And there are hard days...

I dropped Max off at Tata's. He was quietly sitting in his stroller as we approached her door.  The hallway dark as I hadn't tripped the minuterie to light the way.  I stood for a second before turning on the light but then Tata opened the door and was waiting for us.  She greeted us with a warm smile and reached out to get Max out of the stroller. She glanced at me and her face changed. I guess I wasn't hiding my feelings very well. I was wearing my emotions like a huge billboard across my forehead. 

Just a few minutes before arriving to Tata's, Max and I strolled through the park by her apt and I saw a group of older women practicing Tai Chi.  The build of these women, the way they held their hands and the way they fixed their hair reminded me so much of my mother. One woman in particular was intrigued by my presence and she studied my face. A smiled appeared and she waved. I smiled back shyly and I felt the tears stinging my eyes. Any one of those women could have been my mother. I wished that she was one of them.

Tata motioned for me to come in and I went and sat down on the her couch as she filled me in on the day's activities. Max was going to be Tata's only charge for the day as the other two children were on vacation.  I hugged Max to begin the goodbye process and he grasped tightly to my coat.  Tata watched but mostly looking at me, studying my face.  I felt the tears rising. I quickly stood up and I said "bye bye" to Max and he waved and said, "Ba, ba, Ma Ma". Before I ever realized it I was crying. I rushed for the door because I did not want Tata to see me upset.  When I am missing my mother and someone asks me what's wrong, I can not lie and say it's something else. I tell them that my mother died and I miss her. But responses like this make people uncomfortable so I try to avoid them if I can.  She stood in the doorway, shielding Max with her shoulder. I stood in the dark hallway pressing the elevator button as sheets of tears streamed down my face.  As I turned to bid them goodbye,  Tata quickly mentioned that Max shouldn't see me upset because that would only upset him. But I looked back at Max with tears in my eyes and he smiled and reached out for me. Giving me a sympathetic smile. One I've seen so many times when I am sad and missing my mom.  I said, "bye bye" and let the elevator door close.

Should I let Max see me upset? Of course, he should see me upset.  If anything, Max has seen the entire array of emotions that I own.  I don't cry everyday but I do cry most days. I miss my mom and I tell Max that everyday. We look at her photo and I talk about her to him. He clutches the photo and gives it kisses. I honestly believe he  understands. 

In the afternoon, I went to pick up Max and he was so excited to see me. He held his arms out to me, letting me falls into them as I inhaled his sweet baby scent.  The melancholia of today just seemed to melt away in that moment.  Walking home in the rain as my Converse sloshed and my wool coat hung heavy on my shoulders, I felt better. I imagined my mom if I had the chance to tell her about the cafe and I could see her reaction. Her clap and little jump that she'd do when she was excited about something. And before I knew it I was imitating her. I was standing in front of Max in the stroller clapping and jumping and Max broke into a series of baby giggles and clapped himself. 

I will never hide my feelings from Max. Omma never hid hers from me and that is one of the strongest memories I keep of her.

Comments

[Sarah]

*pow* I totally agree - and it is so cool that the strengths of your mother are coming through in you, whether you question them or not.

[andie]

I totally agree with you. In my family, we were taught to 'hide' our emotions and my stepdad would always tell me "Now, why are you crying, you shouldn't cry" and even today, I'm ashamed to cry in front of the world. I'm also very ashamed to talk about or show any type of feeling to the world and usually bottle it up.

At school a couple months ago, I had the worst observation ever and couldn't help but let the tears flow in front of all of my colleagues- I was so embarrassed. But, we shouldn't be embarrassed and we shouldn't teach our kids to be embarrassed about how they feel. The only way of doing that is by showing them that we are upset too, sometimes. It creates a more genuine and authentic relationship to your children if they can see that we are humans too.

[The Bold Soul]

Good for you. Especially I think when raising a boy, it's important for him to know it's ok to have and show his emotions -- not always to feel he has to suck it up and "be a man about it" like we often do to boys. The love of my life is an emotional man and it's one of the things I love most about him, those moments when one of us gets emotional and next thing you know, the other one is also wiping his or her wet eyes. I'm thrilled to have a man in my life who doesn't tell me I'm "too emotional", either -- I heard that my entire life (from my mother, unfortunately, who had a hard time dealing with other people's strong emotions). Because HE can handle his own emotions and isn't afraid to express the full range of them, he can handle mine and never makes me feel wrong for having them and showing them. I also think that because he can express all his emotions, it's the reason he has no problems with "anger management" - he rarely gets angry and even when he does, he handles it well.

On another note: when is opening day! I want to make sure to come by and celebrate with a big pot of tea!!! And do some café-writing there!

