I'm deviating away from my photo project for a moment. I'm not feel very motivated to pick up my camera. The battery is on charge and I'll just leave it like that for now.
Since last Weds, I've been pretty uncomfortable. Getting up and walking from the bathroom to my bedroom (13 meters) I can feel my uterus contract and I hunch over walking like quaisimodo at snails pace. The most comfortable positions for me are sitting down or laying on my side with pillows propped up around me.
Listen to me. Aren't you tired of me complaining. I am tired of complaining.
I can't believe that Tuesday of next week I'll have children. I remember talking with someone at the bakery right after Max was born and talking about "mon enfant" and how it sounded so weird to say that. Just as right after Julien and I had been married and me coming to work and talking about my husband. I was 25 and and talking about my husband to my colleagues. That kinda blew my mind back then...
I'm more surprised with the new terms that I have to start using then the action of executing these terms. When I became a Wife, nothing really changed except that I had a husband to come home to and make dinner for and spend time with. But getting used to be introduced as someone's Wife made me blush. When I became an Expat, I just had to learn to live in a new country and find my little piece of home. But saying that I was an Expat took getting used to. When I became a Mother, I just followed my instincts and everything worked out fine. But saying that I was a Mother after Max was born made me feel like I should have wisdom before my years. When I became a Business Owner, I again followed my instincts and try my hardest to be as responsible as I could. But the stress of knowing that I was Business Owner is something that I am still getting used to. And now becoming Mother x 2, I assume that nothing else is going to change from the first time around. If anything, I feel more relaxed and prepared. But saying outloud to a friend on the phone today that I will have children. Made me giggle and pause because wow, I'm going to have CHILDREN.
When I first got pregnant with BB, I used to wonder if I could love BB as much as I loved Max. I love Max with every fiber of my being. I can feel it when we're laying together talking to each other, playing, eating dinner or just looking at each other. I can feel that he feels it too. But as I type this, inside my heart, I know that I will have this for BB. It's just there waiting to burst out of me like it does for Max. This is why I can't wait until she's here. Not because I am physically drained from this pregnancy. I feel like my life has been on hold for the last few months waiting for it start again. Waiting for us to become a family of 4. Waiting for me to become the Mother to my Children.
One more week to go, little girl. Your brother is anxious for your arrival. He asks when you'll be here and where you are every morning when he looks into your crib. I think he thinks that when he wakes up in the morning that you'll magically be there. When you do arrive, it will sort of seem like that for him because I will be gone for a week in the maternity when I go off to have you, BB. But I think you and your brother, Max, are going to be best friends. Yesterday, I caught him singing the theme song to Max and Ruby and instead of singing Ruby he sang your name instead. THIS is why I can't wait for your arrival. Mama is waiting for you....
Thank you for a beautifully written piece. Made me smile and be quite wistful too. The 'tiny years' are so short. Suddenly-wham-they are 23 and 21. I know that you will make the most of every year. Lucky children to have such a Mama.
Posted by: Gillian R | November 23, 2009 at 16:30
So beautiful... Good luck and congrats!
Posted by: Ginny | November 23, 2009 at 20:50
I can hear him singing it now....awwwww......
2xs the fun is almost begun!
:)
Mary Anne
Posted by: Mary Anne | November 23, 2009 at 20:56
Aimee, I have tears in my eyes as I write this...I had the same concern of would I love BB #2 as much as my first. I was so worried, I asked my mother what happens when the second one arrives, because I could not fathom loving another little being as much as I loved my Ethan. Here is what she told me (keep in mind she is an accountant): "Your love will not be divided in two, it won't be simply added. Your love will grow exponentially, beyond what a normal n^2 should be." Sounds kind of analytical, but the truth is, her words have proven true. The love I have for my now 3 boys is beyond anything I can describe. I love them all uniquely, but all equally at the same time. You will understand what that means in the near future. They all will have that special something, but you won't ever be able to pick a favorite. You love like I do...wholeheartedly. God Bless, I will pray for your safe delivery next week and can't wait for pics of BB.
Posted by: Regan Dulin | November 23, 2009 at 21:08
i love how each step in your life just is. it is amazing how we learn and grow into ourselves, right?
i remember before i had the twins that i worried so much about how it would go, how would we ever figure out how to do two? and then they were here and it was like they seamlessly entered our hearts, equally, nothing to really figure out in the love dept, just is. every other dept may still remain a challenge, but not the love. that always just is.
you are going to love having children, it is an amazing thing to watch them become, side by side, always family but oh so very different.
sending good baby birthing vibes. amiee
Posted by: mamie | November 24, 2009 at 06:11
Hurry up Tuesday!!
Posted by: antipodeesse | November 24, 2009 at 07:56
Beautiful piece. And you're right, these "titles" can feel bizarre! And I don't have nearly as many as you! Fun reflections.
Posted by: Kim B. | November 24, 2009 at 11:11