It's been a rather melancholy week for me. Last Sunday was Mother's day and my first mother's day without my mom. This year will be a hard year for me. A year of firsts. I knew this. All the books I've read about grief mention this. I just wasn't prepared for the pain. I guess no one really is prepared for the prolonged pain of losing someone dear to them. I've just gotta hang in there. This Saturday is my birthday. 29. Not a big milestone birthday but for me it will be. It will be the first birthday without her. Usually the week before my birthday I'd receive a hand picked card from my mother with something special written inside. Usually in Korean to keep me on my toes. That was just her style. I haven't checked the mail this week because I know I won't see an envelope with her delicate handwriting on it. It's so painful and amazing to think that 29 years ago my mother brought me into this world. And today, her 29 year old is yearning to be just like her. I wish I could stop time and go back and say all the things that I wanted to say. Just to have been there. To tell her how much I admired her. How much I want to be like her. I know that she knew how much I loved her. At least I can hold on to that to console my broken heart. I wish I knew how to make this woebegone disappear. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I desperately wish I knew how to do this.
Since my Omma passed away last last year I feel like I've been going through an identity crisis. I've lost the grasp on my Korean-ness. I've had to learn to dig deep to remember and to push myself to read and speak Korean, even if it's just to myself. Everyday, I take a moment to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself of who I am. A Korean-American woman. It will be through my memories that I find my identity again.
Looking at this photo I see my mother's eyes. She was always face forward in her actions and her thoughts. Eyes full of unconditional love and compassion. Eyes that I miss so very much. I will honor her memory by doing my best to do the same. Love everyday. Love fully. Happy Mother's Day, Omma. I love you.
Where to start? What don't you know already? Let's move away from what you have read on my blog, let's see if I can surprise you. I'm the oldest of five. I am half Korean. I love talking on the phone with my girlfriends. The more mundane the subject the better. Talked about magnet paint today and it set my mind spinning on all the possibilities. I love my husband with ever fiber of my being. My birthday is this month. I'll be 29. I love wearing flats. Hope they never go out of style. Even if they do, I will still wear them. I love talking skincare. I dream of riding my childhood bike again. A pink Schwinn ten speed bike. I love being different. I don't like it when people point out that I'm different. I'm learning that life gets easier as you break it in. Like a pair of new shoes.