[gleek]

so sweet. i love to hear about your mother. and yes, you should always show your emotions to your baby boy! in tata's defense, she may have thought that seeing you cry as you were leaving might make max sad all day and upset. not that that's an excuse. i've just seen many caregivers hope for the parent to be happy when they leave so as not to distract the babe. anyway, i can't wait to hear about your opening day!

[yaiAnn]

That was a very beautiful story! I love hearing about your mom and the connections she makes to your life.

[Alison]

That was really touching, Aimee. *hug*

[La Rêveuse]

I am bawling with you. Oh, how I feel it, too. I think of my mom every day, especially with the 10 year anniversary of her death less than a month away. It's still hard, especially now that we have kids.

I agree that you should let Max see, but I do understand where Tata's coming from. She doesn't quite know the situation, though. Sound like she is a very kind soul; a good person to care for Max when you have other responsibilities. You made a good choice. I'm so proud of you.

And so is your mom. You *know* she sent the Tai Chi ladies. She so did. To let you know she was watching.

[Reese]

I think you are entirely right to show Max your emotions. It's really difficult losing someone so important to you, and you are still trying to figure out how to live your life knowing that she's not there anymore. Don't worry too much though; you know she is watching you from heaven, laughing when you laugh, wishing she could be there when you cry.

I wish there was some way to just remove all the sorrow and loss you feel, but I also feel that would be unreal and unfair to the memory of your very special mother. I'm glad that you are brave to let your son see your emotions. I think so many people are afraid to share their emotions, even with the closest of family members.

Lots of love from the states,
Reese

[Veronique]

So, do you think that Tata thought you were crying about leaving Max for the day? It's more complicated than that, as you've so eloquently described, but difficult to explain to your nanny...
My step-mother was once so worried because my dad was late coming from work; she assumed he'd had a horrific car accident and was in the hospital. In order to shield my then-baby brother from her irrational fear/morbidity, she bit her Swatch. Eventually, it broke. It was a special edition Keith Haring Swatch, and she kept all the pieces so I could see what it was like inside. All this to "protect" her baby? I was 12 and confused about the whole concept.

[anne]

I think you are right to show your emotions, especially with boys. I have two sons, one who shows his emotions and one who doesn;t like to. But I do understand Tata a little bit.

Your mum would be very proud of you, with your new venture!!

Will keep reading to see how it all goes :-)

[mamie]

i think that you are teaching your child compassion and the depth that emotions can have by showing him the facets of your grief. he will know that his omma is a precious love that he can share through you. it is beautiful when you write, amy, when you give these days a voice. i always read here with a sense of how wonderful you are as you walk through this life you are crafting. thank you for sharing....cannot wait to see the cafe as it comes to be.

[Mary Anne]

Trust your instincts...your Omma taught you well...

Hugs
Mary Anne

[jchapel]

Max loves his mama because of everything that she is...even during her sad moments! Our little ones are deeper, and stronger, than some people can realize...

[Elaine]

My Dear,I know exactly what you are going through. Exactly. My little boy is quite a bit older and I worry about crying in front of him, but I do and I just explain why I'm sad so he knows that it is ok and so does Max. I'm sure of that.

[Riana]

crying with you. you are such a great mama and i am sure that your mom instructed that lady to smile and wave to you. she speaks to you in some many ways.

big hugs

[Rachelle]

Just as you were blessed to have had your mother teach you so many things, Max is blessed to have you. Your instincts are your best guide and it sounds like you are a great mom, tears and all!

[Ashley]

Your Omma will be living in your heart forever and I am sure she will always be there for you no matter what happen. There is nothing wrong to share your feeling with Max. In fact, it's a good way for him to learn that it's ok to be emotional. I am sure his hal-meoni is proud of him for being such an understanding wee boy for his mum. You are doing great! No worries! =)

[susiej]

After my Mom died, I cried all the time. So, my kids saw me cry a lot... My four-year-old at the time said, "Stop crying about your Mom, Mom.... You already area a Mom."

Eventually, they saw me cry less and less, as tears did eventually turn to joy. Still, there are times, when I still cry again. It's good for them to see our emotions.

Hugs.

[simplicity]

My mother passed away last December and I agree, when someone asks what's wrong and you say that you miss your dead mother, they get very uncomfortable. It is awkward and hard, yet a real sadness that many don't understand. I applaud that you are open and real, especially with your son.

[cyn]

this entry brought tears to my eyes. so well written and from the heart. i will you success on your opening day and beyond, aimee! xo

[patois]

This is beautiful. How wonderful that you are able to see your mother in you. Max sounds like a lucky lad.