PutYourFlareOn

9 of 30 - Self Portrait

 

While setting up the camera for a self portrait I took this shot accidently triggering the shutter while trying to set up the timer. Out of all the photos I took this one was the most natural. Pregnancy has brought out the freckles on my face.   

I feel like age is starting to catch up with me. I am 32 years old. Still very young. But I often stare at my eyes and see a wealth of experience in the depths. Experience that I have inherited because I share the same eyes as my mother.

After becoming a mother I notice that I instinctively react and do things and after the fact I often wonder how I knew how to do that. I must have seen my mother do it. I don't have any other explanation. Unknowingly as I grew up I was shaped by my own mother to become the mother I am today. 

Omma has been gone for 5 years now and I still feel the pain of her absence. I take enormous comfort in the fact that when I feel down I can hug my son and know that the love I feel in this moment is what she felt when she'd hug me. 

2 of 30 - Twice Daily

Since August 3rd, I've been giving myself twice daily injections of this little drug to prevent my body from developing blood clots. Something I developed while being pregnant and something that will go away once BB is born. I wrote about it back in August when it happened. I've given myself 186 injections and still have 84 more injections to go until I'm done. Yes, I keep track because it's not a walk in the park and now I can now see the end is near. 

He makes it all better

 

As hard as it is to relive the minutes and hours after Maximilien's birth this little boy reminds me that it's all worth it.  I thought that if I didn't think about the experience it would just go away. And it did for a while I actually had forgotten but sitting in the doctor's office in the moment of dejavu finding out that BB was going to be a big girl all those emotions rushed back to me. But today for the first time in 2.5 years I actually feel okay about my birth experience. And I know I can type this and mean it because I am not  crying uncontrollably but instead I feel excitement for BB birth in 4 weeks time. 

I wonder in today's medical age of technology why it's so hard for us as women to get the birth that we want? There is a small part of me that wonders if I had decided to try to have Max naturally would it have gone alright? Would it have ended up in a cesarean anyways? I know women birth babies as big as Max naturally all the time. Heck, one of my readers did and I totally admire her for that! But I feel like when it was time to make the decision for Max I was slightly psyched out but all the technology and terms and medical jargon thrown at me that I was pretty much scared into choosing the cesarean. And now for BB, listening to the doctors explain to me the risks of induction with a baby so big and my uterus so stretched out and the scar and abnormally strong contractions and this and that... it makes my head spin and I just say, enough. Please, get me my baby and leave me the hell alone. 

Dozing in and out of consciousness this morning I wondered if I could change things with BB's birth. Part of me is like change doctors! get more opinions! But I like my doctor and I wouldn't change doctors for the world because I. trust. him. And then all of a sudden I feel tired. And in this moment as the fatigue washes over me, there is Max standing by my side of the bed waiting to give me my morning kiss and I am reminded that everything ends well. Here's my 2.5 year old who's in perfect health who is happy and excited about the imminent arrival of his petite soeur. And I realize that I have made my choice. And I am alright with it. 

The state of our union

I start my maternity leave tomorrow. And I have to say that I need it. This pregnancy has been very exhausting. Even though my life circumstances are different now, I'm working full time and have a toddler to chase after, physically this pregnancy has been much harder on me. The all day sickness I suffered the first three months lasted more like five months and then while traveling to the US I developed a blood clot in my upper extremity. A lot to deal with and all the while juggling being a mama, a wife, an entrepreneur, and trying not to get lost in it all. I welcome maternity leave tomorrow. I need it. 

We had our third trimester scan on Monday and BB is scanning in as big as Max at this time. Based on the length of her leg bones and the circumference of her head she's weight in at 2.1kgs (4.6 lbs) already. I found out that I tested negative for gestational diabetes which was a huge relief since I had a sinking feeling I had it. But not because of the medication I have to take everyday until the end of the pregnancy I must go in every 10 days for blood work to monitor my platelets level. Want to know the best way to cure your fear for needles, well there you have it. One thing that I am glad for is I haven't gained much weight this pregnancy. I think I've gained 6lbs the entire pregnancy which is a record for me. It also makes me worry that something is wrong because I know my body and I just don't do this. 

Something new that has occurred lately is this unnerving sense of doom I feel all the time which turns to utter complete stress for me. I keep feeling like something is going to happen to my business while I'm not there. A fire or we'll be burgled. I keep telling my husband that we need to change the car seat in my MIL's car for Max because I don't feel like it's safe enough for him and i have these dreams that he's in a car accident and something terrible happens. I am sure these feeling of unease are due to the pregnancy and stress of running my own business but I don't know what to do to really deal with them. Therapy? Well, that's what I use my blog for...

On to more cheery subjects, Maximilien is doing great these days. We've transitioned him to a full size twin bed and he loves it. Where as in his make shift toddler bed he looked so big in the full size bed he looks so small. But he's not a baby anymore. He's talking in complete sentences in French and in English. He jumping and climbing higher than Mama would like. He's affectionate and as obedient as a two year old can be. And he's very excited about the baby in Mama's bidon. Everyday he says, bonjour to his sister and calls her by her name (yes, we've found the perfect name!!). And he pays close attention to Mama's bidon so that I won't get too many bobos on it. I medicine I must take for the blood clot is an injection that I administer to my love handles and often they leave bruises. This worries Max and he checks everyday to make sure there aren't any new bobos on Mama's bidon. 

I am preparing myself for the arrival of BB and I know that I won't believe I'm having another baby until she's here. Every night I go and check on Max before going to bed and so the same thing I've done since the day he was born. I stroke his head and tell him that I love him. Kiss his hands and cheeks and smell his baby scent. Soon, I will have two...

Wee knits

The yarn shop portion of the tea house is taking off. French knitters love American hand painted yarns! But of course, they would....it's just so beautiful. :) With each pregnancy I've found myself in the midst of a knitting frenzy. Nesting for sure. Wee knits for BB. I can't wait until she's here.

Max's first haircut

When Maximilien was born he had very little hair. Not even eye brows! As he grew older we could always tell what age the photo was taken based on how long his hair was. Right around 18 months old his hair started to really grow and out came the cutest baby curls. 

Since we've been in the US it's been very hot and Max longer hair was slightly unmanageable and always in his eyes. So, while getting ice cream at Baskin Robbins we decided to pop over the hair salon next door and get his first hair cut. 

We went in with our baby boy with bouncing curls and out came our Maximilien, I'm-not-a-baby-big boy now.

  

Maybe it's a little foolish of me to regret cutting off his baby curls but I do hope they will come back again. 

