PutYourFlareOn

Helping Hal-ah-boji blow out his birthday candles

Happy Birthday to you, Ah-ppa from Maximilien, Julien and I. We miss you!

Daily Linkage Love

I updated my Daily Link portion of my blog. I should call it something else instead of Daily link. I don't change it on a basis anymore. Anyway... on to the links: The first one is to an online friend named Cindy Pon. I have been reading her blog for as long as I can remember blogs being around. She is going to be a publish author and she deserves it. I can not wait to get her books and put them on my shelves at the tea house.  Check out her blog and her paint and prose blog as well. She's a beautifully talented Chinese brush artist as well.

Next is a design blog that I have been drawing a lot of inspiration from. It's called Decor8. As I am in the midst of redecorating the tea house with a huge overhaul happening in August, I am looking fresh new ideas and only have time to do it between customers and using only the Internet.

Finally, I wanted to show you a photographer that has captivated me for the last few months with her portraits with her children. She goes by InkyBlack on Flickr. I am going to be starting a new photography project soon and now you know where I found my inspiration for this project.

What links have you guys been into lately? Do share...

And there are hard days...

I dropped Max off at Tata's. He was quietly sitting in his stroller as we approached her door.  The hallway dark as I hadn't tripped the minuterie to light the way.  I stood for a second before turning on the light but then Tata opened the door and was waiting for us.  She greeted us with a warm smile and reached out to get Max out of the stroller. She glanced at me and her face changed. I guess I wasn't hiding my feelings very well. I was wearing my emotions like a huge billboard across my forehead. 

Just a few minutes before arriving to Tata's, Max and I strolled through the park by her apt and I saw a group of older women practicing Tai Chi.  The build of these women, the way they held their hands and the way they fixed their hair reminded me so much of my mother. One woman in particular was intrigued by my presence and she studied my face. A smiled appeared and she waved. I smiled back shyly and I felt the tears stinging my eyes. Any one of those women could have been my mother. I wished that she was one of them.

Tata motioned for me to come in and I went and sat down on the her couch as she filled me in on the day's activities. Max was going to be Tata's only charge for the day as the other two children were on vacation.  I hugged Max to begin the goodbye process and he grasped tightly to my coat.  Tata watched but mostly looking at me, studying my face.  I felt the tears rising. I quickly stood up and I said "bye bye" to Max and he waved and said, "Ba, ba, Ma Ma". Before I ever realized it I was crying. I rushed for the door because I did not want Tata to see me upset.  When I am missing my mother and someone asks me what's wrong, I can not lie and say it's something else. I tell them that my mother died and I miss her. But responses like this make people uncomfortable so I try to avoid them if I can.  She stood in the doorway, shielding Max with her shoulder. I stood in the dark hallway pressing the elevator button as sheets of tears streamed down my face.  As I turned to bid them goodbye,  Tata quickly mentioned that Max shouldn't see me upset because that would only upset him. But I looked back at Max with tears in my eyes and he smiled and reached out for me. Giving me a sympathetic smile. One I've seen so many times when I am sad and missing my mom.  I said, "bye bye" and let the elevator door close.

Should I let Max see me upset? Of course, he should see me upset.  If anything, Max has seen the entire array of emotions that I own.  I don't cry everyday but I do cry most days. I miss my mom and I tell Max that everyday. We look at her photo and I talk about her to him. He clutches the photo and gives it kisses. I honestly believe he  understands. 

In the afternoon, I went to pick up Max and he was so excited to see me. He held his arms out to me, letting me falls into them as I inhaled his sweet baby scent.  The melancholia of today just seemed to melt away in that moment.  Walking home in the rain as my Converse sloshed and my wool coat hung heavy on my shoulders, I felt better. I imagined my mom if I had the chance to tell her about the cafe and I could see her reaction. Her clap and little jump that she'd do when she was excited about something. And before I knew it I was imitating her. I was standing in front of Max in the stroller clapping and jumping and Max broke into a series of baby giggles and clapped himself. 

I will never hide my feelings from Max. Omma never hid hers from me and that is one of the strongest memories I keep of her.

6 years

There is so much going on in our lives right now. Funny how good things all come at once. What's the expression? I can't remember.

Today is our 6 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it's been 6 years already.  Our relationship is anything but static. Time speeds ahead making its presence noticeable at each birthday and milestone. But as time passes there is one constant in my life, my husband Julien.  From the day we met it felt we had known each other forever. My hand fit within his. His arms fit around my shoulders. We each have a place in one another's neck where the sweetness is our own.  As we embark on new adventures, I am glad to have him by my side. He is my partner in crime, my lover, my friend, my confidant. Here is to 6 years, my love...

