A new tooth popped out...

and I missed it....

The separation from Max is a lot harder than I realized it would be. I kept reminding myself that this would be so good for Max. Good for him to be around other children. A wonderful growing experience.  During his first week, the adaptation week, I cried everyday after I dropped him off. Only one day was it so bad that I broke down in front of Tata.  Now Max has been going to Tata's for two weeks and he seems to really love it. I feel a tinge of jealousy when I drop him off, seeing Tata scoop him up and give him a hug.  I am standing at the door watching someone else take care of my child.  This is the price I pay to pursue my dream.

Do I sound bitter? I feel a little bit bitter. Are these feelings I have normal? I have to think that they are. I just don't know how to deal with them just yet. I think that if I can get my Thursdays organized and prioritized, I can make the most of this day with Max perhaps this bitterness will go away. 

Last night, Max woke up crying and he only wanted his father.  I went to him first because  I hadn't seen him the entire day. When he saw me he cried even harder and moaned for "da da". Julien came and scooped him up and he stopped crying.  Is this his way of telling me he having a hard time adjusting? Two hours later, he finally let me hold him. I was on the brink of tears because I so desperately needed to hold my baby.  He collapsed into my arms and let me rock him while he sucked his thumb. Does he forgive me for leaving him during the day?

I am worn and ragged around the edges and I'm just starting this adventure. No one said it would be easy this dream of mine...Like I really asked around but this is my naive self talkin' here who didn't realize what it'd feel like to miss my son's new tooth. I guess I better prepare myself for other firsts I am bound to miss... but dang it, I hope that I catch a few on my days off with Max.

Comments

[danielle]

All these feelings you describe are so familiar, either from a year ago (my son is two) or just last night! I have cried when leaving my child at daycare or with the nanny... and I have felt hurt when my son only wants my husband (which happens more frequently as my hubby is recently a stay-at-home-dad).

The consolation is that work is very rewarding- and that there are oodles of milestones that you WILL be a part of. You have so many things going on at once- a huge professional project, a new childcare situation. Just one of those things could make someone freak out. You are doing a great job. focus on work and baby, and let everything else slide a bit. And delegate to hubby anything you can! Serenity now!

[stephanie]

Yep, that sounds just about right! :)
The perils of being a working mother. The dropping off part gets easier - My E is almost 5. Because I'm self employed I went back to work when he was 3.5 months old. In Canada, we have a 12 month maternity leave that we pay into our 'unemployment insurance' part of taxes! I don't pay into that so therefore I didn't get the 12 months off! But, since its a family biz, I was able to ease back into working (and I was going thru a tough divorce at the time too). He is in good hands and will flourish with the new playmates!

[The Bold Soul]

It sounds normal to me, all of it, including the part where he might prefer his Papa some of the time, which kids go back and forth on more than once in their early years. Mama is always #1 at the beginning and then it's Papa's turn to be the favorite for a while. Then the pendulum will swing the other way. As far as maybe missing some moments... that's got to be hard and it won't be fun, but maybe it would help if you remember that by you pursuing your dream, you are being one amazing role model for your son (and any other children you might have) and overall it will make you a happier person and therefore a happier mother. What better gift could you give your child(ren)? There are many ways to be a good parent and the love you have for Max is so evident that he'll always feel it.

[Sandra]

Have you considered having the best of both worlds? I LOVE places that are kid-friendly and there are many, many stay at home moms who love to congregate in places like Starbucks or tearooms. Might be difficult at first, when you are feeling less 'new' at this, perhaps you could take him along for some or all of your working day. After all, you're the boss.
All the very best to you, I love your blog and think you are just wonderful.

[cyn]

you are my heroine!

it does take a lot of work and sacrifice
to pursue our dreams. and leaving little
max will get easier as you adjust. believe me.

