Today, I visited Omma's grave for the first time in a year. I know that this is only where her body lies and that her soul is everywhere now. And yet after a year, I still can't believe she's gone. The stunning, searing pain I felt in my heart a year ago returned for the first time in months and as I gasped for air and reached for Julien's arm, I broke down. Then suddenly something happened, I felt the baby shift and give me a little tap. I reached down to my stomach and touched my side and felt yet again a tap right where my hand was. A sign of consolation? I believe it was. The pain in my heart was suddenly lifted. I knew Omma was smiling down on us. As hard as it is to look back on the last year, this little life I have growing inside of me has given me the hope and strength I've needed to keep looking forward. As one life ends, a new one begins. It will be hard doing this mom thing without my own mom there to help me but I am realizing for the first time that all the answers I had been looking for from my mother have always been there with me. They are in the memories I hold of her. They are in the stories I will tell my son of his halamoni in heaven. I was surprised with the calmness I felt leaving the graveyard. I left with a feeling of assurance that everything would be just fine. Omma, I feel you. And the baby does, too.
I miss you, Ma...
Your love for your mother always moves me to tears. What a gift.
Posted by: The Bold Soul | November 16, 2006 at 11:49
Some people believe that we attract the spirits of our beloved dead ones more closely while pregnant in order for the old soul to welcome the new. I find the thought reassuring. Take care of yourself and your baby belly!
Posted by: Emma | November 16, 2006 at 13:44
My husband lost his mother before the birth of our little one too. It was definitely bittersweet to be pregnant with her grandchild, knowing she wasn't around anymore.
Take care of yourself and your little one on the way!
Posted by: laura b | November 16, 2006 at 16:55
I didn't realize your mother had passed. I am so sorry.
This blog entry made my eyes well up with tears. Very touching.
Posted by: Deb | November 16, 2006 at 19:40
hi-
that is so sweet and i will pass along to my friend Margie who lost her mom 2 weeks ago to colon cancer. she is not yet married (boyfriend of 4 yrs hasn't proposed yet!!). the week before her mom passed, her mom hired someone to have 2 christening gowns made. one for margie and one for her sister emma. hopefully, margie will feel the comfort of a baby in the same way you do. knowing that life goes on and that as one life fades another grows.
Posted by: stephanievmills | November 16, 2006 at 20:09
Your mother will always be with you, even when it feels like she isn't.
This is a lovely post, Aimee.
Posted by: Alison | November 16, 2006 at 20:42
Just discovered your blog - beautiful thoughts about your mom, mine is still alive but in many ways gone from me as well ... I just got back from Paris (with my one year old), what a lovely city, I hope to go back in the future. Congratulations on your bun in the oven, enjoy it, let everyone spoil you, sleep in as much as you can. Hey, I went to UW-Madison for undergrad, I know all those restaurant well :-) . But it's cold in those there parts right now. Brrrr!
Posted by: Carol | November 17, 2006 at 02:40
Oh, how I remember that moment. It is so hard, but I am so happy that you have this new life growing with you. Your mom is with you, and she always will be. Stay strong, Mama.
Posted by: Ronica | November 17, 2006 at 02:59
Even though it has been 17 years since I lost my mother, I teared up reading your post.
I understand what you were feeling and yes, they will always be with us.
Posted by: lsaspacey | November 17, 2006 at 07:53
Sniff. That was beautiful.
Posted by: Jennifer | November 17, 2006 at 14:52
hi
i can understand your feeling cos i lost my aunt last July! was a murder case..till now i still can feel the pain!
anyway, just browse thru the net and drop by to say hi!
stay strong my gal :)
Posted by: regg | November 18, 2006 at 02:33
Stay strong and take care girl!*hugs*
Posted by: vanessa | November 18, 2006 at 04:45
This was a very beautiful and touching post. And your hubby is so supportive, that's just wonderful. Thank you for sharing this.
Posted by: Mlle Smith | November 18, 2006 at 20:06
Hi Aimee! It's so fun and inspiring to see your blog and read your ideas and memories of your mom. I'm sitting here in a warm kitchen, with the freezing temperature outside.
Congratulations on your marriage. I'm so happy for you and your baby. I hope I will get to hug and hold her/him when you visit Olathe. I'm praying for your health and hapiness. How is your Dad? Hope to hear from you. Jeanine Noguera (Ben and Erika's mom)
Posted by: Jeanine Noguera | November 19, 2006 at 03:29
Hi Flare, I haven't read your blog for about a year, as I have been out of the loop having a baby. (I always read at work, naughty naughty, and I haven't been there of course).
Am sorry to hear of your mum passing, but so thrilled to hear about the baby!
Many congratulations! Our daughter has changed our life irrevocably, but she is incredible, and soooo much fun too. Enjoy!
Posted by: Joy | November 20, 2006 at 00:10
so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Maryam in Marrakesh | November 21, 2006 at 12:29
Everyone misses your mom, she was an awesome lady, a wonderful cook, and a kick-ass mom. I still wonder how she kept the whole soccer team in line!
Posted by: Matt | November 22, 2006 at 00:41