20 weeks

I'm at 20 weeks in this pregnancy and finally things are starting to take a turn for the better. I've only thrown up once this week. That's pretty good. I'm starting to sleep better now that Maximilien has decided that sleeping in his own bed is cool. And summer pretty much passed us by here in Paris so that means I'm pretty comfortable physically with this pregnancy. BB is really moving around a lot especially right after I've eaten something. I just downed a huge glass of chocolate milk (haven't had a glass of this since I was like in 6th grade) and it was so good. Other than the urge to drink lots of milk and eat yogurt all the time I haven't had any other cravings. In all honesty, my appetite has been pretty non-existent so far. I pretty much tell myself to eat a little through out the day because I want to keep my energy up. Speaking of energy, mine is back. And that means I can actually work again. For a couple months there I'd drag myself to the tea house to do the morning preparations and back and by the time noon came around (starting around 9am) I was dead tired. But now I find myself working away the morning and still wanting to stick around the tea house and work with my employees. I've had to hire a full time people to replace me during the week because it was not possible for me to keep working 65 hours a week and get through my first trimester. 

Lately, I've been listening to a podcast called Pregtastic. And have found it very entertaining and informative. Today, I listened to an episode about VBAC after cesarean. I am hoping to go this route with this baby. My doctor supports me on this and honestly, I feel that this baby is going to be a different size than Maximilien. You remember that Max was 4.945 kgs (10.9lbs) at birth. And at all stages of my pregnancy with Max I was just HUGE. So, the decision to go with a cesarean was made. Of course my doctor presented me with my options (which did include a vaginal birth) but being inexperienced and sort of naive about having a baby I decided on the cesarean. I don't regret my decision because Max came out perfect and everything worked out fine but I do feel like I deprived myself of my womanly right to have a baby as nature intended me to and I really want to experience that. While on vacation in the US, I plan on stocking up on books to educate myself about VBAC and preparing myself for a different kind of birth for BB. 

I leave you with an interesting thing that happened to me recently. Shortly after getting pregnant again, I started to wear my maternity/nursing tank tops again. They are just so comfy and underwire bras are evil when your breasts are huge. I was wearing one in the presence of Max and the latch for the bra portion happened to unclip. It makes a distinct clicking sound. Upon hearing this sound, Maximilien looks at me and exclaims, "Lolo?!" Lolo was the code word I used while I nursed him for breast feeding. I'd ask him if he wanted to Lolo or if he wanted to drink from the Lolo. I didn't want to be heard in public saying "do you want the boob? or Do you want to drink breast feed?" It worked well for us. No one knew the better. Until a few months ago, I had assumed that Max had forgotten completely about the Lolos. But I was wrong. Upon hearing the sound of my nursing tank top clip open, he immediately knew what that sound meant. Makes you wonder how far back he remembers at his young age? 

And finally my latest belly shot:

20 weeks where I feel like I am more at 28 weeks. As of two weeks ago I hadn't gained any weight in this pregnancy but I feel that has changed now with all the chocolate milk and yogurt I've been eating lately. We'll see on Monday at my big 2nd echographie and get another good shot of our girl. 

 Here, Max is trying to drive his tractor on the baby just an older brother would do, right? 

I have to admit...

that I am not enjoying this pregnancy very much. Besides being riddled with hellacious nausea the first three months, I haven't been able to sleep very well lately and my body just feels completely taken over. I keep reading and hearing from friends that this is what a pregnancy with a girl baby does but I guess I just didn't really expect things to go the way they have. I mean I can't help but compare everything to my first pregnancy. I think its normal that we do this and pretty hard for us to avoid considering everyone asks me on a daily basis how this pregnancy is going compared to first. 

I saw a friend today who I haven't in about 4 months or so. She had no idea I was pregnant and she asked me if I were sick because I didn't look very good. Nope, just pregnant. She shook her head and remarked that's why I looked like I've gained weight. Thanks, friend, for so nicely telling me that I looked fat. Funny though, I haven't gained a kilo since I started this pregnancy. But putting on a skirt that I wore pretty frequently while pregnant with Maximilien I noticed that my butt looked bigger as I pulled my black maternity tank down over the top of my bum. 

And the heat... oh man, the heat. It's currently 29°C (84°F) in the apt right now. We own one fan and it's blowing into our room where Max has decided he'd rather sleep these days. The heat isn't helping things. I do find myself lingering in the yogurt and cheese aisles at the grocery store but besides that none of my daily haunts have la clim so I will have to go out of my way to find places to cool off. I thought about the pool today but walking home after doing morning prep at the tea house and seeing the line go around the building and down the street pretty much turned me off from that idea. And then I remembered going to the pool with Max and the craziness that the French public pools could be. 

In a positive light, Max is completely obsessed with my belly and babies. He tells me everyday there's a baby in there. The assistants at the creche know that I am pregnant now and talk with him about it. They were excited to get out their collection of books about becoming a sibling and new babies in Maman's belly. Today, I went to pick him up from the crèche and I saw Max pushing around a baby in a pousette. One of the assistants told me that he had been telling all the other kids that this was his baby. He would hold the baby and then put it back in the stroller and sing songs to it. Talk about total explosion of my heart.

   

Compared to at 16 weeks with Max. No 18 weeks photo available. 

   

But standing in the mirror tonight in my favorite striped skirt and black tank I looked and felt like I was starting to look pregnant. I am definitely carrying this baby differently. With Max, I carried him out in the front  and with BB it's more of a fat tire thing going on with my whole mid-section. I can feel her kick and sometimes kicking in my back? Anyone else feel that? Maybe my placenta is placed in the front this time. I'll have to ask my doctor about that. But those little love taps make me happy and I quickly forget about how uncomfortable I am this time around. But still... I find myself counting the weeks until the finish line. I'm 18 weeks this week, indigestion and all. 

My two year old takes care of me.

If my hair was longer he would have been holding my hair back for me. I got sick again tonight and it caught me off guard. I was changing Max's poopy diaper and I guess it hit me harder than I thought. I rushed to change him and put him down on the floor and rushed to the other end of the apartment to the bathroom making it just in time for the sick to come up. I hear the pitter patter of my toddler's feet in the hallway and the faint calling, "Mommy?". There is worry in his voice. 

I am hunched over the toilet heaving and unable to move. My son comes and rubs my back and says to me, "Mommy malade?" "Mommy malade.". The first time a question and the second time an affirmation. He repeats it until I acknowledge that he's right that Mommy is sick. He stood there quietly with his hand on my back until I was done. I washed my face and rinsed my mouth and scooped up my little man. Without hesitation he swooped in for a big kiss and a hug and whispered, "Mommy malade".

He understands that there is a baby in my tummy. He doesn't understand that the baby is making mama sick. I haven't explained that to him and don't want him to associate the baby with Mama being sick. He's gone from his days of imitating me being sick to sympathizing with me now. I do appreciate that a lot. 

I am always in awe at how compassionate my son can be. He is always concerned when there is a child crying at the creche or the playground. When we watch the Tigger movie he always gets upset when Tigger is crying and comes close to me to cuddle and find comfort. And instead of him seeking out comfort in my arms he comes and gives it to me when I need it the most. I am grateful for this and know that he's going to be a great big brother to this new baby. 

