Midwest living
Long trip home...

Looking back, looking forward

Today, I visited Omma's grave for the first time in a year.  I know that this is only where her body lies and that her soul is everywhere now.  And yet after a year, I still can't believe she's gone.  The stunning, searing pain I felt in my heart a year ago returned for the first time in months and as I gasped for air and reached for Julien's arm, I broke down. Then suddenly something happened, I felt the baby shift and give me a little tap.  I reached down to my stomach and touched my side and felt yet again a tap right where my hand was.   A sign of  consolation? I believe it was.  The pain in my heart was  suddenly lifted. I knew Omma was smiling down on us.  As hard as it is to look back on the last year, this little life I have growing inside of me has given me the hope and strength I've needed to keep looking forward.  As one life ends, a new one begins.   It will be hard doing this mom thing without my own mom there to help me but I am realizing for the first time that all the answers I had been looking for from my mother have always been there with me. They are in the memories I hold of her. They are in the stories I will tell my son of his halamoni in heaven.  I was surprised with the calmness I felt leaving the graveyard.  I left with a feeling of assurance that everything would be just fine.  Omma, I feel you.  And the baby does, too.

I miss you, Ma...