After another night of nearly hourly feedings except near 5am Max decided he needed sleep and slept until 9am. I, expecting him to wake up at 6am and then 7am, did not sleep. I kept dozing off but then would wake up in a jump thinking, "why isn't he awake?", "is he breathing?!" and I would stare at his chest to see if it was moving up and down. I'd lay down and try to sleep but then sleep did not come.
No one tells you exactly how hard the beginning weeks of mommyhood are. I guess if they did you might change your mind about becoming parents. No one told me how mean I'd be to my dear, loving husband who at 3am is looking to sleep as much as I am but in my mind he's had enough sleep because he doesn't have a baby who wants to attach himself to you every hour on the hour. No one tells you how crazy your emotions get after having a baby. Yeah, there's the baby blues but I think I'm experiencing something bigger than that and may need some extra help. I'm not a depressed person have never been depressed for more than a few days in a row. Even after my mother passed away, I felt a sadness that no one should ever feel and the world ended right there. But I somehow figured out how to keep living. Breathing. Moving forward. But being Mom to Max is hard, people. Last night, while in my black vortex of sleep deprivation I felt like throwing myself out the window. I thought about it. Standing in the kitchen, open window and jump out. That was about when I threw all the kitchen utensils on the floor because I couldn't find the weird pasta fork to serve myself spaghetti. Max was crying. Then stopped and looked at me with his amazing big eyes that said, "Yo, Ma... it's not so bad. I'm here for you." And magically, time stopped. My heart skipped a beat and Julien just hugged me and said nothing.
These feelings of helplessness and utter despair I have felt lately scare me. I've never felt so weak in my life. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a weak person. I fight for what I believe in. Speak up. Reach out. React. Now, I feel desperation all the time and it starts Sunday night because I know the next day my husband will leave me alone for over 10 hours with Max and I'm worried that I'm going to lose my shit. I haven't yet but I worry about it... I've limited the losing of my shit when Julien is around. I guess that's good, right?
I'm still in the middle of the baby blues funk. My body still aches from the c-section. My clothes don't fit and I've been wearing the same outfit since I've come home from the clinic: sweatpants, tank top and nursing bra. I just found out that all my shoes do not fit me anymore. They all just a half size too small. ALL. OF. THEM. I'd like to go out and get some shoes to wear but that would mess up Max's routine and then would deprive me of sleep and then I will turn into hysterical Aimee and I really, really want to say goodbye to her.
But I titled this post "Amazing" for a reason. Max is all of a sudden back to what he was doing a few days ago. Sleeping and eating and being happy. We didn't go out today. Didn't change his little routine. And he sleeps. So, that means I sleep. Slept for more than three hours at a time. I feel better. Sleep deprivation is horrible. But this is my life right now. My life, horrible? No way. When I have sleep, I see clearly... I see my husband who's in the kitchen right now making me abowl of yogourt and bananas and a son that's just so beautiful, I still can't believe he came out of my body. The joy I feel right now as he is filling his little tummy with milk that my body makes only for him is indescribable. No one tells you how amazing the breastfeeding bond really is, I guess it's because you have to live it. I need to focus on these things so that the other undesirable feelings don't take over. How do I find a balance? Maybe there isn't a balance right now... All I know is Max and Julien are the best things in my life right now. I'll just focus on them for now.