PutYourFlareOn

30 of 30 - The Belly

 

Well, there you have it! The Belly. I just measured it and it's at 49 inches. Two weeks before delivering Maximilien I was at 49 inches. So, perhaps BB will be a bit smaller than Max but still she's going to be a BIG girl. I'm packed and ready to go. I'm just sitting here busying myself until Julien and Max get home from the Creche. I'm going to spend a couple hours with Max and then have to go check into the maternité. I'm scheduled for a 7:45am operation. BB will be here before 8am Paris time Tuesday morning! 

The little elephant in the photo is Max's bébé elephant that he's been carrying around with for over a week now. We found him a big and little elephant that he's been calling Mommy elephant and bébé elephant. Lately, he has been into comparing everything as petit or gros. Especially Mommy's bidon (belly) and Max's bidon which is very svelthe and petit, he makes sure to point out to me every day. 

Max is about to become a Grand Frere to his Petite Soeur. Let the baby adventure begin....

29 of 30 - Perspective

 

Here I am taking a break while my belly digests a belated Thanksgiving meal. I'm grateful for all the friends I have made here in Paris. They have become my family away from home. Friends that share a lot of the same values as I do and people that I just have a lot of fun with! We joked about how this meal would be my "last supper" before BB's arrival. Technically I can eat lunch before I enter into the hospital but after the dinner I had tonight I highly doubt I will be hungry tomorrow at lunch time. In less than 24 hours I will be admitted into the hospital and will have to spend the night before being prepped for my AM operation. I can't believe we're almost there...

    

If you asked Maximilien where his "petite soeur" is? He will respond, "Mommy's ventre". I then I ask him who is "grand frere" and he points to himself and says very proudly, "moi!". I can't believe that my first born baby is going to be a grand frere very, very soon. He still lets me hold him like a baby and he still nuzzles my neck in search of butterfly kisses and calin from Mommy. Two more days until our little girl will be here. Last night I was up until 3am baking pumpkin pies and up at 8am this morning ready to go. Sleep is the last thing on my mind thought I know I should get some rest before the big day but I am too excited to sleep. I was playing the Mamarazzi tonight at the party taking photos of everyone. I felt like a million bucks. The adrenaline was flowing and I can still feel it now. So, I guess I'll put it to good use and go do a few loads of laundry before bed tonight. 

 Two more days!!

23 of 30 - One more week....

I'm deviating away from my photo project for a moment. I'm not feel very motivated to pick up my camera. The battery is on charge and I'll just leave it like that for now. 

Since last Weds, I've been pretty uncomfortable. Getting up and walking from the bathroom to my bedroom (13 meters) I can feel my uterus contract and I hunch over walking like quaisimodo at snails pace. The most comfortable positions for me are sitting down or laying on my side with pillows propped up around me. 

Listen to me. Aren't you tired of me complaining. I am tired of complaining. 

I can't believe that Tuesday of next week I'll have children. I remember talking with someone at the bakery right after Max was born and talking about "mon enfant" and how it sounded so weird to say that. Just as right after Julien and I had been married and me coming to work and talking about my husband. I was 25 and and talking about my husband to my colleagues. That kinda blew my mind back then...

I'm more surprised with the new terms that I have to start using then the action of executing these terms. When I became a Wife, nothing really changed except that I had a husband to come home to and make dinner for and spend time with. But getting used to be introduced as someone's Wife made me blush. When I became an Expat, I just had to learn to live in a new country and find my little piece of home. But saying that I was an Expat took getting used to.  When I became a Mother, I just followed my instincts and everything worked out fine. But saying that I was a Mother after Max was born made me feel like I should have wisdom before my years. When I became a Business Owner, I again followed my instincts and try my hardest to be as responsible as I could. But the stress of knowing that I was Business Owner is something that I am still getting used to.  And now becoming Mother x 2, I assume that nothing else is going to change from the first time around. If anything, I feel more relaxed and prepared. But saying outloud to a friend on the phone today that I will have children. Made me giggle and pause because wow, I'm going to have CHILDREN. 