This morning as I laid groggy in bed with Max crawling around me.  Julien leaned down to kiss me goodbye and told me to be dressed when he got home. i.e. not in a tracksuit my usual mama uniform.  I'm lucky if I get a shower during the day, such is my life now. He knew this and yet he asked me several times if I had anything planned and reminded me twice to be dressed when he got home. He left early this morning to come home early tonight. Something is up? Oh yes...

I guess I better shave my legs, huh?

30 Days :: 30

Today has been a rather long and surreal day. I had resolved myself to think one thing and at the end of the day it changed after finding out some news that will change our lives drastically. In a good way, of course. 

We celebrated. Just Julien and I. Max slept. We ate a homemade dinner and watched tv. Put raspberries in our champagne and looked at each other feeling the same thing. Relief.

This is the end of my 30 day photography project and it's quiet coincidental that on the last day of this project we got the news we've been waiting for.

I bet you're wondering what the heck is going on?

I'm feeling a bit tipsy after having one too many glasses of champagne to write the entire story here, right now. So on that note, I leave you but with a promise of a good story tomorrow.

I feel love, I feel life.

"Oh my love for the first time in my life,
My eyes are wide open..."

Walking today, enjoying the a beautiful, crisp fall day with my son I am overwhelmed with love for him as he turns his head as far as he can to look up at me from the Maclaren. He flashes me a half gummy, two toothed smile.  He reaches up to me. I grasp his hand. He laughs. My senses are flooded with so much love. 

I come home to find the power is back on in my apartment. It's been out all day. And I find an email from my husband timed just as the power was due to come on telling me that he loved me.

And I happened to open iTunes and randomly John Lennon's Oh My Love plays. Such a perfect song to explain what I feel. How beautifully Lennon phrases how simply life can be so full with just love.

Incomplete

I jerk myself out of bed tonight to write down the words that are pouring from my brain. The are pulling me back to a place that I have chosen to forget about for a while now. I'm too happy being a mother to let myself live these sad feelings. But sometimes it's just stronger than I can withstand. The sad emotions come flooding out of me. Mostly at night when I lay down to go to sleep.

Words over come my brain as I try to sleep. Things I wish I could have said to her. Letters I should have written when I had then chance. 

I find old birthday cards with her delicate handwriting on them and I find myself 8 years old again watching her write notes to remind herself of new words she had learned.

After my mother died, I went through her desk just looking at her things. It was her new desk at the new house. A new desk with a new mac computer.  I never knew her there. I only remember the old desk at the old house. The old desk that had her old IBM laptop on it. The old desk that kept her bobbles and such. Her address books and pencils and note cards. I went through her new desk at the new house just hoping to find something she had perhaps written to me. Maybe a letter or a note. Just something telling me something I didn't know. I hoped to find the letter that would tell me everything I would ever need to know. But of course, this would never happen as my mother didn't know she was going to die. Letters like these are only written when you know...

Before Max was born I often questioned myself why I even kept this blog anymore. It started out as something fun to pass the time. A journal of silly thoughts I had about living in France. But as the years have gone by (I have been at this for over 4 years now) I have found my blog to be a way for me to record my life.  There are so many little things I have forgotten. And now I hope that someday Maximilien and perhaps my other children will have a place to read my thoughts and dreams. And they won't be left wondering if I had left them the letter somewhere in my messy desk drawer.

I feel torn between two worlds right now. My present life and the life that stopped violently the day my mother died. Part of me feels like this is a vicious dream that will never end. I dig through the sheets trying to claw my way to the surface only to find that I am still asleep and unable to awaken myself. The other part of me is living the happy life that I am destine to live. Mother, Wife, Friend, Daughter, Sister. I am these things. But underneath I am sad. Very sad. And incomplete.

Generations

Free Hugs

January 27, 2007 - Julien and I gave him a hug and he let us take his photo., originally uploaded by PutYourFlareOn.

While taking a stroll near Hotel de Ville, this guy caught my attention. Actually, I spotted him from a distance taking this   lovely photo of the Hotel de Ville basking in the setting sun. We headed over to see what was going on. In the middle of the capharnaüm going on in front of the Hotel de Ville we see this guy peddling free hugs .  Most people pass him by without glancing at him. A few look confused asking, "Mais qu'est-ce que c'est un HUG??" and a couple   bystanders give in and go and get their free hug.  As did Julien and I... we were his first 2 1/2 person hug.  When asked why he was doing this he just said "Comme ca...J'aime bien donner des câlins"

I responded, Ca tombe bien, moi aussi... :)

Check out this video on Free Hugs. And an interview with the guy who started the Free Hug Movement.

Everyday Life: 22 weeks

22 weeks, originally uploaded by PutYourFlareOn.