same path I reluctantly traversed 8 years ago. It will never be the same, and neither will you, but it will be better, and you will be better because of it. It is definitely a trial by fire, but you are coming through it just fine. Your mom is watching, and she is very proud of you.
Posted by: Ronica | March 22, 2006 at 09:12
I thought you were really "en forme" reading your blog recently. Lifes full of little steps, we just slowly learn to live with ourselves and make the most of life. Happy you are getting there.
Posted by: Andre Veloux | March 22, 2006 at 10:11
Hey, this is my first time posting, so this might seem kinda odd coming from a random person, but it really does get easier with time. I just posted about my experience with losing a parent last week. That fact that it happened will always suck, but I believe they are still out there somewhere, looking down on (and watching out for) us.
Posted by: samantha | March 22, 2006 at 13:59
I know you'll be with her again some day!
Posted by: Jenna | March 22, 2006 at 18:38
With Spring comes new life, new beginnings....
Posted by: stephanievmills | March 22, 2006 at 18:46
god, aimee. this is beautiful...
thanks.
Posted by: jess/ ncn | March 23, 2006 at 01:49
Hi Flare !
The wheel turns. Sometimes it turns all too slowly. Things always become better with time. Always.
Best,
L'Amerloque
Posted by: L'Amerloque | March 23, 2006 at 09:11
I'm so glad you're seeing your way to strength. I know that has to be one of the hardest things in the world to continue to deal with.
Posted by: Serena | March 23, 2006 at 17:03
what a beautiful entry! i feel the exact way about the "afterlife". and hurrah for converse all stars!
Posted by: cyn | March 25, 2006 at 03:26
I stop by from time to time but rarely comment. Having also lost my Mum, this is a beautifully written perspective of the way in which we feel and live our lives. Thank you for putting how I feel into words for me!
All the best xo
Posted by: Nicnu | March 25, 2006 at 04:50
I'm so glad for you. I have the same feelings about religion and the spirit, I feel like I'm absolutely sure of some things and completely unsure about others. But I think it will all be all right =)
Posted by: Tiffany | March 27, 2006 at 02:33
(((hug))) i believe there is a place for us, and that its very real...more than we know!
hope you continue to be gentle with yourself...
thanks for coming to my blog!
Posted by: Jenny Vorwaller | March 27, 2006 at 23:51