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April 2009
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June 2009

May 2009


It's unavoidable that today I feel sad. I miss her. Terribly.

But it isn't really different from any other day of the year for me. 

One of my biggest fears is that Maximilien will have to endure the pain of losing his mother at a young age. I know that I can't control life. But how do you teach your child that sometimes life isn't fair? I don't know how to teach these life lessons.

But I do know how to love my baby. And he sure does know how to love his Mama.

Tonight before bed:

"Mama, calin?" and he threw himself into my arms for a big bear hug.

And then he stood back and said, "Mama, buh buh?" (kisses in Korean) and showers me with kisses on my cheeks.

My son. My hope. My heart.


Bedtime for the last couple weeks has been hard. Maximilien insists on reading books and then falling asleep in our bed. In the beginning, we indulged him on this.  There really was no way to crawl into his crib and read him books in his room so it was our bed for the final step of his night routine.  He's a snuggler and likes to have a doudou or two and he hand picks out 6 or 7 books to read. And every time when I finish the last book he announces, "Do do, Mommy" and cuddles in for the night.  I've been so tired the past few months when Max's bedtime rolls around I am pretty much ready for bed too so there we are snuggling and falling asleep together. For the first week, we were able to scoop Max up and put him in his crib without him noticing. This last week, he minute we'd move him he's wake up and put his baby sleeper grip on our necks and wail, "No, Mommy... Nooooooo!". Of course, me being the softie I give in and  take him back to our bed. But then the sleepless nights for Julien and I started happening. Let's just say that Max is a pretty agitated sleeper. One moment he's sleeping soundly and then next you know he's sitting up (asleep) turning himself around and it's his feet in my back and his head in Julien's.

After three nights in a row of this we had had enough. We put him in his bed and let him cry it out. Parents to toddlers can agree with me on this that 2 year olds can cry for a freaking long time.

Two nights ago, out of desperation and obvious need of sleep for Julien, especially. I shut myself up in Max's room and held him like a baby and rocked him to sleep. As he was falling asleep, I asked Max why he didn't want to sleep in his bed. He pointed to it and said, "baby".  And I responded, "Max is a big boy and wants to sleep in a big bed like Mommy's?" And he said, "Oui". Ah, sweet communication and understanding.

Max's "new" bed

Julien took off the gate portion of his crib last night and for the first time in a long time Max slept in his own bed. Upon showing him his "new" bed, he crawled right in and laid down. He did fall out once last night. After a few minutes consoling him and lots of hugs he was ready to go back to sleep.  

Today, he napped like a champ, grabbing his father's pillow to take to his bed. And he did not fall out of his bed today. He woke up and played quietly for 30 minutes before calling for me to come and get him since he still hasn't figure out how to open the 70 year old door knob to his room. 

Tonight, I read to him in our bed, we snuggled and talked about the new baby, I sensed he was drifting so I asked him if he was ready to go to his bed and after contemplating the question a few seconds, he whispered, "oui, mommy".

My baby is becoming a big boy...

Taking a little break from the baby talk...

So, we're booking our tickets for our flight home this summer. Our plan is to spend the entire month of August with my Dad in St. Louis and will probably be driving to Kansas and Nebraska to see family and friends. Talking with Julien tonight about the purchase of the tickets, he looks at me with a serious face saying, il faut qu'on discute cette histoire de Swine Flu. We need to talk about the Swine Flu.

The first I heard of this was last weekend when my mother-in-law dropped Maximilien off and mentioned with a very serious tone her worry about La Grippe Porciné. I have had my head in the toilet (literally) for the past month so I had to ask what that was? And she was surprised that I did not know that my beloved state of Kansas had two confirmed cases.

So, here I am opening up a little discussion here to get a better feel about how you feel about this Swine Flu. I know a lot of people who read my blog live in the US and I am hoping that I can get a better idea from you what you think rather than listening to the media. I've tried listening to a few news broadcasts but get put off because they make it sound scary using words like, pandemic. And the mama bear in me is worried for Max and myself being all newly pregnant.  When people talk about it with me I feel like like the odd person out because I am NOT freaking out about this.  And it's like everything, I already have a ton of things to think about do I need to worry about this too?