Julien is on paternity leave for two weeks. Thank god, I need him! Though, things have gotten easier in the past weeks and I am used to the breastfeeding, taking care of baby thing, changing diapers, bathing, etc... I am still struggling with the lack of sleep. I feel recharged after getting a good three hours but it's a faux recharge as soon after I feel my feet dragging and have a hard time focusing again. So now that Julien is off work he's living at Maximilien and I's pace and I think he's realizing how hard things really are. But he is also realizing how amazing and rewarding it can be too. Just tonight after two failed attempts to get Max to sleep, I gave up and took him to bed with me. I breastfed him and before I knew it he had been on the boob for over two hours. I'd say more like three judging how floppy my boob felt after I woke up. When I fall asleep with Max in bed I call if fake sleeping because I'm not really asleep, I think my body lets me rest a little but doesn't let me sleep to protect Max. Julien came in to check on us and I was cranky as hell and wanted real sleep. He took Max to the living room and I tried to sleep. Max cried for a while and I covered my head with a pillow and tried to shut it out so that I could give my two boys time together. The mamas out there can relate it's hard hearing your baby cry. I had to hold everything in me to keep myself from running out to him. But before I knew it, I had slept 5 hours straight something that hasn't happen in a long time since we've come home from the clinic and Julien had gotten the boy to sleep on him for the first time. I could tell he was proud and happy when he brought him back to me so that I could feed him. He gave me Max and in a dazed state and announced he was off for a shower. This is our life at 2:30am.
I'm really glad that Julien waited to take his paternity leave now. I think Max is more aware of the two people in his life right now. Of course, he knows me but I think he's realizing there is someone else here who's just as equally important. There is something in his eye that I see when he looks at Julien like he's putting two and two together:
Just now as Julien laid down to sleep he annouced how he was looking forward to sleeping in. I laughed. Sleeping in? Yeah, right. He has no idea that those days are way over, at least for a couple years. Funny how I can joke about it now but seeing Max's little face when I reach over to pick him up in the middle of the night makes me forget how things like sleeping in on the weekend used to be so important to me.
*The state of Us.