Here I am staying up late when I should be trying to get some sleep. I should follow my son's advice he gave me when I put him to bed tonight. He leaned in and said to me, "Mommy est malade. Mommy fait dodo". Yes, Max... mama is going to bed now. 

.Us.

I sat and watched Maximilien built his train track and for the first time today he figured out how to make the track into a circle without asking Mama for help. I was so impressed to watch as he tried out different pieces, turning them so they would fit taking out long straight ones to replace them with curved ones so that his train could run its course. 

I snapped this shot of him right after he big accomplishment and inadvertently I caught my belly in the shot! As you can see our family is growing. As sad as I am that Max is growing out of his babyish ways I will have a new one this winter to fulfill those tiny shoes again. I can't wait. 

Kerfluffle

But in a good way.

That's pretty much how my life has been for the last few weeks. Bouts of nausea that kept me pretty much laying down most of the day and then the excitement of old friends coming into town have occupied me the last couple weeks. Now we have an "empty nest" as our friends have left (we miss you guys!) and I am filling the void with lots and lots of administrative work that needs to get done. But during this busy time, I hardly had the chance to notices that the pregnancy nausea has disappeared. Where as just a few weeks ago I dreaded waking up for the last week, morning have have been better and my I feel my appetite and energy level coming back to normal again. 

Maximilien got to spend two full weeks with my friend's daughter, Rowan, who is practically the same age as Max. They spent the entire time sharing everything, exchanging languages, running up and down the hallway in our apt and hugging and kissing each other everyday. I only wish that my friends and I lived closer together but we look forward to our next big visit next year but this time in the US. Up until my friends arrived I had worried about Max's level of exposure to English. While I don't doubt at all his level of comprehension in English ( I only speak to him in English) I was a little worried about his English expression. He only speaks French at home (and at the Creche) with a few words in English peppered through out his 2-3 word sentences. But after spending two weeks with his American (girl)friend I can easily say that he's upped his vocabulary in English by 20-30 words. Just last night, he was telling me about going up and down the chair something he never really expressed before hanging out with Rowan, who said this to us at least 100 times a day. :) I look forward to our month long visit in the US and am excited to experience the new development in his English vocabulary.

The new baby who I am calling "BB" or BéBé is doing well. Last week, BB was measuring over 5cm so I suspect this week near 7cm. I can tell that some growth is going on in my belly as my pants don't really fit anymore and that at 14 weeks of pregnancy I am much bigger that I was with Maximilien. I am a bit disappointed in myself that I am starting out this pregnancy 10lbs heavier than I did with Max but I am happy to report that in the first 3 months of this pregnancy I haven't gained any weight. Oh, my doctor might be disappointed with me when I get back from the US with an extra 15lbs on me. Home always means eating foods that I miss... like baked beans, ribs and all the fixins. My father has been warned that I intend on eating BBQ at least once a week while I'm home.

Speaking of going home, we have booked out tickets for our big flight to St. Louis in August. This will be the first time in 6 years that I have been home to the midwest during the summer. I am afraid that I have forgotten how hot it will be but rest assured there will be good 'ole AC and I am betting that Julien, Max and I will come down with colds because we're not used to AC. But I think we'll survive.... I am looking forward to seeing family in Kansas and Nebraska and catching up with old friends, especially ones who may be having a baby very soon (Hi Lainey!).

There's a mini update on what's been going on around here... I have lots of photos to post and more things to write about. But for now I feel like going to pick up my boy early with a box of popsicles and going to the park to pick wild flowers.

Heart

It's unavoidable that today I feel sad. I miss her. Terribly.

But it isn't really different from any other day of the year for me. 

One of my biggest fears is that Maximilien will have to endure the pain of losing his mother at a young age. I know that I can't control life. But how do you teach your child that sometimes life isn't fair? I don't know how to teach these life lessons.

But I do know how to love my baby. And he sure does know how to love his Mama.

Tonight before bed:

"Mama, calin?" and he threw himself into my arms for a big bear hug.

And then he stood back and said, "Mama, buh buh?" (kisses in Korean) and showers me with kisses on my cheeks.

My son. My hope. My heart.

Transitions

Bedtime for the last couple weeks has been hard. Maximilien insists on reading books and then falling asleep in our bed. In the beginning, we indulged him on this.  There really was no way to crawl into his crib and read him books in his room so it was our bed for the final step of his night routine.  He's a snuggler and likes to have a doudou or two and he hand picks out 6 or 7 books to read. And every time when I finish the last book he announces, "Do do, Mommy" and cuddles in for the night.  I've been so tired the past few months when Max's bedtime rolls around I am pretty much ready for bed too so there we are snuggling and falling asleep together. For the first week, we were able to scoop Max up and put him in his crib without him noticing. This last week, he minute we'd move him he's wake up and put his baby sleeper grip on our necks and wail, "No, Mommy... Nooooooo!". Of course, me being the softie I give in and  take him back to our bed. But then the sleepless nights for Julien and I started happening. Let's just say that Max is a pretty agitated sleeper. One moment he's sleeping soundly and then next you know he's sitting up (asleep) turning himself around and it's his feet in my back and his head in Julien's.

After three nights in a row of this we had had enough. We put him in his bed and let him cry it out. Parents to toddlers can agree with me on this that 2 year olds can cry for a freaking long time.

Two nights ago, out of desperation and obvious need of sleep for Julien, especially. I shut myself up in Max's room and held him like a baby and rocked him to sleep. As he was falling asleep, I asked Max why he didn't want to sleep in his bed. He pointed to it and said, "baby".  And I responded, "Max is a big boy and wants to sleep in a big bed like Mommy's?" And he said, "Oui". Ah, sweet communication and understanding.

Julien took off the gate portion of his crib last night and for the first time in a long time Max slept in his own bed. Upon showing him his "new" bed, he crawled right in and laid down. He did fall out once last night. After a few minutes consoling him and lots of hugs he was ready to go back to sleep.  

Today, he napped like a champ, grabbing his father's pillow to take to his bed. And he did not fall out of his bed today. He woke up and played quietly for 30 minutes before calling for me to come and get him since he still hasn't figure out how to open the 70 year old door knob to his room. 

Tonight, I read to him in our bed, we snuggled and talked about the new baby, I sensed he was drifting so I asked him if he was ready to go to his bed and after contemplating the question a few seconds, he whispered, "oui, mommy".

My baby is becoming a big boy...

Taking a little break from the baby talk...

So, we're booking our tickets for our flight home this summer. Our plan is to spend the entire month of August with my Dad in St. Louis and will probably be driving to Kansas and Nebraska to see family and friends. Talking with Julien tonight about the purchase of the tickets, he looks at me with a serious face saying, il faut qu'on discute cette histoire de Swine Flu. We need to talk about the Swine Flu.