When I first got pregnant with BB, I used to wonder if I could love BB as much as I loved Max. I love Max with every fiber of my being. I can feel it when we're laying together talking to each other, playing, eating dinner or just looking at each other. I can feel that he feels it too. But as I type this, inside my heart, I know that I will have this for BB. It's just there waiting to burst out of me like it does for Max. This is why I can't wait until she's here. Not because I am physically drained from this pregnancy. I feel like my life has been on hold for the last few months waiting for it start again. Waiting for us to become a family of 4. Waiting for me to become the Mother to my Children. 

One more week to go, little girl. Your brother is anxious for your arrival. He asks when you'll be here and where you are every morning when he looks into your crib. I think he thinks that when he wakes up in the morning that you'll magically be there.  When you do arrive, it will sort of seem like that for him because I will be gone for a week in the maternity when I go off to have you, BB. But I think you and your brother, Max, are going to be best friends. Yesterday, I caught him singing the theme song to Max and Ruby and instead of singing Ruby he sang your name instead. THIS is why I can't wait for your arrival. Mama is waiting for you....

20 of 30 days - My little helper

 

I can foresee that Max is going to be my big helper once BB arrives. Nearly every night for the last two weeks I've been baking in the last week or so he's shown interest in helping Mommy out. He pulls over his green Stokke chair and climbs up it like a ladder and asks what he can do "aide Mommy". His official job is to raise and lower the bowl to my mixer and he holds to it for dear life as it mixes and he alerts me when he thinks its done. I keep having these moments where I catch myself staring at Max and can't believe my eyes at how big he seems. His legs are so long. His face is looking less like a baby. How big his hands are. He articulates himself so well using new words everyday. It's impossible to grasp at all these moments but I'm trying my to do my best to get some of the good ones in photos in words.

18 of 30 - Comfort things

I refreshed Lady Eleanor yesterday. This is a shawl/scarf I knit a few years ago right after my mom passed away. It was a large knitting project that helped to get my mind off things. At the time I was unemployed and just needed to be. Every year, I reblock her so she's nice and fresh for the fall/winter season. She brings me a lot of comfort when I wear her. There is a lovely feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment that comes with wearing your own handmade designs. This is something I learned from my mom from an early age. She always wore her own scarves she made and in turn I loved wearing them too. For now, I have her scarves and handknit treasures packed away safely in an air tight container. Saving them for the day that I can share them with my kids, mostly BB because they are very girly. I hope that BB will love them as much as I do. 

14 of 30 - Change

There's going to be so much change coming into this little boy's life very soon. We're preparing as much as we can but as much as we wish we could plan it all out, I think we'll just have to take each day at a time. As we approach BB's birthday, Maximilien continues to grow and change everyday. He's such a chatter box. Speaking up phrases in French and English. Mixing the two languages to the delight of both of his parents. 

This morning we went and got Max his haircut at the salon across the street from the tea house.  This is Stephane, my coiffieur extraordinaire, cutting my big boy's hair. It's funny how after each haircut Max seems so grown up yet I still see my little baby in his face. I know that when BB arrives there will be a moment when it hits me that Max really is a big boy. But I still have a few weeks to hang on to these special moments together. Just us. Me and my first born baby.

11 & 12 of 30 days - The 50mm is still on the kitchen counter.

Well, I got caught up in life and my camera was left at home. These days I can't carry much around with me because I'm carrying a 4kg+ baby in my belly. I've been caught up getting the tea house and my staff up to speed before I go off line and have my baby and will be absent for a week. It's still three weeks away but I gotta start now because that's just how I roll. 

We had a huge turn out for knitting last night at the tea house. It was very exciting to see so many knitters in one place. My little tea house was busting at it's seams we barely had enough chairs for everyone. I went and helped out with the dishes and watched everyone knitting around me and it warmed my heart. I watched my dream happening right before my eyes. I silently thanked Omma for her help because I know without her watching over me I wouldn't have been able to do it alone. 

With each turn in my life, I find myself looking up at the sky and thanking my mother for her guidance. I can't explain why I know she's right here with me I just know it. I feel it. I used to write that I would prefer that she be here physically. I think it's something that doesn't need to be said. Anyone who has lost a loved one would prefer that but this feeling of knowing that she is here with me spiritually is a powerful one. And it has helped me get through many difficult times in my life. 

