Something that is hard for me to do but very essential to be Alixe's Mama. I have to let go of my expectations of her and go at her pace. I have to let go of my control issues and just be. Letting go means that I stay up until 2 am most nights and just be with my daughter. It means that the laundry sits in the dryer an extra day or two. The dishes don't get washed and I miss a shower. Letting go means I let Maximilien come and sleep with me because he needs to feel reassurance from his Mama. Letting go means forgetting the little things your husband does that annoy you because you know what? It's just not worth getting into it.
I've been feeling better the last couple weeks because I've decided to let go of all these notions of what kind of mother I should be and instead just be me.
The assistants at the creche told me today they are so impressed with how Max has evolved lately. Potty trained quickly. He's calmed down a lot and is much more focused. I have been paying more attention to him lately and I notice he is much calmer. It really proves to me that if Mama isn't doing well then how can her children be well? The month of December was a hard one for us. I was in such a bad place. I am so glad to be out of that and moving forward.
I hold Alixe now and feel adoration for her. I say, now I feel adoration for her because just a month ago I did not. I felt resentment and anger. It was because I was holding on to too many expectations that I had set myself up for failure. Today at the mother's meeting I host, we were talking about how no one talks about how sometimes being a new mom isn't all roses and perfection. And it was refreshing to meet some Mamas who like me felt the same dark feelings I felt the first month of Alixe's life.
If I were to give advice to a new Mama I would say let go of any expectations you may have of your new baby. Just take each day, hour, minute as it comes. Forget the dishes, the laundry and putting make up on and instead just be with your baby.
I am okay with staying up until 2am. This past week I have woken up in the morning more refreshed after a few hours of sleep because I know I have nothing expected of me, especially from myself.
I'm proud of you. This is a good reminder for me, too. And I'm pretty sure the moral of this story is it's OK for me to eat another strawberry rice krispie bar. Heh.
Love you.
Posted by: La Rêveuse | February 26, 2010 at 23:40
Good on you! Non-sleeping babies are so hard! (especially after one that does, I imagine).. Take care.
Posted by: zemirah | February 27, 2010 at 03:52
Love you! ...lol, I remember telling mom after Katy was born...why do people do this...I don't like this...this just sucks...she is sweet, mom, but the rest just sucks...
yep, 3rd child...and that is how I felt.
This was the only thing about the birth vs adoption thing that was different for me...and I blame the crazy hormones...cause we all know that J&S weren't sleepers....
MA
Posted by: Mary Anne | February 27, 2010 at 05:17
Wonderful post. I wish I'd read that before I had my second child, who was (and in some ways) continues to be a worse sleeper than her older brother. The lack of sleep was crushing but I still had high expectations of myself. I really wish I'd chilled a bit more and took a step back to view the larger picture. Thanks for sharing that, Aimee.
Posted by: Kinga | February 27, 2010 at 08:06
You are so right! I mentally beat myself up so much after the birth of my daughter too. Letting go and giving in can be so enlightening. :)
Posted by: Heather | February 27, 2010 at 14:59
good, aimee. i am glad you found this place. i remember after i had the boys and plunged into such hard and dark ppd, i remember being so angry that i had twins, mad because it was not something i wanted or asked for or planned to do. it took some time, but when i finally settled into the knowing of them and that this was how it would be, always two to have and hold and, yes, juggle, well, it helped immensely. but i do wish mothers felt easier about speaking these words....we are so hard on ourselves, you know?
good for you, aimee. i think it is going to be okay now. hugs, amiee
Posted by: mamie | February 28, 2010 at 05:57
i am glad to hear that you are feeling better. the first months of gemma's life were some of the hardest and darkest days...i hope the tide is turning for you and that you start enjoying it more and more.
Posted by: rachel | February 28, 2010 at 10:45
This is a very wise message. I try to get myself to do this, but it is hard. I also find myself resenting my second child. He is difficult and extremely unpleasant to be around sometimes. It makes everything so much harder, especially with all the expectations after my easy first.
Good luck with this! I am still struggling with it.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 28, 2010 at 17:58
Good for you for letting go. It's little steps but so worth it, isn't it?
Posted by: samara | March 02, 2010 at 02:39
such a beautiful most and a wonderful motherhood-humanity's declaration, thank you for sharing this intimacy, with such poetry
have a wonderful day
Posted by: Marie Adeline | March 03, 2010 at 22:05
I like your new design! Trop mimi tes enfants!
Posted by: Rachel | March 07, 2010 at 22:32
I am living and working in NY away from my family and I work in a Korean-owned company. I came home last nite feeling very very lonely. It has been busy at work for the last few months and Ive been just working and working not getting a breath of fresh air..and had a disheartening dinner week before with my friend who equates quality of life with ivy education and money. A guy I've been seeing is in Boston but we hardly see each other now, cus i just donno how with my schedule... anyway I came home and thought of your old xanga entries and started reading them again. I just felt so relieved I wasn't the only one feeling all the things Ive been feeling (working with fellow Koreans...trying to figure out what my "career" is , living away from my parents, went through some "letdowns/disappointments", NY doesn't feel like a home yet, living in a small space, etc etc) and found encouragement in your story (even the ventings) and the comments left on them. Thank you much for writing: )
Posted by: Kim | March 09, 2010 at 13:02
Beautiful! And so true. I would have loved to find such mamas, too, when my younger was a baby. Everyone acted like they were doing such a great job while I struggled with nursing every ten minutes and co-sleeping.
Posted by: MamaShift | March 10, 2010 at 17:37
I hope you continue to feel better and do what's right for you and the babies. It's hard to remember for me now as I deal with teenagers, but each stage will pass. When you're going through it, it feels like forever.
Posted by: Paulita | March 11, 2010 at 12:42
Aimee, I'm remiss that we don't talk more often. And so sorry I'm not there for you like I should be. I still love you so much and consider you one of my closest and faaarthest friends. ;) Being a mom is pretty amazing, everything it takes you through and how it changes you. I'm so proud of you for coming to terms with your feelings and gaining perspective on your situation. It's great how you have healed so much already, and seeming so has Max.
Posted by: Julie Vieux | May 13, 2010 at 01:18