As hard as it is to relive the minutes and hours after Maximilien's birth this little boy reminds me that it's all worth it. I thought that if I didn't think about the experience it would just go away. And it did for a while I actually had forgotten but sitting in the doctor's office in the moment of dejavu finding out that BB was going to be a big girl all those emotions rushed back to me. But today for the first time in 2.5 years I actually feel okay about my birth experience. And I know I can type this and mean it because I am not crying uncontrollably but instead I feel excitement for BB birth in 4 weeks time.
I wonder in today's medical age of technology why it's so hard for us as women to get the birth that we want? There is a small part of me that wonders if I had decided to try to have Max naturally would it have gone alright? Would it have ended up in a cesarean anyways? I know women birth babies as big as Max naturally all the time. Heck, one of my readers did and I totally admire her for that! But I feel like when it was time to make the decision for Max I was slightly psyched out but all the technology and terms and medical jargon thrown at me that I was pretty much scared into choosing the cesarean. And now for BB, listening to the doctors explain to me the risks of induction with a baby so big and my uterus so stretched out and the scar and abnormally strong contractions and this and that... it makes my head spin and I just say, enough. Please, get me my baby and leave me the hell alone.
Dozing in and out of consciousness this morning I wondered if I could change things with BB's birth. Part of me is like change doctors! get more opinions! But I like my doctor and I wouldn't change doctors for the world because I. trust. him. And then all of a sudden I feel tired. And in this moment as the fatigue washes over me, there is Max standing by my side of the bed waiting to give me my morning kiss and I am reminded that everything ends well. Here's my 2.5 year old who's in perfect health who is happy and excited about the imminent arrival of his petite soeur. And I realize that I have made my choice. And I am alright with it.
I really love the way you write Aimee. Everything will end well. Max is so gorgeous - there is something special about a quarter asian babes :) I totally lucked out with my birth experience and avoided all western medical rubbish by birthing j in Japan. I thank god everyday for the experience I had, but I wish that all women were given a full range of options with no bias/fear tactics when they are pregnant. Bring on December 1st!
Posted by: kat | October 29, 2009 at 11:41
I think what you know is that the act of giving birth is different than what follows in being a mother. Without wanting to diminish the importance of the actual birth, clearly how you give birth does not reflect on whether you're a good mother or not.
I found that with Lucie's birth, I knew more of the questions to ask and felt much more empowered than I did with Gabriel's - where I accepted what I was 'told'. There didn't seem to be many choices for the first birth and I trusted my doctors to make my decisions. I'm sure they were good decisions but once I talked about other options with my gynéco and sage femme for #2 they were open to those too.
And of course after Lucie's birth I've since found out even more things that I could have asked for. I would have to have baby number 3 to request more changes for the moments after the baby's birth and their immediate treatment. But I don't think number 3 is on the cards!
Your baby girl will be beautiful and you will be a great mum again. I'm almost jealous of you getting those precious first days together with a new baby (and then I remember how tired I am, ha ha!).
Posted by: www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=613496477 | October 29, 2009 at 13:30
"Please, get me my baby and leave me the hell alone."
Love this!
:) I can't wait to see her pics and then smoosh her!
Posted by: Mary Anne | October 29, 2009 at 19:53
I love the picture you posted of your son. He is beautiful.
I have been reading your blog for a few months, I think came here via Poppy Fields, and at the risk of being that annoying commenter who leaves unsolicited assvice, I will say that I think all this investing so heavily in one's "perfect birth experience" is incredibly over-rated, but I understand how easy it is to get caught up in it. There are the books. There is that movie (disclaimer: I haven't seen it). There are all sorts of blogs on natural birth and how important it is to bond with your baby, yada yada yada, and I totally fell for it the first time, but now that I am on the other side of it, I really do think it's just a trend. And another way to make women feel inadequate.
You are clearly and incredibly talented woman. Your photography is amazing, your desserts look amazing, you run a really cool café, you are clearly a very loving and affectionate mother and the few things you have written about your late mother are so poignant. You are so much more than your so-called "birth experience". Your birth lasts one day. Your relationship with your daughter will last the rest of your life.
That said, I wish you the best of luck!!!
(And I apologize if this is at all annoying.)
Posted by: Jennifer | October 30, 2009 at 08:36
Nothing more for me to say except: HUGGING YOU.
Posted by: The Bold Soul | October 30, 2009 at 12:26
AImee!!!! i miss you, and think about you and the family all the time. MAX is soooo gorgeous!!! wow. i can't wait to meet him in person. And meet the new BB. Everythings going to be great.
love you!! xxB
Posted by: bevin | October 30, 2009 at 20:03