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November 2009

October 2009

He makes it all better

Still got a little baby curl 

As hard as it is to relive the minutes and hours after Maximilien's birth this little boy reminds me that it's all worth it.  I thought that if I didn't think about the experience it would just go away. And it did for a while I actually had forgotten but sitting in the doctor's office in the moment of dejavu finding out that BB was going to be a big girl all those emotions rushed back to me. But today for the first time in 2.5 years I actually feel okay about my birth experience. And I know I can type this and mean it because I am not  crying uncontrollably but instead I feel excitement for BB birth in 4 weeks time. 

I wonder in today's medical age of technology why it's so hard for us as women to get the birth that we want? There is a small part of me that wonders if I had decided to try to have Max naturally would it have gone alright? Would it have ended up in a cesarean anyways? I know women birth babies as big as Max naturally all the time. Heck, one of my readers did and I totally admire her for that! But I feel like when it was time to make the decision for Max I was slightly psyched out but all the technology and terms and medical jargon thrown at me that I was pretty much scared into choosing the cesarean. And now for BB, listening to the doctors explain to me the risks of induction with a baby so big and my uterus so stretched out and the scar and abnormally strong contractions and this and that... it makes my head spin and I just say, enough. Please, get me my baby and leave me the hell alone. 

Dozing in and out of consciousness this morning I wondered if I could change things with BB's birth. Part of me is like change doctors! get more opinions! But I like my doctor and I wouldn't change doctors for the world because I. trust. him. And then all of a sudden I feel tired. And in this moment as the fatigue washes over me, there is Max standing by my side of the bed waiting to give me my morning kiss and I am reminded that everything ends well. Here's my 2.5 year old who's in perfect health who is happy and excited about the imminent arrival of his petite soeur. And I realize that I have made my choice. And I am alright with it. 

Here we go again....

Yesterday I went to see my doctor for my monthly routine check up. I was anxious to go because I could tell that BB had grown a lot in the last month and I was worried.  Worried that I'd have to have another cesarean again. 

Well, it turns out that BB is big. Huge. Doctor measures her as of yesterday at 3.6 kilos. This is measuring her head, waist and length of her legs. She's actually measuring bigger than Maximilien. I am 33 weeks. We went back to his office and he used his computer to figure out the projections for a birth at full term which is 41 weeks and numbers were coming out to be 5.2kgs. That is 11.46lbs. Max was 4.945kgs at birth (10.9lbs). I need to carry this baby 4 more weeks. She still has a lot of developing to do. Cervix checked and it's closed and keepin' BB right where she needs to be. After talking to two doctors about this, I have resolved myself that I am going down the C-section route again. 

I am disappointed. I won't lie. I cried. I told my doctor my fears and why I didn't want the C-section again. He listened and told me that the baby isn't going to stop getting bigger between now and 4 weeks from now. She needs to stay in for another 4 weeks. In 4 weeks should could very well be bigger than Max and at that size and with my precedent cesarean scar the clinic will not induce. They will not induce because the medication they give causes stronger than normal contractions and with my previous scar from Max's birth it's too much of a risk. 

This doesn't really bother me much. I can actually understand this and agree that I don't want to take the risk of complications. What I am upset about is going through the recovery of a c-section again. I never wrote about it on my blog after Max's birth but I was pretty much a wreck after the c-section. And until today, so many things were kept from me as to why I was messed up. I got a nice phone call today from the anesthesiologist who will be administering the medication to me the day of BB's birth. Yesterday, we had a long and tearful conversation about how my first cesarean experience did not go well. I told him all the things that had happened to me right afterwards. He listened and jotted notes. He said he'd do his best that it didn't happen again. He presented me with three options for spinal block for cesarean which I had no idea existed. I chose the option that is most like an epidural where he will administer the medication to me in stages and up the dose as needed. For most cesareans you are administered one dose and usually numb from the mid chest down. With my cesarean with Max I was numb from my neck down, including my arms, which caused me to panic because I couldn't feel if I was breathing properly. To this day I am still traumatized by that feeling of dread and fear I felt. I felt like I was drowning and everyone was standing around watching me do it.  The anesthesiologist called me today to say that he pulled my file from my first birth to tell me that I was administered nearly TWO TIMES the normal dosage for a c-section! And that it made perfect sense to him why I was throwing up 24 hours after the operation, I had hives and itchiness that lasted 24 hours and that I was numb from the neck down. I wasn't able to hold Max for over an hour and half after he was born because I was a legume because of all the medication!  He said he usually administers less than the normal dosage and then adds more as he sees fit. He assured me that what I felt the first time around will not happen again.  

