Melancholy heart

It's been a rather melancholy week for me.  Last Sunday was Mother's day and my first mother's day without my mom.  This year will be a hard year for me. A year of firsts. I knew this. All the books I've read about grief mention this.  I just wasn't prepared for the pain.  I guess no one really is prepared for the prolonged pain of  losing someone dear to them. I've just gotta hang in there.  This Saturday is my birthday.  29. Not a big milestone birthday but for me it will be.  It will be the first birthday without her.  Usually the week before my birthday I'd receive a hand picked card from my mother with something special written inside.  Usually in Korean to keep me on my toes.  That was just her style.   I haven't checked the mail this week because I know I won't see an envelope with her delicate handwriting on it.  It's so painful and amazing to think that 29 years ago my mother brought me into this world.  And today,  her 29 year old is yearning  to be just like her.  I wish I could stop time and go back and say all the things that I wanted to say.  Just to have been there. To tell her how much I admired her. How much I want to be like her.  I know that she knew how much I loved her. At least I can hold on to that to console my broken heart. I wish I knew how to make this woebegone disappear.  It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.  I desperately wish I knew how to do this.

Comments

[Nancy]

*hugs* i understand... *hugs*

[Ramona]

I'm sorry for your sadness. I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

[The Bold Soul]

Thanks for continuing to share your feelings about losing your mom. I have my mom still with me but there are times we really get on each other's nerves: we love each other but we're just SO different that some days it's like fingernails on a chalk board. But whenever I hear someone speak so eloquently about coping after losing their mother, it reminds me to be grateful I still have mine. After all, I know it won't be forever.

One thing I remember hearing about coping with grief, is how important it is to focus, as much as you can, on celebrating the LIFE of the person you've lost rather than focusing on the manner in which she died or the loss itself, or about what might be incomplete between you. Sometimes in grief, people tend to be emotionally stuck in the sadness of the loss or any unresolved issues, instead of being able to celebrate the wonderful things about that person. It sounds like you had a lot to celebrate about your mother's life and her presence in your life. Maybe it would help to give that more priority right now, and give yourself permission to let go of some of the sadness. It's OK for you to be happy now. She'd want that for you.

And a Happy Birthday to you, fellow Taurean - mine is Friday the 19th and I'll be 45 (ouch!) Maybe it's time for me to start claiming I'm 29?

[Vivi]

I know. gros bisous ma fille.

[Ronica]

Me too, but don't worry. It gets easier. Takes time, but it does.

She can hear you, you know. She's listening. Keep writing.

And don't worry--you do know how. You are doing it, your way. She is proud of you.

[Emma]

Another beautiful post! Please be kind to yourself and take care. Trust your heart to be strong, your mother seems to be very much present in it.

"Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains. ~Kahlil Gibran"

[cyn]

*hugs* this entry made me tear up. thank you for sharing your feelings so candidly, aimee.

[mj]

I admire your courage in writing about your mother and how strongly and deeply you care for her. My son would have been 29 in April, but he has been gone for 11 years.

Time does dim the pain, I don't know about the longing. I can't dwell on the fact that he isn't here anymore, but I can talk freely about him and share his life with old friends and new ones, too.

Don't let anyone hurry you through the process or tell you to "get on with it" or "just let go" because you will when you are ready. Before we knew anything else on earth we knew the pulse of our mother's heart, the sound of her voice and the rhythm of her body. It is so a part of us we can never really say good-bye. Her words fall from our lips unbidden and her aging body superimposes itself on ours. From dust we came and to dust we may return, but she will always be there in your heart.

[Matt]

Aimee, Happy early birthday! You are just a few days before me.

:)

[stinkerbell]

sometimes you dont know what to say... except that a chord was struck and that you know the feelings.
Hope you find some joy in facing up the the 29th year!

[Roxanne]

Hi Aimee...I'm sorry. I dropped by to say thanks for the nice comment on my yarn photo of Debbie Bliss and your post tugs at my heart. I'm sure your Mom is still with you and you will always have her with you too...I think it's lovely that you want to be just like her...that's a real testament to just how wonderful she is.

[Tracey Ramey]

They say the firsts after losing a close one are the hardest. This will be a year of hardests for you. My mother still has hard days after losing both parents. I cannot imagine what you must be going through but you should know that I think of you often (even though we have never met) and I send positive thoughts your way often. Take care!

[jacqueline]

i lost my father when i was 6 tears old and i am 36 now. to be honest the pain does lesson but at the same time it doesn't. every year when the 2nd of march comes around i remember him and wish he was here.

i know that this is going to be a hard year for you and a terribly hard birthday....thinking of you xx

[b]

that was such a lovely post. i really enjoy your blog. you have a beautiful way of expressing things and it is so touching. happy birthday and my sincerest thoughts regarding the loss of your mother.

[euphrosynely]

I wish I could say something profound, something that would make you feel better but I don't have anything clever to say other than expressing my deepest condolences.

Hope you had a wonderful 29th birthday nonetheless!

[lapagefrancaise]

This post reminded me to call my mother and be sure to remind her how much she means to me.
Thank you for that.
Hope you had a great birthday

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[amy]

Thank you for such a beautiful, honest post. I send you good thoughts, prayers, love and most of all, peace in such a difficult time.

[jess/ ncn]

the strange this is- i think you do know how to do this... and i think you're doing a beautiful job...
your writing on this stuff is just really lovely and clear.
happy birthday... i didn't remember that you are a fellow gemini. no wonder i like you so much...

[Oz]

Thank you so much for your honesty. I hope you had a wonderful birthday.

[melle099]

Hang in there. Your post brought tears flowing. I share your pain.

[Annette]

Darling, I was going to say what Jess said.

I always forget how amazing you are.