I remember when I was in the operating room having Max and that feeling of panic and dread came over me.  I was panicking and speaking in English and no one in the operation room could understand me. I swear there was a moment when I heard my mother's voice saying to me in Korean that it was okay. over and over again. And right at that moment my doctor leaned over the partition and said to me in French, that it was ok and showed me my pink, chubby baby. Panic and dread faded away and I drifted off into unconsciousness. 

Last night I couldn't sleep. I would close my eyes and have these mini dramas in my mind and be forced to wake up. Talking with my brother today he told me that last night he had slept terribly as well. It was 4 years ago today that my mother passed away. I hadn't been keeping track of the day but somehow my subconscious was. It is inevitable that I think about my mother at this time in my life. I'm about to give birth to my second child and taking that trip of becoming a mother to a newborn again. I think as mothers we inevitable think about our own moms. I remind myself that life is cyclical and that this is all part of my cycle of life. As hard as it is I have to keep on going. I feel her hand on my back guiding me along the way and I know it's going to be okay. 

5 of 30 - Everyday Julien

You guys remember this guy, right? Here we are at Ikea. I think we've been to this place 4 times in one month. We're bad at making lists and always find that we need something else once we get home. There are several Ikeas that are not that far from our house so we can go pretty easily but it's not always easy for Julien and I to go together because Ikea stresses us out. I think it's the fact there's just too much stuff offered and we get overloaded. We used to fight all the time when we'd go but recently we've both decided it's not worth it and we go, get in and get out. And eat donuts and smoothies while we're there because they are mighty tasty. 

But looking at my husband in this photo fills my heart with love because this is my everyday husband. Not the one who gets up and shaves and puts on a suit to look like all the other business types in Paris. Sure, he looks hot when he does that but this is the Julien I prefer. Unshaven. Rough around the edges. My everyday man. 

I am hard on him and I know I haven't been a walk in the park this pregnancy because I haven't felt all that good but I look forward to moving forward once the baby is here and being a better wife. 

4 of 30 - The Fall before the baby

34 weeks in the only pair of shoes that fit me now. 

Walking home from the La Poste a lone tree in the Parc de Choisy caught my attention. It reminded me of home and how the trees between Olathe and Lawrence would turn yellow, red and orange and make the hillsides look like they were on fire from a distance. 

This is the last fall season before I have two children. I am still trying to get my head around that. We'll go from a family of three to a family of four. And this time next year, BB will be crawling and Max for sure will be jumping his way through the leaves on his way to school. 

The state of our union

I start my maternity leave tomorrow. And I have to say that I need it. This pregnancy has been very exhausting. Even though my life circumstances are different now, I'm working full time and have a toddler to chase after, physically this pregnancy has been much harder on me. The all day sickness I suffered the first three months lasted more like five months and then while traveling to the US I developed a blood clot in my upper extremity. A lot to deal with and all the while juggling being a mama, a wife, an entrepreneur, and trying not to get lost in it all. I welcome maternity leave tomorrow. I need it. 

We had our third trimester scan on Monday and BB is scanning in as big as Max at this time. Based on the length of her leg bones and the circumference of her head she's weight in at 2.1kgs (4.6 lbs) already. I found out that I tested negative for gestational diabetes which was a huge relief since I had a sinking feeling I had it. But not because of the medication I have to take everyday until the end of the pregnancy I must go in every 10 days for blood work to monitor my platelets level. Want to know the best way to cure your fear for needles, well there you have it. One thing that I am glad for is I haven't gained much weight this pregnancy. I think I've gained 6lbs the entire pregnancy which is a record for me. It also makes me worry that something is wrong because I know my body and I just don't do this. 

Something new that has occurred lately is this unnerving sense of doom I feel all the time which turns to utter complete stress for me. I keep feeling like something is going to happen to my business while I'm not there. A fire or we'll be burgled. I keep telling my husband that we need to change the car seat in my MIL's car for Max because I don't feel like it's safe enough for him and i have these dreams that he's in a car accident and something terrible happens. I am sure these feeling of unease are due to the pregnancy and stress of running my own business but I don't know what to do to really deal with them. Therapy? Well, that's what I use my blog for...

