I am a selfish mom sometimes

Another Thursday with Max has come and gone. He's fast sleep in the next room. I am laying in bed getting subtle relief from the Advil I took for my migraine. Although I've had this migraine all day today, I didn't realize it was happening until after I put Max to bed. When I am with Max nothing else really matters. I miss phone calls. I forget to check the mail. I don't do the dishes. I am only with him.  Thursdays are the highlight of my week.

Today, Max had a quick visit to the doctors. Over the long weekend he had a fever for a few days but Julien and I just assumed he was teething. He had been drooling a lot over the weekend and his cheeks were red. Noting else seemed out of the ordinary so I didn't worry. But then on Monday a few spots showed up all over his body. Chicken pox? Maybe it was for real this time? But something about the way these bumps looked did not say chicken pox to me.  And the doctor confirmed that they were not but instead Max had the tail end of Roseola. The doctor reassured me there was nothing to worry about and that in a few days the spots would be completely gone.

After spending the afternoon riding trains, playing with friends, making a mess in a toy store and riding more trains we made it home. Dinner, bath and bed. I find myself trying to relaxing with a migraine.  I lay in bed right now thinking about today and remembered soemthing new Max did today. When I push the stroller I often talk to Max and explain to him things I see. Sometimes I sing silly songs I make up. Or we play a game where he repeats what I say.  If there is a moment when I haven't said anything, Max yells,  "Ma ma?!?" The last syllable of Ma ma raised as he saying,"are you there?" And I always respond, "Yes, Max... I am here." And our conversation starts again.

Another new thing he's started doing is when we're on the metro and I am sitting next to him he reaches over and grabs my hand and pulls it close to his face and cuddles it.  I tickle the soft baby skin of his neck and he smiles and rests his cheek against my palm. Warms my heart through and through....

We are waiting to hear if Max will have a place in the Creche this fall.  If he does get a spot then that  means he will be in day care full time and our Thursdays together will probably come to an end. I think I am secretly hoping that he won't get a spot but financially speaking it will be the best thing for our family. The nanny is expensive. I am still getting used to being a full time working mom.  I have moments when the guilt of being away from Max overwhelms me to the point that sometimes I come home from work and rush back to Max's room and scoop up his sleeping form and cuddle him in my arms.  Most nights I can refrain from doing that and just stand at the door and listen to him sleep. But sometimes it's just plus fort que moi...

I know this will get easier in time... I just need some more time.

Comments

[materfamilias]

Your son seems happy, thriving, and confident -- what a lovely video! Take it from me, we never stop second-guessing ourselves as moms (and maybe that's as it should be -- we're doing important work after all). But Max is learning that we can be engaged, loving, competent parents and have work of our own as well -- we don't have to choose. I only know you through your blog, but I think you're doing an amazing job of balancing.

[misschrisc]

Oh that sounds hard. I´m so sorry *sniff*. From everything I´ve read on your blog you sound like such good mom so I'm sure your boy knows this. Little boys love their mommíes and as you probably know by now these emotions run deep. As long as you have some special time together each week I´m sure he´ll be fine.

[Terry]

A- I have to agree w. the prior two posts - I think we moms never stop feeling like your descriptions! Always a mom and that's why Max loves to take you hand close to him :) (My son USED to, now he's too old for that :) You are a wonderful mom, remember that!

[The Bold Soul]

So happy to hear it was roseola and not rubella after all! (Whew!) He's so adorable.

I know you feel guilty about not being with him as much now that you're working. My mom had to go back to work after her divorce when I was 10 (she had no choice, we needed the money as I had one of those dead-beat dads who never paid his child support). And what I remember about that time now is being proud of her for working so hard to take care of us, and she worked in a job she didn't even like a lot of the time. And it didn't bother me at all that she wasn't always home when I got home after school or that sometimes she had to work an overnight shift (my grandmother stayed with us at those times). I think Max will look back on his childhood and think, "Wow, my mom is so cool, she started this great tea shop and even though she was sometimes tired and couldn't play with me all day, ever day when I was little, she was always so happy!"

The things we fear the kids will miss out on, they usually don't. He'll accept this as totally normal and he'll never feel he missed out on a single thing because he's got such great parents who adore him so much.

[Jiwon]

Oh, don't you just love the hand cuddling! Avery does that too, it's so insanely heart warming. From what you write, it seems like you're an amazing mom. In my opinion, it's never easy being a mom, you always second guess yourself whether you're a working mom or not. My hubby always reminds me, "all they need is love". And you've definitely got lots to shower Max with. You'll both do amazing.

Sounds like your Creche is like our CPE. Avery is currently in a private daycare, but has finally gotten a place in the government subsidized daycare for September. And I'm having a hard time making a decision to switch her or not. I cannot imagine having to part her from the ladies who take such great care of her, and whom she loves so much too. But the price difference is incredible, it just doesn't make sense financially.

Perhaps you could switch your day off to the weekend? Whatever happens, you'll continue to do wonderfully as Max's mom.

[Lee Ann]

I am so excited for you and all the wonderful things you are doing, but you are allowed to miss your baby!

[Robyn]

Never heard of Roseola before,thanks for the information/link, I'm going to go check it out, to be informed.

When do you find out about the daycare?

You sound like one busy mama!

I love the way Sean when he's doing something he is not supposed to, will come and kisses me so that I forget about the bad things he's doing/done. It's sweet how Max takes your hand.

[Noisette's Maman]

Just because you get a spot in the creche doesn't mean you have to send him each Thursday...YOU are the maman!!!