The first I heard of this was last weekend when my mother-in-law dropped Maximilien off and mentioned with a very serious tone her worry about La Grippe Porciné. I have had my head in the toilet (literally) for the past month so I had to ask what that was? And she was surprised that I did not know that my beloved state of Kansas had two confirmed cases.

So, here I am opening up a little discussion here to get a better feel about how you feel about this Swine Flu. I know a lot of people who read my blog live in the US and I am hoping that I can get a better idea from you what you think rather than listening to the media. I've tried listening to a few news broadcasts but get put off because they make it sound scary using words like, pandemic. And the mama bear in me is worried for Max and myself being all newly pregnant.  When people talk about it with me I feel like like the odd person out because I am NOT freaking out about this.  And it's like everything, I already have a ton of things to think about do I need to worry about this too?

Two Years

Dear Max,

You are two years old today. Typing this out makes me pause for a moment and think back to your birth day. I remember not being about to sleep at all the night before. Knowing the day you were going to come into this world had been a comforting thought. I was excited for your arrival and sleep was the last thing on my mind. The end of my pregnancy wasn't the typical count down to your predicted due date instead it was like me being 6 years old again counting down the days until Christmas. You, of course, being the best gift I've ever received. I can remember clearly the day I brought you home. We hadn't bought a car seat for you yet so your Dad drove home my luggage and your bags while I walked you home from the clinic in the stroller. Looking down through the window in the canopy you looked so tiny. Today, you can turn and reach your hand up to mine and the days of being a stroller baby are rapidly coming to an end.

The day I brought you home, I remember riding up the elevator with you snuggled in my arms. You were awake and very alert. You were taking in all the new surroundings. I paused at our front door and told you, "welcome home, my son". Today, you know how to use the key to unlock the door to our building. You dash over to push the button to call the elevator. When we arrive at our door, instead of me being the one opening the door for you, it is you that demands to be the first one in.

Last night, I picked you up early from the Créche so we could go kick dirt together and chase pigeons in the park. "Bird" and "Tree" and "Woo woo!" (for dog) are a few of your favorite words. I stood back and watched you run, trip, pick yourself up and go again. My big baby is becoming a big boy. I ran after you so that I wouldn't miss a moment of our afternoon play date. Know that I will always be running after you, my son. We fell asleep in Mama and Daddy's bed tonight, you wrapped your little arms around me and hugged me. Patting my back and holding me tight as you fell asleep. The grip loosened and I snuggled you close.  I whispered in your ear that I'll always be here for you because I am your mother.

I try to remember my life before I became a mother and it's all starting to become a blur.  Being a mom to these past two years has really shown me that I have found my path in life. I am grateful for this gift you have given me, Max.

2 years of Maximilien from PutYourFlareOn on Vimeo.

I made a little photo video for your birthday and it was such a pleasure because each photo took me back to the day each moment was captured. One photo for each month of your life. With Shel Silverstein singing one of my favorite poems of all times.

Maximilien, you are loved. Your father and I are so blessed to have you in our lives. Do you know that every night before we head to bed we go into your room and watch you sleep? Smiling, we watch you as you dream... the love we have for you washing over us ten fold.  Never in a million years would we have thought that we could love someone as much as we love you.  

Happy, Happy Birthday my boy... 

Love,

Mama

Word storm

It's started...the word storm. Everyday Maximilien uses new words to express himself.  Instead of grunts and pointing we have words!!!  Each morning for the past couple months there's an explosion of words coming out of his mouth so fast that our morning-tired adult brains can't understand.  It's so exciting. I can tell that Max is excited because finally he can express to us what he really wants.  There have been so many new words that I can't keep track how many new words he's used in the last week. Today, he asked for a cookie with a perfectly pronounced "Mommy, Cookie, please?".

Up until recently Maximilien would make the sounds of the animals he wanted to talk to us about. Moo, Bââ, click his tongue (for the horse), Mêêê (Fench goat), coin coin (French duck) and just last week during our trip I'd hear him say, "regard! Sheeeeeeep, Mama!" or "hooooooorse" or "gooooooo" (for goat) or "oiseau" (bird)! I then I realize that my son will someday speak better French than his mother and I think, I'm alright with that.  At 23 months, he impresses me with how well he processes the two languages so easily.   Everyday, I look forward to hearing the new words he's learned and the new things he can do. At the créche he is called the puzzle master (and dou dou master) by the assistants. Even still at 23 months old, I feel the amazing grip that motherhood has on me and am loving every minute of it.

 

Holding on to those moments

Spending the last few days home with Maximilien while he's (and I have) been sick I've found that I have been thinking about my mother a lot and feeling the void. Moments when Max snuggles close to me while we are reading books. Nestling his head against my arm, eyes closed while sucking his thumb. Telling me that he is tired and that there is no where else he'd rather be. I close the book and lay down next to him. His cheek against mine. I hear him "hmmm" and sigh.  Pure love. I think this has to be what my mother felt holding me as a baby. I've never felt so much love in my life. I close my eyes and hold him close and tell myself to remember.

You have these moments in life when you tell yourself to remember. Graduation from junior high. I was taking a photo with my parents wearing a pretty silly looking hat and a dress that my mother made. I remember clicking my press on nails and pushing my glasses up and looking at both my parents and thinking. Remember this moment. Girl Scout camp. I remember the day that I left getting dressed pulling up my green knee high socks with tassels and lacing up my brand new Reebok high tops. My mother and father leading me out to our back porch and them taking a photo of me. Later, the drive to the camp leader's house with my father in his gray pick up truck and saying goodbye to my dad who was smiling at me wearing his tortoiseshell glasses. I remember telling myself remember this moment. Saying goodbye at the airport.  It was after our church wedding ceremony. Julien and I had spent the last three weeks in Kansas getting married, spending the Christmas holidays with my family and just having fun. My mother was wearing her Christmas sweater and my father his fleece jacket. My hair was long and in a pony tail. My mother had her camera in hand and snapped a photo of us passing through security. I remember saying goodbye to my parents, hugging them with all my might and feeling the tight pang of sorrow as I had to leave them to return to France. Little did I know this was the last time I saw my mother alive.

So many of these moments come back to me at random times. Not sure what triggers them but when they come I try to think hard and remember them. Just today, laying with Max listening to him sleep I remember the last phone call I had with Omma while she was in the hospital the night before she passed away. I remember clearly her voice and how happy she sounded. Her laugh.  We talked about Thanksgiving and what she was going to make for dinner. We talked about the doctors and how nice everyone had been to her and how she felt strong and better than earlier in the week.  Then we talked about my visit and how it had been nearly two years since we'd seen each other. And how much we missed each other. The tightness returning to my chest as I said those words to her.  We just chit chatted about other things and at the end she told me she was ready to be a grandmother. My mother, the frank one.  And I told her that I had gotten the message with a smile on my face, of course. We said our goodbyes and I told her that I loved her and that I'd call her tomorrow. 

