I've been thinking about what to do about this blog. I have had some sort of blog under the name of PutYourFlareOn for nearly 8 years now. EIGHT YEARS. This blog has seen me through my move to Paris, the first years of my marriage to Julien, my first job in France, my mother passing away, the birth of my first child, the opening of my own business & the birth of my second child. With each passing event in my life I found that I blogged less and less. Every time I think about stopping I feel a tinge in my heart as to say "don't do it". I get a lot of pleasure reading old entries and remembering moments long forgotten.
I intend to keep blogging. I'm just not sure in what capacity yet.
Alixe is one now. She had her birthday on December 1st. I can't even express the joy she brings to my life and how much she has made me realize how important a daughter is to a mother. Even at 12 months she teaches me things about myself that I didn't know. Through the good and bad I am grateful to have her in my life.
Part of the reason I haven't blogged much in 2010 is Alixe. The addition of the second child into our life wasn't as seamless as I thought it would be. I honestly didn't realize how difficult it would be juggling it all. Several things in my life were just put aside because it wasn't important. The first six months after Alixe was born I was in true survival mode. Surviving the waves of emotions I felt everyday, the depths of depression I felt every moment of the day while caring for a newborn and a toddler. I felt resentment, anger, sadness, grief and massive fatigue. Though I can't remember much of what went on the few months after Alixe was born I know that I wouldn't have been able to make it through unless Julien was there to help me. I reflect back to that time and it seems so long ago. The memories of that dark time are starting to fade and to be honest I am glad to let them go.
It is amazing to me still the difference between my children. First of all they look very different (which I love) and they act very different. Where Maximilien was brusing through toys, Alixe is gentle and very delicate in the way she plays. Alixe is already starting to talk when at this time Max was ready to walk. They eat differently. Alixe cries a lot more than Maximilien ever did. Max slept (and still does very well) and Alixe just doesn't sleep.
The weeks leading up to Alixe's birth I had insomnia and would stay up late reading blogs from other mother's about their experience adding a second child. Some were positive, some were negative... in the end they painted a picture for me of how things could be for me. And now looking back I should have been knitting more instead of reading those blogs.
Now that 2010 is over I feel a weight has been lifted. I feel excited for 2011 and the projects I have planned for our family and myself. This is going to be a different year for us. A new beginning. There are no new babies in our future instead lots of plans to nurture and play with our two lovely children. I have plans to expand the tea house business. I also have plans to travel this year. And finally I have plans to care for myself. I feel like I have been taking care of everyone else this past year and now its my turn to take care of myself.
Let's not forget about this guy. My little guy. Carrying him home last night at 4 am, he felt so big. I smelled his neck as he nuzzled in close to me. He smelled of baby lotion the same that I used when he was baby. Max will be 4 years old in March. FOUR. I look at this photo and still see his baby eyes looking at me. Maximilien is in the midst of new beginnings as well. He started school in the fall of 2010. He's testing his boundaries and learning patience around his little sister. He has never once shown any jealousy towards her and this is a true testament to his loving and joyous nature.
Here's to 2011, a year of new beginnings... I hope the new year brings much happiness to you.
It was lovely to get to know you this past year. I hope 2011 is the year I make it back to Paris. 2010 was full of obstacles in that regard. So many close calls but no dice! May 2011 be a healthy, loving, kind, nurturing, formative and adventurous year for us both. Happy New Year!
Posted by: Ninotchka | January 01, 2011 at 18:05
Oh, what a lovely post, Aimee... And how wonderful that you have kept up your blogging and writing, recording, creating after all these years; it really is a testament to your creativity and inspiration. I admire you for so many reasons, and I know I have the challenge of adding a 2nd child to our family ahead -- I'm frightened out of my mind, I don't at ALL feel ready, but I'm praying that things will gradually fall into place. And I don't even have my own business to think about, like you! On the other hand, I have to think about myself, too, and what the future holds for me and my own fulfillment, because as much as I love being a mommy, I know I am defined by many other things, too.
Keep it up; as always, your thoughts, feelings, and the photos that accompany them are just gorgeous. Thanks for sharing here... I wish I was so committed!
