Yesterday marks six years since my mother died. Typing the last three words is still so very hard. I hesitate every time but in the end I type it because it is what happened and I can't say it any other way.
Two years ago at this time I was preparing for the arrival of Alixe. With the passing of my mother I have learned one very important lesson: You have only one life. That means don't waste the time you have. I know with ever fiber of my being that my mother would be so proud of me right now because I haven't wasted time in the past six years. I had Maximilien, I opened L'OisiveThé, I had Alixe and now I consciously live my life with the thought that I only have this one life and I don't hesitate to make the big decisions. I would give up in a heart beat ...this confidence in my descision making to have my mother back but life is not like this and I can't live in a fantasy world. It's hard to think like this because I miss her so much. The pain in my heart is *still* there but now it's an expected emotion, my constant reminder to live my life. Move forward. Kiss my children and husband and tell them everyday how important they are to me. It reminds me to get out of bed and get moving because this is my life and I have to live.
The last time I saw my mother was in 2003 just after Julien and I had gotten married the second time. Such a long time ago but still so very fresh in my mind. I remember holding my mother's hand in the airport before saying goodbye. She took a photo of us before going through the gate to our plane. I snapped one back of my parents waving good bye to us through the glass plate window at MCI. This moment forzen in time in a photo was the very last time I saw her... she was happy and waving to us like she always used to do when we'd leave for school.
Now I wave the exact same way every morning from our kitchen window as Julien, Maximilien and Alixe leave to start their day. I don't think I can ever put to words how this loss has come to shape me. I still don't understand how to deal with it sometimes. I've come to the realization that I may never fully understand or accept. My children are the best remedy when it comes to my grief. I understand what the five of us brought to our parent's lives. When I don't know how to deal I find my children and hug them.
I live a life with loss. I won't kid you and say it's totally doable. I sometimes find myself in a panic of grief in public because this epic feeling overcomes me. Yesterday while having lunch with Julien we both saw a woman sitting across the way and she could have been Omma today. She was dressed like my mom and the way she sat and ate with her hair styled around her face reminded both of us of her. Entranced and engulfed by my grief, I let the feeling wash over me. It is still so very hard and I have taught myself that it will be hard for the rest of my life.
It's been 18 years since my mom died very suddenly. The grief does lessen. But yes, there's always a sadness.
Your mom would definitely be proud of you and all you've accomplished!
Posted by: Alison | November 13, 2011 at 17:46
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your insights on life and grief are gorgeous. Knowing what I know of you & the lovely life you live, I guarantee she'd be brimming with pride. Thank you for sharing, Aimee. Lots of love to you!
Posted by: Ninotchka | November 13, 2011 at 19:30
It has been 14 years for me. I feel the same way you do..I believe it is a loss we always have in our heart. Some days it grabs me, and other days I find that I smile because something reminds me of her. I find I see her in my mirror all the time. At first, I was like, oh no, I have become my mother; now I embrace it and smile. I feel her in me, and I know that she lives on in me.....she is with me forever.... I know you are continuing on your journey and she would be proud....Sending you a hug....
Posted by: Beverly | November 13, 2011 at 21:47
Oh honey. Yep. I know. 13 years for me. The pain does lessen, really. It'll never be gone, but you're right, you've learned from it. I kind of love those sightings--I feel like they're little visits. Reminders, waves. Your mom is a special lady, and she sure raised a special daughter. Can't wait to see you. Xoxoxo
Posted by: Ronica Brownson | November 14, 2011 at 04:48
Thank you for putting into words what so many feel, Aimee. You have bags of courage and bravery and your words are so inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time. Hugs to you.
Posted by: Lizzie | November 14, 2011 at 14:45
You keep her spirit alive, and what more could a mother possibly hope for? She was lucky to have you, and to have meant as much to you as she did. I can only hope my children will some day carry their memories of me as gently in their hearts..
Posted by: jadie | November 16, 2011 at 06:53
Big hugs, Aimee.
Posted by: Stella | November 17, 2011 at 15:39
xxx
Posted by: jeannette | November 18, 2011 at 05:24
It feels good to me when I feel grief - I don't know why, but it's my relationship with my Mom now... to miss her? I bet that sounds crazy. I'm glad you saw that lady who gave you such a tactile reminder of who your Mom was.
I'm proud to know you and see what's happened in your life in the 5 (!) years since we 'met'.
Posted by: Jocelyn | November 28, 2011 at 20:29
Thank you for sharing and being real so that I can do the same..
Posted by: elainsf | November 30, 2011 at 00:00