Playing with Maximilien today I felt an overwhelming wave of joy and happiness burst from my heart and like a wave it flowed out of my arms, legs, chest and engulfed Max and I. And in this moment, I thought of my mother and how this is how it must of felt for her playing with us, raising us, being our Omma. I felt the tears welling up and I held Max close and he wrapped his little arms around my neck. The tears disappeared. He smiled and off he went. I sat watching him and thinking of my mother. Missing her. Wishing she could be here with my right now.
A day does not go by that I do not think about Omma. Say her name, call out to her or even talk to her. Most of my everyday life reminds me of my mother. The baking I do at the tea house. My daily routines with Max. And now my brother is here living with us for a year and just seeing him reminds me so much of her.
I have a photo of Omma and I on the bookshelf at the tea house and that brings me comfort when I suddenly feel lost in thought. But still... it is all very hard to handle. And there will never be enough passage of time to dull the pain of these emotions of loss and love.