*hugs* hang in there, aimee!! xo

[andie]

I had a really hard time when Gab started going to daycare but eventually saw how much fun he was having and that it was good for me too, even though I didn't realize it at the time. With Louise, it's been a different experience because Etienne kept her here for 4 months while I went to work and it was right at the time when she started really exploring the apartment, making it difficult for us to work at home, that we got the place in the daycare. For awhile, when E was watching her, Louise didn't want to have much to do with me, which was difficult, but I do think kids to through phases. I know it's very difficult to not be there all the time for Max, but one important lesson I learned from Gab's old daycare is that life is full of transitions. Even birth is a transition into the world and at some point, our children have to learn to transition as well just like we have to learn to transition to stages without them. Pretty soon, in a couple years, he'll be going to school, which was even worse for us than the daycare and we wanted to go get Gab everyday, and his going to the nanny now is just preparing you both for steps like that in the future.

But, I do know how you feel. I haven't seen my kids at all this year, I feel like. Either they are at school or daycare or Etienne is the one taking care of them because I have a meeting and get home late or I have to go to class and leave early. And, then the little time we have together is spent stressed out because there are always other things to do. Don't worry, though, you will find a routine and maybe you could find a half day where Max could hang out at the café?

[Natalie]

Look at the positive. Max is liking his daycare. Could you just imagine if every time you dropped him off he was crying?!?! My son did that for quite some time and every time I felt horrible. It was the hardest thing to do as a mother. Max is helping you adjust to the new routine.

[New-Yorkaise - Parisienne]

Hi Aimee,

Lisa said it so well. I can only imagine how the separation must be after being at home with Max for his first year of life. I'm sure this is a monumental period of adjustment for you, Julien and Max. As Max bonds with the other children at Tata's, it will help him to grow and learn and trust others.

One day, Max will be so proud of you knowing that you are pursuing your dream. I am sure he also knows that HE is your dream too! I think when he asks for Julien, he is trying to understand the separation. It's also a nice bonding experience with this Papa. I can see in this reaction, he is also telling you how much he loves you.

I'm sure it is hard to miss the little things like a new tooth. The photo above is priceless. That face says it all! :) During this transition, I'm sure a part of you is living for Thursdays. At the same time, every night, you are so eager to get to work the next day to jump into your new life at the cafe. I think it's wonderful.

It is so amazing how you have stepped into this new work life since 1 April with so much love and support!

Your blog readers are cheering you on, and we are so inspired by everything you are doing! Introducing the cafe characters, seeing the birth of your new cafe blog, telling us about what you are baking and the new plants you and Sarah bought today... all of it is heart-warming.

Once Max understands how much your cafe dream means to you, I have no doubt that he will realize what a lucky little boy he is! Having a Mama who gives to herself gives even more to her family! The love keeps on multiplying! :)

[Crazy Baby Lady]

I know it must be hard but you are doing awesome. it will get better i promise.

I looked on the cafe site but I can't see operation hours. What time do you close? Do you get home before Max goes to bed? Is there a possibility you could push is bed time back and he will sleep a bit later in the morning so you can see him when you come home?

[Jennifer]

I haven't been here in ages and am catching up.

First of all: CONGRATULATIONS!! Your café is adorable. I want to make a trip to Paris just to have lunch at L'Oisive.

I also run my own albiet less romantic business and had my son in daycare around your son's age. The hours apart were hard at first, but then you both get used to it. It's important to follow your dreams. It's important for your children to see you following your dreams, happy and fulfilled.

Good for you.

[SuBon]

My comment may not mean much, and I know you asked for other working moms what they think, but here it is anyway. From the perspective of a father and a working parent who was out earning during all the times my 5 kids were babies, I never felt that I missed any of your first life events. Sure, Omma may have actually rubbed her finger on your sore gums and felt the tooth come through, but I rubbed a few gums, too, and I got to see the new teeth soon enough that it didn't make much difference. We all make and miss events in our children's lives. The main thing is to love your child and give your presence to them when you are with them.

Ah-ppa