As mothers, I don't know how we are supposed to prepare our children for a life without us. I guess we just love them as much as we can and hope for the best? I never got to have certain conversations with my mother. I ask myself what conversations did I miss out on? Motherhood for one.  And many others I'm sure...  I just feel like we should of had more conversations like we did on the phone that last night of her life. Maybe it's just like this when you lose a loved one. Seems so unfair to me still....

All I know is, I hope that my blog will someday be a window into my person for my children and loved ones after I am gone. That if they have unanswered questions or memories lost they will perhaps be able to find the answers here.

Thinking outloud here...

so bear with me...

This past weekend I took Maximilien to his buddy Nathan's birthday party. A sort of grown up party with kids. My friend Sarah brought her son Felix and for the first time Max had a chance to play with a child who is older than him. And boy, did they play... I was surprised at how easily those two played together. Age different is about a year and two months. They were hugging and wrestling, jumping and running. I loved it though some of the other mothers (of younger children) were shooting me looks of get-your-screaming-child-under-control. I ignored them since I knew it would be good for them to see what their children would probably be doing in the following months. 

But since last weekend, I have been thinking about when to have the next child? Seeing Max play with Felix really makes me want to give Max a sibling. As you can tell with the lack of blogging, the tea house has taken a HUGE chunk of my time. I feel guilty because I feel like I've neglected my marriage and my household. The apt is in a perpetual state of disarray and my husband well... I know he feels neglected too but he understands and is sympathetic. But I don't want to let things get to the point where we're wondering what happened to our life because I let myself live with all this neglect. (yes, a 2009 new year's resolution is in order... but that's another post.)

Typing this I can obviously see that I can't have another child until I get my current life in order. Talking with friends, I realize that I probably have a pretty sweet set up if I did have another child. I could just bring the new baby with me to the tea house. Take out one table, set up a bassinet and voila, the baby can hang out with me while I spend my day at the tea house. Sounds fun, right? But then I am reminded of the late nights and lack of sleep and the breast feeding and the leaking boobs and constant spit up and what if I have another cesarean and will the recovery time be long like it was with Max. And... and... and... AND add on top of that running a tea house and a burgeoning knit café.

yeah... just thinking outloud here...

My daily pick me up

Before I became a mother, I wondered if being a mother would be for me? I really didn't question myself much after Maximilien was born due to the sheer joy I felt every time I held my baby.  I was a mama and being a mama was for me.  And even now when he's 20 months old, I still feel the joy picking up my son or seeing him play, run and say his first words.  And I know that this feeling will last well until my son is grown... even when he doesn't want mama's kisses anymore or I can't hold him because he will outweigh me.

I carried Maximilien home last night from dinner and I realized that I don't do that much anymore because he's walking everywhere now. I reminded myself to take advantage of the fact that I can still carry him now and that I should do it more often. Last night we read books before bed and snuggled and then Max says to me "kiss Mama, kiss Mama" and push his squishy cheek to my face. With his little baby hands, he pulled my face close again and again for more and more kisses.  I could feel the love exploding from my heart and washing over us in fits of giggles.  Moments like this is what it's all about...

Julien took this video of Max last weekend riding the line 14 on his way to his grandmother's house. I just wanted to share with you a bit of the joy of Maximilien. His wonderment is genuine. His smiles melt the heart. His words amaze me, though hard to understand right now. This is our life right now. And I'm so grateful for it.

Maximilien prend le métro from jagerog on Vimeo.

First of many first...

So, today while sitting on the potty myself this morning, Max decided to pay me a visit in the bathroom which happens to be his favorite place to congregate with Mama and Papa.  So, there we were the two of us in out 2m2 bathroom when I asked Max where his potty was? He pointed to his green mini potty under the sink. I proceeded to pull off his diaper and asked him if he had to go "poo poo" on his potty. He shook his head "non" but grabbed his potty and sat down anyways. And next thing I knew there was a little tinkle in the potty and a strange expression on his face of uncertainty. I immediately smiled and clapped my hands, "Bravo" and his face lit up with joy and relief.

So, there you have it... first use of the potty. Hopefully we can keep up this self-initiated motivation of the potty. I had suspected that we were moving towards the potty for a few weeks now since the poop in the bathtub incident  Max has been telling us (and anyone else who will listen) when he's pooed or peed. And the creche has picked up on this too and they have been showing him to the potty periodically through out his day.

Just as he weaned himself from breastfeeding and now he wants to use the toilet like les grands I must say that I am thrilled and excited to see my son growing up and taking initiative. And that we're moving closer to day he'll be able to wipe his butt on his own. :)

A break from the norm...

I decided to close the tea house today to profit from the fact that Maximilien was home from the creche and Julien off from work because today is Armistice Day in France. And because I am the boss and I can do things like that. Still getting used to this concept but it's sinking in pretty easily. :)

We were treated to a nice morning of sleeping in until 8:30am (thank you, Maximilien!) and then lazily drank warm milk and read books in bed until about 9:15am when we decided we'd head out for breakfast at Breakfast in America. We met up with Julien's brother, Benjamin who is also Max's godfather for a lovely (and large) American style breakfast of pankcakes, eggs and bacon. Max almost put away one of BIA's HUGE pancakes all by himself. We found a nice park across the street from the diner and spend some time enjoying the crisp autumn weather.  I brought out my big camera in an effort to get away from using built in point and shoot in my cell phone. I am still having a hard time working out time for photos. I miss it terribly but I am working on getting back to it little by little.

Since the weather was so nice today I got some really lovely images of Max playing at the park with his father and two uncles. Julien surprised me by taking a really lovely shot of Max and I at the diner that I will cherish forever.

The rest of the photos from today can be found here.

Today, felt like the last days of fall... I wish I had taken some photos of the trees in the park. The lovely yellows, red and browns were so vibrant today. Well, it's just an excuse for me to get my camera out tomorrow for some more photos, right?

Today was a little better...

Drop off this morning went very well. Max slept in a bit this morning after waking up around 1am wanting to cuddle with me. I took him to our bed and let him "sleep" with us.  He wiggled around and nestled himself in the crook of my arm and drifted in and out of sleep until about 3am when my body said it needed uninterrupted sleep. I gently put Max back in his crib and he went right to sleep.  Morning routine went well without any tears. When it came time to put on his coat, I told him clearly that he was going to the creche and he said, "ok" and put his arm out to put his coat on. Then walked over and sat down to put his shoes on. Relief came over me... this is exactly what I had hoped would happen.  My suspicions were correct. He was reaching out to us saying that he needed more time with us. Needed help making the transition to the creche. We arrived at the creche and he was happy to get out of the stroller and walk up the stairs. He willingly walked into his classroom and went over to find a book to read with Celine, who was waiting to give him a "big calin" and I waved goodbye and he responded with au revoir and a smile.

For the first time in a couple weeks I walked to work with my heart feeling lighter with less worry.