On to more cheery subjects, Maximilien is doing great these days. We've transitioned him to a full size twin bed and he loves it. Where as in his make shift toddler bed he looked so big in the full size bed he looks so small. But he's not a baby anymore. He's talking in complete sentences in French and in English. He jumping and climbing higher than Mama would like. He's affectionate and as obedient as a two year old can be. And he's very excited about the baby in Mama's bidon. Everyday he says, bonjour to his sister and calls her by her name (yes, we've found the perfect name!!). And he pays close attention to Mama's bidon so that I won't get too many bobos on it. I medicine I must take for the blood clot is an injection that I administer to my love handles and often they leave bruises. This worries Max and he checks everyday to make sure there aren't any new bobos on Mama's bidon. 

I am preparing myself for the arrival of BB and I know that I won't believe I'm having another baby until she's here. Every night I go and check on Max before going to bed and so the same thing I've done since the day he was born. I stroke his head and tell him that I love him. Kiss his hands and cheeks and smell his baby scent. Soon, I will have two...

Perfectly imperfect

Such is life. We all know it. Sometimes hard to admit and sometimes hard to live. I've been inspired by some of my favorite blogs to embrace the imperfection in my life. Yes, I don't make my bed. I put dirty dishes in the sink and leave them there for a couple days.

   

 As I type this entry there is a pile of laundry that's been on the kitchen table for a day or so and I keep neglecting to fold it because I'd rather do things like blog. Gasp. :) And you know what else? My husband and I fight. We're not perfect and us fighting shows me that we aren't. And I think I can admit out-loud that I am okay with that. But vow to make us better by working on my little imperfections. 

Pregnancy productivity

or I should say creativity. 

Something about being pregnant and working on a knit project just is a perfect match. The process of making something that I will wrap my baby in when she's born brings enormous comfort to me. I hope this blanket will do the same for her.  

I recently learned how to crochet. And I mean in the most basic form that I can make a chain and then do one technique over and over again. Thanks to a sweet gal who attends TricoThé every week she has taught me her wisdom of crochet and I have started this baby blanket for BB.

It's very similar to the granny squares that most of us know. I mean I'm sure each of our grandmothers had some version of a blanket like this draped over their couch. I decided to use some lovely Rowan hand knit cotton in an array of bright colors. Something soft and colorful for this our baby who will be born in the middle of winter. I've been averaging about two hexagons an evening before bed and hopefully over summer break I will make some progress on the blanket.

Anyone looking for an easy patch work style blanket to do I highly recommend making a crochet blanket. It's an easy project to keep as an ongoing project while working on other things as well, like baby sweaters.

My daily pick me up

Before I became a mother, I wondered if being a mother would be for me? I really didn't question myself much after Maximilien was born due to the sheer joy I felt every time I held my baby.  I was a mama and being a mama was for me.  And even now when he's 20 months old, I still feel the joy picking up my son or seeing him play, run and say his first words.  And I know that this feeling will last well until my son is grown... even when he doesn't want mama's kisses anymore or I can't hold him because he will outweigh me.

I carried Maximilien home last night from dinner and I realized that I don't do that much anymore because he's walking everywhere now. I reminded myself to take advantage of the fact that I can still carry him now and that I should do it more often. Last night we read books before bed and snuggled and then Max says to me "kiss Mama, kiss Mama" and push his squishy cheek to my face. With his little baby hands, he pulled my face close again and again for more and more kisses.  I could feel the love exploding from my heart and washing over us in fits of giggles.  Moments like this is what it's all about...

Julien took this video of Max last weekend riding the line 14 on his way to his grandmother's house. I just wanted to share with you a bit of the joy of Maximilien. His wonderment is genuine. His smiles melt the heart. His words amaze me, though hard to understand right now. This is our life right now. And I'm so grateful for it.

Maximilien prend le métro from jagerog on Vimeo.

Chooni, our family cat...

passed away yesterday. She was an old girl. 14 years old (maybe 15 we're still discussing when she was actually born) and quite possibly the best cat anyone could have asked for. Her passing is hard for me because it makes me think of my mom. She always reminds me of the many chat sessions we'd have and she'd tell me that Chooni was her lap and then she'd jump on the keyboard. Omma always said Chooni knew when she was talking to me. She was my mom's lap cat. My brother's girlfriend. My sister's roommate. A constant companion to each of us. Boozie. Snoozie. Chooni baby. We each had our nicknames for her. I just didn't think she's go this early.  A little selfish of me to hope that we'd get a few more years with her.

