We're back in Paris. It's good to be home. Max was a champ during both legs of our international trip to the US. He actually slept in the weird bassinet thingy. And what is with strangers thinking that it's okay to touch him. I had to stop several hands from pinching his chunky cheeks while he was sleeping? Hello? I must say that I was very happy to have the Maya Wrap with me. It made toting my 15lb two month old plus two suitcases at 50lbs and the Maclaren very, very easy.
The time spent with my family was amazing. He was welcomed by my family with open arms. We laughed and shared tears of joy and sadness. I was in awe all weekend to see the generations of my family all together. My father holding his grandson for the first time. My Aunt speaking Korean to her great nephew. My cousins introducing me to their children. Family. The one thing that makes living abroad so hard.
With every milestone in my life, I am reminded of the emptiness my heart feels. The void that often over takes me when I think of my mother. I know that her time on the Earth has ended and she's gone off to do bigger things. My spiritual side reminds me that when my life ends on this physical Earth I walk on, a new spiritual life will begin and there I will see my mother again. But I am terribly sad that she can not take part in this momentous time in my life. To hold her grandson, to experience this with me. I guess it's my selfishness that will not let her go. I choose not to let her go and I know that makes it hard for me to fully enjoy these happy times. I do find comfort in speaking with my family about my feelings. To know that it's just as hard for them as it is for me. We are all moving on in our own ways.
I try to keep my head up and look at what is ahead of me. I take quiet moments to absorb happy moments and try to linger on those happy times to help me get through the hard ones. I look to the faces of my loving family and see that time is catching up with each and every one of us. I just turned 30. But I still see my siblings as the young under 10 year olds they once were and yet they surprise me with their wisdom and I realize they are now adults just like me.
Leaving my family was hard but I looked forward to coming home to my own family. Max and I were greeted by a very happy Julien. Max's eyes lit up with recognition as his father pulled him close for cålin. We stood and held on to each other in the middle of the airport. Kissing and hugging. Smelling each other again. It's good to be home.
Welcome home! In reading your blog I have several times notice you mention that "empty" feeling regarding the loss of your mother. I too lost my mom back in 1992 (I was 20, she was 49). I'd like to recommend a book to you which was (and is) helpful to me as I have grown and had life changing experiences and milestones without her. The book is "Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss" by Hope Edelman. Please let me know what you think. Wishing you the best!
Posted by: Becky | June 09, 2007 at 05:05
You write about your sense of happiness and loss beautifully and it makes it just that little bit better for those of us out there who have gone, or are going, through the same thing.
Posted by: Kylie | June 09, 2007 at 08:56
You write about your sense of happiness and loss beautifully and it makes it just that little bit better for those of us out there who have gone, or are going, through the same thing.
Posted by: Kylie | June 09, 2007 at 08:57
Welcome back to France! So glad that Max did so well on his long journey. He is a champ! You are doing a wonderful job and I know that your mother is so proud of you.
lots of love and bisous à deux
Riana
Posted by: riana | June 09, 2007 at 09:50
You and Max are real travel troopers and J, a trooper for being w/o you both. I am always touched how greatly you miss your mom, hugs for every moment you think of her :) It's awful yes, how folks think they can touch Max - ewwww! I had someone who thought she could take my son out of my arms once! Glad to read you are home!
Posted by: Terry | June 09, 2007 at 15:33
Glad your home safe..
your trip went well and MAX did fine. YAY!!!!
Posted by: charisse | June 09, 2007 at 18:20
I'm impressed with you traveling all that way by yourself with such a little one!
Posted by: syndi | June 10, 2007 at 00:45
Aimee, I always sense that your mother is right with you in all your waking hours with Max and Julien. She is looking over your shoulder or your arms are her arms as you snuggle Max tightly.
Posted by: San Francisco | June 10, 2007 at 04:11
Welcome back - we've missed you but it's good to know the trip went well and Max is a star traveler! Can't wait to check out your latest photos and catch up with you. When you get over your jet lag let's make plans to get together, ok? Hugs to you and Max.
Posted by: The Bold Soul | June 10, 2007 at 18:57
Aimee, this post made me tear up considerably. I also live overseas away from my family. The pregnancy hormones don't help. You express the feelings behind these momentous life events so well.
Posted by: kat | June 11, 2007 at 03:36
I am glad you made it home safely and the trip was good with little Max. I was wondering how things went on the plane :) Can't wait to see you soon!
Posted by: Heather | June 11, 2007 at 15:48
So glad the trip was a success, and glad you are home safe.
You know your mom is watching you. And she's proud of you, as Riana said.
Posted by: Alison | June 11, 2007 at 20:21
Glad you had a great trip! I'll bet Erin and Beth were not ready for you to go home either!
Miss you...
Mary Anne
Posted by: Mary Anne | June 11, 2007 at 20:57
What a nice post. You made me cry. I know it must be hard having a baby and not having your mom around.
My father died the day my son was conceived (we did IVF so we knew the exact moment of conception). What a weird chain of events. He is the spitting image of my father. I feel his presence everywhere and all the time and I'm constantly reminded of him through my son.
Posted by: misschrisc | June 12, 2007 at 09:52
Lovely thoughts you have here, I am very touched. You are a great daughter and I am sure your mom is smiling over you wherever she is.
It's been 9 years that I have been away from NYC and finally this September I will be going back home. I always thought I could spend time with my parents when I am older, when they are older. But one thing I have learned is never to take things for granted. Do things as they can be done then. And for this, I realy looking for returning to NYC and spend some time with my parents now.
Posted by: MA Shumin | June 18, 2007 at 17:04