We are still going to make an appointment to meet with the director to discuss our concerns. I also have made a doctor's apointment with Max's peditrician next week to discuss this kind of behavior and to ask what can be done. 

Thank you for all your kind words of advice... it has helped Julien and i get some perspective on this matter. It is a sensitive subject that we must deal with vert diplomatically. Unfortunately, changing creche is not possible. There are so little spots in the creches in Paris that us getting another spot is probably impossible. Also, if we go about this situation wrong with our current creche would could encounter troubles if we ever want to enroll our second child in the same creche. It is all politics and human relations. One (political) that I am not always very good at and the second I can handle. Fortunately, I am married to someone who can be very political(ly correct) in all the right moments.

Transitions

I feel like for the last three years my life has been full of major transitions. Moving to France was a the first major transition, it took me two years to really feel like I could live in France for the rest of my life. Making friends, finding a job, I finally felt like I was finding my place. Then my mother suddenly passed away and yet again my life was transitioning again. I had to find a new identity, new place in this world, a new me.  I became pregnant and there I found myself again going through major transition. Nine months of gestating a baby, watching and feeling my body becoming a vessel of life and then finally giving birth. Upon giving birth, I transitioned again from being a childless adult to a mother. The ups and downs, the hard and the easy there I was transitioning yet again...

But this transitioning wasn't over yet.... I started my tea house adventure 10 months after Maximilien was born. And a month after he turned a year old I found myself the owner of a tea house in Paris. And there I was transitioning from being a stay-at-home mother to a full-time working mama.  Things have seemed to calm down a bit in the transitioning department for me.  I have to say that I am pretty glad to be getting to some stability in my life right now. I honestly ask myself sometimes how the heck I made this far?

But now I see my son going through some hard transitions himself.  And I question myself how will he get through it? The creche is hard for him.  Where I initially thought that things were going well it turns out that he is having a difficult time. Both Julien and I agree that we feel like he's changed a bit. He seems agitated when he's home and very temperamental. When before he was very easy going and happy, now Max is sometimes hard to please and often melancholy.  Morning drop offs at the creche for the last couple weeks have been difficult. We arrive and he immediately wants me to carry him. He refuses to take off his coat and when we walk up to his classroom I must coax him to enter. Upon arriving he is very hesitant to go play with his classmates and must have one hand on me at all times.  Tears are shed when it's time for me to go and I end up leaving him in a crying heap in the arms of one of the creche assistants.

I have my suspicions as to why Maximilien is all of sudden rejecting the creche.  My first suspicions is that he misses me. Less of a suspicion really... I am pretty sure he misses me because I miss him terribly.  I think it's sunk in now I'm not around all the time like I was before.  My second suspicion is that he's getting bitten at the creche and he just plain doesn't like it. And in response to this Max has bitten a couple other children. I say a couple children because there have been two incidents where Max has bitten a child but incidentally there have been more times where Max has been bitten than I can count on my two hands.  I am frankly shocked at this but apparently this is normal according to the creche director.  All I know is that since the biting has started Max has been different child. Is this a life transition that he must go through? I reluctantly tell myself that it is.

I picked up Max a bit early from the creche today so that we could spend some extra time together. We came home and did the evening routine, had a pajama party in our bed, reading books and playing with dou dous until we both fell asleep. Tomorrow, I will keep Max home from the creche and spend the day with him. The only thing I can do for him now is to help ease him through this new transition in his life. And somehow we'll get through it together.

I am the mom who forgets to pick up her kid at daycare...

Last Friday, I was busy working away at the tea house when my phone rang at 6:30pm. Directeur Crêche flashing on the screen of my phone. I start to panic a bit. I answer the phone and the director gently tells me that no one has come to pick up Maximilien and asks if I could come and get him. I was out the door before she hung up. I can see the crêche from the front steps of the tea house. I arrive to see that Max is the only child in his classroom. In my head, I was thinking, "oh, Julien must have gotten stuck on the RER". I start rattling off that my husband must be late and apologize for the misunderstanding. I dial my husband number as I walk back to the tea house and ask where he was? He calmly answers that he's on the train and that he'll be at the tea house to pick up Max by 7pm. Then it dawns on me that it's Friday and it's MY day to pick up Max.

I am the mother who forgets to pick up her kid from daycare.

The image of Max's face is etched into my brain. A mix of utter happiness to see me and relief that I had finally come to get him. The assistant told me that Max had been standing by the door for the last 20 minutes waiting for me to come.  I'm sure she said that just to make sure that it stuck in my brain that I had forgotten to pick up my son.

It is the end of Max's first official week at the crêche and I have already forgotten to pick him up.  And on top of that he was bitten 4 times and apparently bit another child. But I'll get to the biting story later for now I am off to go and watch my son sleep.  And remind myself that I am still a good mama.

Finding time for myself...

As I struggle with juggling all these new responsibilities I've learned that if I give a little I get a little in return. It has always been hard for me to ask for help. I like to try to do everything myself but as I am learning how to run my own business (with my husband) that I can't do it all by myself. I worked a 13 hour day on Weds and I was completely wiped out the next day.  But things are starting to shift for us time wise, Maximilien has started the creche this week and it really has given me a breath of fresh air.  Also, he is absolutely happy at the creche. When we stroll up to the door, he starts kicking his feet and bucking to get out of the stroller. He is so very happy to "go to school" everyday.  He starts his day at 9am and that means I start my day at the tea house at 9am as well. Before I was starting an hour later and always felt rushed. Never had time to have breakfast and was always putting something in the oven right at the last minute.  With this extra hour this morning, I've baked madeleines, had morning coffee and I have even found time to blog! Blogging is not a fundamental need for me but it gives me a break and I take pleasure in these few moments writing down what I'm thinking about. 

Now that our lives are falling into more of a routine I find myself wanting to have another baby. Friends who have just had new little ones oblige me with visits so that I can get my baby fix but I see Max playing at home alone and I feel the urge to give him a brother or sister. I know what it's like growing up with siblings. Being the oldest of 5, I always had someone to play with or talk to. Never a boring moment in the Osbourn household, let me tell you... But then I try to foresee how I will be able to juggle it all. The tea house takes us a huge chunk of my time and I know that I would never be able to accord the second child the same amount of attention I was able to give Max. One of my commenters on Flickr once wrote that I loved Max too much not to have another child.  At the time, I couldn't believe what she had written... but now 18 months later I feel that I could. This is not an announcement that we are expecting another child but it could happen someday soon. I hold my breath as I type this...

*******

So, 4 days later after I started this entry I am ready to post it. I still love very much what I am doing with my life now. I love being a mother. I love being a wife. I want to be a better friend and a better time manager and I think all will be well.

I have been sitting here trying to figure out a title for this blog entry and nothing is coming to my mind. I have been pretty lax on my blogging lately. Yes, I have been busy but I have had time in the evenings to blog. I often log into Typepad and stair at the Compose New Post page and my fingers are stuck. The ideas I had to blog about during the day when I'm busy baking or serving tea are all lost to me.  No time to jot them down in my moleskine. Fingers often covered in scone dough or cookie batter so I can't type. And then sometime I blog block myself by thinking that what I have to say is uninteresting and who would be interested in what I have been up to?