Last night, I layed down with Max and cuddled with him as he fell asleep. Thinking about Chooni and remembering when she was a kitten how she'd come into my room at night and slink across the room and with her kitty stelth-ness she jump into my bed and inch her way across to me. As a young kitty, she liked to sleep nestled by my head and some how later in the night I'd wake up up to her sleeping next to me a bundle of purring softness.  Even the last time I saw her, I had Maxmilien in tow. He was an exploring 9 month old often mesmerized by chooni. He'd coo at her and she'd keep her distance observing this little human who she did not recognize. Only at night when Max was sleeping would she come to sleep with me. She'd smell Max and come and find her spot on the other side of Max. Finally the last night we spent at my sister's apt did she come and cuddle next to Max. It was her way of saying to me that she'd accept this little human.

 

I am feeling melancholy today. I will miss her. But I feel a bit of comfort knowing that Omma has her lap cat again.

Everyday Max

Breakfast with Maximilien:

Everyday Maximilien from PutYourFlareOn on Vimeo.

Helping Hal-ah-boji blow out his birthday candles

Happy Birthday to you, Ah-ppa from Maximilien, Julien and I. We miss you!

Daily Linkage Love

I updated my Daily Link portion of my blog. I should call it something else instead of Daily link. I don't change it on a basis anymore. Anyway... on to the links: The first one is to an online friend named Cindy Pon. I have been reading her blog for as long as I can remember blogs being around. She is going to be a publish author and she deserves it. I can not wait to get her books and put them on my shelves at the tea house.  Check out her blog and her paint and prose blog as well. She's a beautifully talented Chinese brush artist as well.

Next is a design blog that I have been drawing a lot of inspiration from. It's called Decor8. As I am in the midst of redecorating the tea house with a huge overhaul happening in August, I am looking fresh new ideas and only have time to do it between customers and using only the Internet.

Finally, I wanted to show you a photographer that has captivated me for the last few months with her portraits with her children. She goes by InkyBlack on Flickr. I am going to be starting a new photography project soon and now you know where I found my inspiration for this project.

What links have you guys been into lately? Do share...

And there are hard days...

I dropped Max off at Tata's. He was quietly sitting in his stroller as we approached her door.  The hallway dark as I hadn't tripped the minuterie to light the way.  I stood for a second before turning on the light but then Tata opened the door and was waiting for us.  She greeted us with a warm smile and reached out to get Max out of the stroller. She glanced at me and her face changed. I guess I wasn't hiding my feelings very well. I was wearing my emotions like a huge billboard across my forehead. 

Just a few minutes before arriving to Tata's, Max and I strolled through the park by her apt and I saw a group of older women practicing Tai Chi.  The build of these women, the way they held their hands and the way they fixed their hair reminded me so much of my mother. One woman in particular was intrigued by my presence and she studied my face. A smiled appeared and she waved. I smiled back shyly and I felt the tears stinging my eyes. Any one of those women could have been my mother. I wished that she was one of them.

Tata motioned for me to come in and I went and sat down on the her couch as she filled me in on the day's activities. Max was going to be Tata's only charge for the day as the other two children were on vacation.  I hugged Max to begin the goodbye process and he grasped tightly to my coat.  Tata watched but mostly looking at me, studying my face.  I felt the tears rising. I quickly stood up and I said "bye bye" to Max and he waved and said, "Ba, ba, Ma Ma". Before I ever realized it I was crying. I rushed for the door because I did not want Tata to see me upset.  When I am missing my mother and someone asks me what's wrong, I can not lie and say it's something else. I tell them that my mother died and I miss her. But responses like this make people uncomfortable so I try to avoid them if I can.  She stood in the doorway, shielding Max with her shoulder. I stood in the dark hallway pressing the elevator button as sheets of tears streamed down my face.  As I turned to bid them goodbye,  Tata quickly mentioned that Max shouldn't see me upset because that would only upset him. But I looked back at Max with tears in my eyes and he smiled and reached out for me. Giving me a sympathetic smile. One I've seen so many times when I am sad and missing my mom.  I said, "bye bye" and let the elevator door close.

Should I let Max see me upset? Of course, he should see me upset.  If anything, Max has seen the entire array of emotions that I own.  I don't cry everyday but I do cry most days. I miss my mom and I tell Max that everyday. We look at her photo and I talk about her to him. He clutches the photo and gives it kisses. I honestly believe he  understands. 