One of the main reasons why I had hoped for a natural birth with BB mainly because I didn't want to experience the hell I felt after Max's birth.  I wanted to be alert and able to hold my baby right away. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about how I was laying in bed completely numb and out of it looking at Max laying in the incubator next to me and all I wanted to do was hold him.

I feel confident in my OBGYN and I feel confident in this new anesthesiologist. I expressed how important it was for me to be aware of what was going on after BB's birth and both my doctors assure me that I will have this. 

So, the big day is December 1, 2009. 

Time to start working on my suitcase for the maternité....

31 weeks

31 weeks

31 weeks @ Ikea.

31 weeks. Finally. I felt like I was in the twenties for such a long time. The thirty something weeks are the home stretch. In France they calculate on a 41 weeks gestation period. Maximilien came at 38 weeks. I hope BB comes around the same time. 38 is good. Apparently I make a good home for my babies and when it was time for Max to come I wasn't anywhere near the stages of giving birth.  But this time around I am going to let nature take it's course and we'll see when BB decides to show her pretty face. I keep dreaming that she looks like Max just with a pink headband and a bow. Julien thinks she'll come out a brunette with dark eyes. I'm secretly hoping she's blond and blue eyes like her brother. 9 more weeks to go...

The state of our union

I start my maternity leave tomorrow. And I have to say that I need it. This pregnancy has been very exhausting. Even though my life circumstances are different now, I'm working full time and have a toddler to chase after, physically this pregnancy has been much harder on me. The all day sickness I suffered the first three months lasted more like five months and then while traveling to the US I developed a blood clot in my upper extremity. A lot to deal with and all the while juggling being a mama, a wife, an entrepreneur, and trying not to get lost in it all. I welcome maternity leave tomorrow. I need it. 


We had our third trimester scan on Monday and BB is scanning in as big as Max at this time. Based on the length of her leg bones and the circumference of her head she's weight in at 2.1kgs (4.6 lbs) already. I found out that I tested negative for gestational diabetes which was a huge relief since I had a sinking feeling I had it. But not because of the medication I have to take everyday until the end of the pregnancy I must go in every 10 days for blood work to monitor my platelets level. Want to know the best way to cure your fear for needles, well there you have it. One thing that I am glad for is I haven't gained much weight this pregnancy. I think I've gained 6lbs the entire pregnancy which is a record for me. It also makes me worry that something is wrong because I know my body and I just don't do this. 

Something new that has occurred lately is this unnerving sense of doom I feel all the time which turns to utter complete stress for me. I keep feeling like something is going to happen to my business while I'm not there. A fire or we'll be burgled. I keep telling my husband that we need to change the car seat in my MIL's car for Max because I don't feel like it's safe enough for him and i have these dreams that he's in a car accident and something terrible happens. I am sure these feeling of unease are due to the pregnancy and stress of running my own business but I don't know what to do to really deal with them. Therapy? Well, that's what I use my blog for...

On to more cheery subjects, Maximilien is doing great these days. We've transitioned him to a full size twin bed and he loves it. Where as in his make shift toddler bed he looked so big in the full size bed he looks so small. But he's not a baby anymore. He's talking in complete sentences in French and in English. He jumping and climbing higher than Mama would like. He's affectionate and as obedient as a two year old can be. And he's very excited about the baby in Mama's bidon. Everyday he says, bonjour to his sister and calls her by her name (yes, we've found the perfect name!!). And he pays close attention to Mama's bidon so that I won't get too many bobos on it. I medicine I must take for the blood clot is an injection that I administer to my love handles and often they leave bruises. This worries Max and he checks everyday to make sure there aren't any new bobos on Mama's bidon. 


I am preparing myself for the arrival of BB and I know that I won't believe I'm having another baby until she's here. Every night I go and check on Max before going to bed and so the same thing I've done since the day he was born. I stroke his head and tell him that I love him. Kiss his hands and cheeks and smell his baby scent. Soon, I will have two...