I think I'm just too much in my head and just need to write down my thoughts so I can access them later in time.

 - Today, I walked down a freshly rain soaked cobblestone sidewalk on my way to the tea house carrying a bouquet of sunflowers, two freshly baked baguettes and today's Le Parisien.

 - I met two readers of my blog today. One person a lurker from San Francisco who has never commented on my blog who found my through another friend's blog who had linked about the tea house.   The other visitor a woman and her husband from Vancouver who has been reading my blogs for years and leaves the most wonderful comments some which have really helped me through some dark times in my life and brought smiles to replace the tears.  I was thrilled to meet her. Hugs were given. She knit and enjoyed my homemade carrot cake. Really lovely to put a face to the familiar name that often appears in my comments.

 - I baked cream scones today. Seriously, these are the best scones I've ever made. I also learned from a customer who happened to be from Australia about Devonshire Tea. I am going to rename my Thé Gourmand, Devonshire Tea instead. And perhaps I will adapt the Aussie way to pronounce scone as /skɒn/ like as in John. Just because it's so cute. But I will not be making Vegemite scones as the woman suggested I could. My taste buds have not yet gotten used to the unique taste of Vegemite.

 - I thought about how I am a mother. Last weekend was mother's day in France and to hear my husband wish my Bonne Fete de Mamans made me feel really good. This role of mother is the most natural role my life has taken to date.  Through all my fears and worries in the beginning I can easily say that I am really glad that I became a Maman when I did. It was the hardest period of my life. I had just lost my mother and knowing myself I had to challenge myself. Challenge myself to advance and live life. And I knew that my mother wouldn't want it any other way.

Just a few of my thought today... enough to blog about? Who knows. But I do want to remember these moments.

I am a selfish mom sometimes

Another Thursday with Max has come and gone. He's fast sleep in the next room. I am laying in bed getting subtle relief from the Advil I took for my migraine. Although I've had this migraine all day today, I didn't realize it was happening until after I put Max to bed. When I am with Max nothing else really matters. I miss phone calls. I forget to check the mail. I don't do the dishes. I am only with him.  Thursdays are the highlight of my week.

Today, Max had a quick visit to the doctors. Over the long weekend he had a fever for a few days but Julien and I just assumed he was teething. He had been drooling a lot over the weekend and his cheeks were red. Noting else seemed out of the ordinary so I didn't worry. But then on Monday a few spots showed up all over his body. Chicken pox? Maybe it was for real this time? But something about the way these bumps looked did not say chicken pox to me.  And the doctor confirmed that they were not but instead Max had the tail end of Roseola. The doctor reassured me there was nothing to worry about and that in a few days the spots would be completely gone.

After spending the afternoon riding trains, playing with friends, making a mess in a toy store and riding more trains we made it home. Dinner, bath and bed. I find myself trying to relaxing with a migraine.  I lay in bed right now thinking about today and remembered soemthing new Max did today. When I push the stroller I often talk to Max and explain to him things I see. Sometimes I sing silly songs I make up. Or we play a game where he repeats what I say.  If there is a moment when I haven't said anything, Max yells,  "Ma ma?!?" The last syllable of Ma ma raised as he saying,"are you there?" And I always respond, "Yes, Max... I am here." And our conversation starts again.

Another new thing he's started doing is when we're on the metro and I am sitting next to him he reaches over and grabs my hand and pulls it close to his face and cuddles it.  I tickle the soft baby skin of his neck and he smiles and rests his cheek against my palm. Warms my heart through and through....

We are waiting to hear if Max will have a place in the Creche this fall.  If he does get a spot then that  means he will be in day care full time and our Thursdays together will probably come to an end. I think I am secretly hoping that he won't get a spot but financially speaking it will be the best thing for our family. The nanny is expensive. I am still getting used to being a full time working mom.  I have moments when the guilt of being away from Max overwhelms me to the point that sometimes I come home from work and rush back to Max's room and scoop up his sleeping form and cuddle him in my arms.  Most nights I can refrain from doing that and just stand at the door and listen to him sleep. But sometimes it's just plus fort que moi...

I know this will get easier in time... I just need some more time.

A new tooth popped out...

and I missed it....

The separation from Max is a lot harder than I realized it would be. I kept reminding myself that this would be so good for Max. Good for him to be around other children. A wonderful growing experience.  During his first week, the adaptation week, I cried everyday after I dropped him off. Only one day was it so bad that I broke down in front of Tata.  Now Max has been going to Tata's for two weeks and he seems to really love it. I feel a tinge of jealousy when I drop him off, seeing Tata scoop him up and give him a hug.  I am standing at the door watching someone else take care of my child.  This is the price I pay to pursue my dream.

Do I sound bitter? I feel a little bit bitter. Are these feelings I have normal? I have to think that they are. I just don't know how to deal with them just yet. I think that if I can get my Thursdays organized and prioritized, I can make the most of this day with Max perhaps this bitterness will go away. 

Last night, Max woke up crying and he only wanted his father.  I went to him first because  I hadn't seen him the entire day. When he saw me he cried even harder and moaned for "da da". Julien came and scooped him up and he stopped crying.  Is this his way of telling me he having a hard time adjusting? Two hours later, he finally let me hold him. I was on the brink of tears because I so desperately needed to hold my baby.  He collapsed into my arms and let me rock him while he sucked his thumb. Does he forgive me for leaving him during the day?

I am worn and ragged around the edges and I'm just starting this adventure. No one said it would be easy this dream of mine...Like I really asked around but this is my naive self talkin' here who didn't realize what it'd feel like to miss my son's new tooth. I guess I better prepare myself for other firsts I am bound to miss... but dang it, I hope that I catch a few on my days off with Max.

How to juggle it all?

I work everyday of the week now. Just like I did when I was a stay at home mom with Max. Granted the work I do now is very much different than mothering and nurturing Max everyday.  Harder? I wouldn't say so. Different. Yes, indeed. 

Now I guess I am considered a full time working mom. I work six days a week and have one day (Thursdays) off  from the café.  Max goes to the baby sitters 4 days a week and we spend Thursdays together.  I find that even though I am not physically working in the café, I am still doing café work at home (planning, sewing, calling suppliers, running errands etc..) on my day off and on top of that taking care of Max. 

I need to learn to juggle. Toute de suite!

Right now the apartment is a huge disaster area. The kitchen is a mess. The hall way is a mess. Our bedroom is a mess. Laundry piled all over the place.  I have no idea where to start.  Thursdays is also my day to clean as well.

So, let's see here... on Thursdays:

- Max.
- I get things done for the café that I can't get done every other day of the week.
- I need to clean the apartment.
- Figure out dinner situation for the rest of the coming week.
- Run family errands.