In the afternoon, I went to pick up Max and he was so excited to see me. He held his arms out to me, letting me falls into them as I inhaled his sweet baby scent.  The melancholia of today just seemed to melt away in that moment.  Walking home in the rain as my Converse sloshed and my wool coat hung heavy on my shoulders, I felt better. I imagined my mom if I had the chance to tell her about the cafe and I could see her reaction. Her clap and little jump that she'd do when she was excited about something. And before I knew it I was imitating her. I was standing in front of Max in the stroller clapping and jumping and Max broke into a series of baby giggles and clapped himself. 

I will never hide my feelings from Max. Omma never hid hers from me and that is one of the strongest memories I keep of her.

6 years

There is so much going on in our lives right now. Funny how good things all come at once. What's the expression? I can't remember.

Today is our 6 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it's been 6 years already.  Our relationship is anything but static. Time speeds ahead making its presence noticeable at each birthday and milestone. But as time passes there is one constant in my life, my husband Julien.  From the day we met it felt we had known each other forever. My hand fit within his. His arms fit around my shoulders. We each have a place in one another's neck where the sweetness is our own.  As we embark on new adventures, I am glad to have him by my side. He is my partner in crime, my lover, my friend, my confidant. Here is to 6 years, my love...

This morning as I laid groggy in bed with Max crawling around me.  Julien leaned down to kiss me goodbye and told me to be dressed when he got home. i.e. not in a tracksuit my usual mama uniform.  I'm lucky if I get a shower during the day, such is my life now. He knew this and yet he asked me several times if I had anything planned and reminded me twice to be dressed when he got home. He left early this morning to come home early tonight. Something is up? Oh yes...

I guess I better shave my legs, huh?

30 Days :: 30

Today has been a rather long and surreal day. I had resolved myself to think one thing and at the end of the day it changed after finding out some news that will change our lives drastically. In a good way, of course. 

We celebrated. Just Julien and I. Max slept. We ate a homemade dinner and watched tv. Put raspberries in our champagne and looked at each other feeling the same thing. Relief.

This is the end of my 30 day photography project and it's quiet coincidental that on the last day of this project we got the news we've been waiting for.

I bet you're wondering what the heck is going on?

I'm feeling a bit tipsy after having one too many glasses of champagne to write the entire story here, right now. So on that note, I leave you but with a promise of a good story tomorrow.

I feel love, I feel life.

"Oh my love for the first time in my life,
My eyes are wide open..."

Walking today, enjoying the a beautiful, crisp fall day with my son I am overwhelmed with love for him as he turns his head as far as he can to look up at me from the Maclaren. He flashes me a half gummy, two toothed smile.  He reaches up to me. I grasp his hand. He laughs. My senses are flooded with so much love. 

I come home to find the power is back on in my apartment. It's been out all day. And I find an email from my husband timed just as the power was due to come on telling me that he loved me.

And I happened to open iTunes and randomly John Lennon's Oh My Love plays. Such a perfect song to explain what I feel. How beautifully Lennon phrases how simply life can be so full with just love.

Incomplete

I jerk myself out of bed tonight to write down the words that are pouring from my brain. The are pulling me back to a place that I have chosen to forget about for a while now. I'm too happy being a mother to let myself live these sad feelings. But sometimes it's just stronger than I can withstand. The sad emotions come flooding out of me. Mostly at night when I lay down to go to sleep.

Words over come my brain as I try to sleep. Things I wish I could have said to her. Letters I should have written when I had then chance. 

I find old birthday cards with her delicate handwriting on them and I find myself 8 years old again watching her write notes to remind herself of new words she had learned.

After my mother died, I went through her desk just looking at her things. It was her new desk at the new house. A new desk with a new mac computer.  I never knew her there. I only remember the old desk at the old house. The old desk that had her old IBM laptop on it. The old desk that kept her bobbles and such. Her address books and pencils and note cards. I went through her new desk at the new house just hoping to find something she had perhaps written to me. Maybe a letter or a note. Just something telling me something I didn't know. I hoped to find the letter that would tell me everything I would ever need to know. But of course, this would never happen as my mother didn't know she was going to die. Letters like these are only written when you know...