Posted by: Alice | January 01, 2011 at 18:09
I'm with you, Aimee. I feel 2011 is going to be a good year to embrace change and make myself stronger and healthier, too. I'm so proud of you and my grandkids. ~Ah-ppa
Posted by: SuBon | January 01, 2011 at 18:53
I came to your blog six or seven years ago as part of my fascination with all things Paris, discovering your small circle of ex-pats with linked knitting blogs -- I kept visiting because your observations of life, both in your writing and in your gorgeous photographs, are so astute and thoughtful. Also, I suppose, because I was anticipating my own role as a grandmother (taken up for real two years ago with the birth of my granddaughter, Nola) and thus compelled to follow the growth of your family, your own development as a mother. Then having the opportunity to visit your charming teashop and experience your warm welcome -- needless to say, then, I'm well hooked and will look forward to any on-line presence you care to share with us. All the Best to 2011, and honouring your own priorities!
Posted by: materfamilias | January 01, 2011 at 19:42
I could not agree with you more about the second child! It was a big change for us and I remember Louise's first year being the most challenging year of my life. When we added Alice, it almost seemed like a piece of cake (almost, because it hasn't been completely easy!)
You are a strong person who has endured so much over the short time we've known each other and I know your difficult times will only help you to strengthen your future. Here's to 2011!!!!
Posted by: andie | January 01, 2011 at 20:24
One of the things I love most about you is your honesty. I think it takes a strong woman to admit that motherhood isn't always such a picnic, and even when you love your kids, there are times when you wonder how much more you can take. But I know this for sure: you are a wonderful mom, and your kids will appreciate you all their lives (even when they are screaming that they hate you because you won't buy them those expensive jeans or when they have a curfew). Happy New Year and I hope we can see more of each other this year!
Posted by: The Bold Soul | January 01, 2011 at 22:51
Bonne année!
Posted by: Andi Fisher | January 02, 2011 at 00:59
Thank you for sharing your amazing story with us, Aimee. I have been following your blog for many years. I don't know whether it's because our children are 1 month apart in age (I have 2 girls), or that they also are of Korean-descent, or that I find your life as an entrepreneur inspiring (I too am a small business owner in the US), but I enjoy checking back from time to time to see how you continue on your path -- doing what you are passionate about and raising some very beautiful tots along the way.
Posted by: sora | January 03, 2011 at 22:37
what an honest post! by all means keep writing. your voice is lovely, and your children even lovelier.
Posted by: Jill | January 04, 2011 at 12:23
Thank you. Thank you VERY MUCH for all these words in your blog. Your experience and the way you describe it just made me cry, because it seems that it is me you are describing. I'm also a mom of two, a little guy and a baby girl. And I'm, as you are, a foreign, married to a French guy, named Julien. And while reading your amazing blog I realize that I am not the only one trying to struggle and trying to do always the best, for my children, my husband and myself and it is not easy, not at all! I see that all the feelings combined since my beautiful baby girl was borned are just too overwhelming to handle and even if everything is doing perfectly well, I feel depressed and tired (well as you say, take care of a little guy and a baby is not an easy task). How did you do to get/to feel better? Any secrets to share? Great blog again! Please keep writting. By the way, happy new year!
Posted by: Ivett | January 04, 2011 at 22:31
Great post, so lovely to hear it from you. Mateo is going to be a big brother next July! I am very scared about managing two, especially managing the little guy while just trying to survive those early sleepless nights. We will see. Your family is truly beautiful!
Posted by: Lee Ann | January 08, 2011 at 22:25
I am just coming back to read your old posts after a long time away. I feel as if I've known you for years. Yes, I was there! It's wonderful that you have two children now. Did you know that postpartum depression is much more common with a second child? I personally know of two women who committed suicide within six months of their second child, and a third who was committed to a mental hospital (temporarily, luckily; but it broke up her marriage). Other people often don't realize how serious it can be. I'm so glad things are going better now. Isn't it fun to see their personalities emerge, and see how different siblings can be?
Supposedly the Icelanders have a saying "One is like none-- two is like ten." Now you know what that's all about!
Posted by: Sedulia | February 28, 2011 at 23:14