Spring in Paris

Melancholy heart

It's been a rather melancholy week for me.  Last Sunday was Mother's day and my first mother's day without my mom.  This year will be a hard year for me. A year of firsts. I knew this. All the books I've read about grief mention this.  I just wasn't prepared for the pain.  I guess no one really is prepared for the prolonged pain of  losing someone dear to them. I've just gotta hang in there.  This Saturday is my birthday.  29. Not a big milestone birthday but for me it will be.  It will be the first birthday without her.  Usually the week before my birthday I'd receive a hand picked card from my mother with something special written inside.  Usually in Korean to keep me on my toes.  That was just her style.   I haven't checked the mail this week because I know I won't see an envelope with her delicate handwriting on it.  It's so painful and amazing to think that 29 years ago my mother brought me into this world.  And today,  her 29 year old is yearning  to be just like her.  I wish I could stop time and go back and say all the things that I wanted to say.  Just to have been there. To tell her how much I admired her. How much I want to be like her.  I know that she knew how much I loved her. At least I can hold on to that to console my broken heart. I wish I knew how to make this woebegone disappear.  It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.  I desperately wish I knew how to do this.