Before Max was born I often questioned myself why I even kept this blog anymore. It started out as something fun to pass the time. A journal of silly thoughts I had about living in France. But as the years have gone by (I have been at this for over 4 years now) I have found my blog to be a way for me to record my life.  There are so many little things I have forgotten. And now I hope that someday Maximilien and perhaps my other children will have a place to read my thoughts and dreams. And they won't be left wondering if I had left them the letter somewhere in my messy desk drawer.

I feel torn between two worlds right now. My present life and the life that stopped violently the day my mother died. Part of me feels like this is a vicious dream that will never end. I dig through the sheets trying to claw my way to the surface only to find that I am still asleep and unable to awaken myself. The other part of me is living the happy life that I am destine to live. Mother, Wife, Friend, Daughter, Sister. I am these things. But underneath I am sad. Very sad. And incomplete.

Generations

Free Hugs

January 27, 2007 - Julien and I gave him a hug and he let us take his photo., originally uploaded by PutYourFlareOn.

While taking a stroll near Hotel de Ville, this guy caught my attention. Actually, I spotted him from a distance taking this   lovely photo of the Hotel de Ville basking in the setting sun. We headed over to see what was going on. In the middle of the capharnaüm going on in front of the Hotel de Ville we see this guy peddling free hugs .  Most people pass him by without glancing at him. A few look confused asking, "Mais qu'est-ce que c'est un HUG??" and a couple   bystanders give in and go and get their free hug.  As did Julien and I... we were his first 2 1/2 person hug.  When asked why he was doing this he just said "Comme ca...J'aime bien donner des câlins"

I responded, Ca tombe bien, moi aussi... :)

Check out this video on Free Hugs. And an interview with the guy who started the Free Hug Movement.

Everyday Life: 22 weeks

22 weeks, originally uploaded by PutYourFlareOn.

 

When Dad sends a care package!

When Ah-ppa sends a care package!
Originally uploaded by PutYourFlareOn.

He's mapped out where all my siblings and I are and used our nicknames that I thought were a secret to only us kids. He even knows that we call him "Ahpps".   Oh, the things your parents know... :)

How an obsession begins...

A friend's recent entry sparked an old memory to surface and the significance of this memory is just so comical I couldn't believe I had filed it away.  In junior high, we moved in with my grandmother as our new house was being built.  We took few of our belongings with us as we wouldn't have been able to bring a family of seven's objects to my GaGa's immaculate house.  We lived like that for nearly 6 months, I took the bus to school with the kids int he neighborhood that I did not know. I remember trying to act cool. One day, after school GaGa  tells me to get in the car because we're going to run errands.  I always liked going place with GaGa, she'd tell me stories about places we'd pass and she's always hum under her breathe at the stop lights.  That day she took me to a sort of department store, a sort of Target back in the day.  We shopped around and I followed looking at all the things not wondering once what we were doing. It was like that with her, just go with the flow no questions asked.  We stopped in the shoe section right in front of a Keds display and she said to go choose what I liked. My eyes grew large. I still remember that feeling. After looking around for a while, I finally resolved myself to a pair of plain whites Keds. Remember, I wanted to be cool and to be cool when I was in junior high was to wear  the plain white Keds.  Somehow my grandmother had picked up on this. She always knew these kinds of things.  We paid and went straight home. No other errands to run but to get my shoes. Looking back, I see how GaGa really helped my self esteem.  She was amazing like that.  That evening, I modeled my shoes for my sisters who were jealous but knew with GaGa their turn would come. She was always fair when it came to us five kids.  That night, in my pajamas and my Keds, I prepared for bed. Brushed my teeth. Washed my face. And with my Keds on, I crawled into bed and admired them by the moonlight shining through the window.  I fell asleep with the new Keds on my feet and awoke to my mother looking down at me with a puzzled look on her face.  I'm not sure if my mom knew but I knew she would come in and watch us sleep and I'd lay there feeling safe that she was there.  At the sight of seeing the Keds on my feet, she laughed to herself and unlaced them and let them fall to the floor. She pulled the blankets over my exposed feet and went to bed.  When I saw the light go off in my parent's room, I sat up, put on my new Keds and re-laced them again. Took a moment to admire them and went right to sleep.  The next morning when I awoke they were again unlaced and on the floor.  Clearly, this was the moment my shoe obsession began.  I think my mom knew something of it. She never said anything but whenever I wore my Keds, she would always look down at my feet and smile. 

Knitting in Public

Underground Knitting
Originally uploaded by PutYourFlareOn.

I'm planning on doing some knitting in public this weekend. Saturday is the second anniversary of The World Wide Knitting in Public Day.  Will be meeting up with the girls and slathering on the sunblock to enjoy a leisurely afternoon in the park.  Where will you be knitting this weekend?

If you're in Paris and would like to join us, drop me an email and I'll let you know the details.

Kindred Spirits

Converse world domination!
Originally uploaded by PutYourFlareOn.

Now this is love...

When he says nothing when you snore like a lawn mower because you've got a sinus infection.

When he comes to bed early because his wife wants to "talk".

When he comes home from work with macarons and nose spray to make it all better.

I love my husband.

Long Weekend

This past weekend was a very eventful weekend for J and I.  We celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary and J turned 30.  We giggled all weekend, reminiscing about the first time we met. What we were wearing. What we were thinking.  Talking about it with him made it feel like it just happened yesterday.  It's amazing how certain memories remain so clear in your mind.  4 years of marriage. It's been a fruitful 4 years for J and I. We're really learned a lot about ourselves and each other.  I feel like we're officially over that hump of being newlyweds and all the stress that comes along with that.  We really have learned to enjoy each other company to the fullest.  And the passion is still there, if not stronger than it ever was.  J and I have realized what it takes to make a marriage work and we're really blown away at how amazing our vie commune really is.  We're designing our future life projects together, talking about forming a family, we're communicating our emotions more openly and really understanding one another.  I didn't know marriage could be so fulfilling.

It's amazing the transformation I've seen in my husband over the last couple weeks. As he approached his 30th year, I could see pangs of anxiety hit him, he'd mostly laugh them off but I knew he was really thinking about it and what it meant to be turning 30.  He's told me that it's like a new chapter in his life is opening and I don't want to say that  he's scared of what's to come but I can see that he's really anxious to know what his 30's will be like. I must admit that I'm curious too...

Love Everyday

Sarang-eh, Omma.

Date Night

Every week the hubby and I go on date night.  One of our favorite places to dine, Pho 14, is less than 5 minutes away from our apartment in the 13th arrondissement and probably the one restaurant we go to the most for date night. The staff know us and when they see us come in they seat us at our favorite table (if available) and serve us up with our regular jus de coco and Pho Tai Chin. 

Pho Tai Chin is a Vietnamese soup chock full of rice noodles and cooked beef brisket marinated in a rich beef broth, seasoned with soja and chinese basil.  One of many delights you'll find on the Avenue de Choisy that runs south of the Place d'Italie and into the heart of Paris' China town. 

This is the first restaurant we ate at together after we moved to the 13th and one that we'll keep coming to for years to come.  How did we know that it was so good? When you walk by you can't help smell the Pho Chin and if that doesn't get your attention the large crowd of people waiting to be seated surely will.  Morning, noon and night there is a line to be seated at Pho 14. Trust me, it's well worth the wait.

A fav of mine...

Le Bon Marché.

Yesterday, I fell in love with this place all over again. Honestly, I rarely, really shop here, I come here to get ideas on what I'm looking for and to admire designers I love.

Ok, I do shop here from time to time but only at the cosmetics counters, namely Sisley.  Ok, let's not get my started on skin care, we all know I'm nut when it comes to clean skin.

Last week, I discovered that Le Bon Marché sells yarn. Yes, yarn! I have recently taken up the art of knitting thanks to this knitty lass.  My mother knits, my friends knit, Julia Roberts knits, you probably knit and now so do I! I don't understand why I didn't start this earlier.  All the cool things I will make. :)

I'm currently working on the scarf that seems to never end...

Love is...

Love is when your husband comes to bed early because you want him to.
Love is when you're friend takes the day off to play with you on your birthday.
Love is when you cat gives you kitty kisses when you are sad.

Love is when your husband agrees to re-arrange the kitchen at 10pm and you change your mind a hour later and he doesn't get mad.

Love is when he tells you that you're beautiful first thing in the morning.
Love is the laughter amongst good girlfriends.