What would I like to do on Thursdays? I guess all of the above and try to find some time to relax.  Right now I am battling a wicked sinus infection and what I really NEED to do it sleep but I can not because of well that list of things up above which looms in my mind.

How do you juggle it all?  Sure, I can let things go like cleaning the apt but after a while it has to be done.  And yes, we can eat take out for dinner but we can't do that every night. Remember Le Muffin Maximus... I'm still trying to tame the beast.

Sigh.

Max isn't having it with the nap today. So, my chance of taking a quick one probably won't happen either.
Give me some time and maybe I'll figure it out but for now... I'm completely lost on how you full time working moms do it. Could you share your secrets with this newbie mama, please?

Testing 1, 2, 4...

I mean 3.

This pretty much sums up the state of my mind right now. I can't count straight. I can't see straight. I am dead tired.

We got back from the United States on Sunday.  I was glad to be back in France. I missed our home. The US has become a place to visit for me now. I like it that way. 

So, back to my state of mind. I am tired. I am extended beyond my capacities.  I type this at 2:15am and my son is not asleep. Jet lag. Certainly. Stubbornness. Most definitely. But you say to yourself, "oh this will pass once he's over the jet lag". Let me tell you this: he has been doing this screaming at 2am for the past month. In central time zone and then the mountain time zone and now in 0 +1 or Paris/Amsterdam time zone at 2 am, the boy screams.  I just timed him with two interventions from mama, Max just screamed his head off for nearly three hours. Not crying. Not the wind down crying. Screaming. A scream so loud that it wakes my husband up and he is wearing ear plugs.

Our trip to the US? Almost a bust. I was so happy to see my family especially my aunt and uncle that came from far to meet Max. Christmas eve was wonderful. I loved seeing Max with his cousins who are the same age play together. They will have so much fun growing up together.

But right now another trip to the US is the furthest thing from my mind. Another trip anywhere just isn't even fathomable.  You know what else I've been thinking about? Not another child!*

Now it's been three hours after the scream fest started and I think I can go to bed. I hear my son hiccuping from crying and sucking his thumb. Perhaps sleep will envelope him and he will dream sweet baby dreams? More on our trip to the US soon...

Good night!

*Ask me again in a few months.

I have crazy ideas sometimes.

Not the best photo taken but I was cooking dinner, washing dishes and trying to keep my very active, attention needy son busy.  He's been biting into everything lately, including me so I had to find something that would ease his teething pains and that he would not get bored with.

I hacked this carrot using a pacifier ring. Attached it  to his shirt et voila! I got 20 minutes of quiet time from Maximlien so that I could finish dinner and well relax.

It's pretty self explanatory how it works: Big, fat carrot + Pacifier ring = Mama not going crazy from picking up carrot off the floor every 5 seconds. Give it a try... ;)

8 Mois

Dear Maximilien,

You are eight months old today.

I write that and pause to look at what I just typed and think, "Thank god we got through that month!". Needless to say, it's been a long month. Lots of things have happened over the past four weeks. Where shall I start? Your grandfather and Beck-ma came to visit you, you were baptized, you teethed all month and pushed through the biggest tooth I've ever seen in a baby's mouth. Now when you smile you look like you got in a fight and someone knocked out all your teeth. You started to creep and then crawl and now you are in crawling overdrive. It scares me. You pull yourself up to standing on everything. And I mean everything: your bed, my leg, our bed, dirty laundry baskets, clean laundry baskets, the washing machine, the toilet, the shower, the front door, the heaters, okay pretty much anything you can get your strong little mitts on you try to pull yourself up to standing.  and you know what this means? You fall down a lot. At first I was freaking out and following you all over the apartment staying within a few inches of you so I could catch you if you fell. But then my back went out and I thought he needs to bonk his head a few times and maybe that will teach him something.  Well, I've lost count of how many times you've fallen down and bonked your head. Now when it happens you act like nothing happened. You look at me like, "Stop, freaking out woman and pick me up so I can do it again." Yes, you give your mother the look your father gives me of, "I do whatever I want because I am French".  Like father, like son.

Obviously, you want to walk. I get that. So, we got you a walker. And guess what, when we put you in it, you just stand there. And scream. Oh yeah, that is a new thing too, the screaming. It kind of sounds like you are saying, "Hey". But after 20 minutes of shrill baby heys it's not so endearing anymore. But we love you so much and a little (or a lot) of screaming won't ever change that.

Your baptism was really fun. It was an extremely long day for you but you were gracious and smiled for everyone.  Nearly everyone on your Papa's side of the family came for your big day. You met your great grand parents, great uncles and aunts, cousins and more cousins.  Your uncle Benjamin is your godfather and your aunt Elizabeth is your godmother.   Both of your godparents love you very much and will always be there for you no matter what.  I know that your halomoni in heaven is very proud of you and was there in spirit supporting you for your big day.

As you become more adventurous you have become less sure of yourself. Your willingness to dare to try new things surprises me everyday  but as soon as you've pulled yourself up onto something new you look to me and cry because you not sure of what you've done.   You search for security in my arms and I am your mama and willing to give in to you. A mistake perhaps but you are my first born and with all firsts we learn the most important lessons.

Happy 8th month!

Love,
Mama

Should I be worried...

that my son just pulled himself up to standing using a pile of  laundry. Or that I have a pile of laundry that is big enough (and sturdy enough) for him to pull himself up on.

This child of mine

Is growing up too fast.

What just happened?

The world must be off its axis or something because Maximilien just slept for 12 hours straight last night. And 8+ hours the last two nights.

And he napped twice yesterday OUTSIDE of his bed. He's NEVER done that.

I'm not going to let myself make the mistake of getting used to this because the fact that I am typing this on my blog may jinx us and we'll start the sleepless nights yet again.

Getting back to our normal routine

I think it's the same for everyone no matter where you live when out of town guest come to visit your daily life is put on hold. It can be disruptive especially for a baby who is used to his naps in his own bed and early dinners in a relatively quiet kitchen. But Maximilien did pretty well going out to dinner nearly every weekend. It helped a lot that my father brought with him an awesome portable high chair that we used while dining out. Paris restaurants won't always have seating for infants and Max is too mobile to sit on our laps anymore. The high chair folds down and we were able to strap it onto the MacLaren without it bothering the person pushing the stroller. Since we were constantly eating out I opted to feed Max jar food from the grocery store. I had visions before Max was born that I'd make all his food for him. Well, things didn't work out as I had planned. In the beginning, Max actually preferred jarred food over what I was making him. It perplexed me. But it turns out that he just wasn't really into solids yet. Now nearing the 7.5 month mark, he's really into solid foods. I no longer puree his foods. I just use my food processor or robot as the French say to mash up his food and he eats eagerly. Last night I made fish cakes for Julien and I and I used the potatoes, fish and green beans from the recipe for Max's dinner. I just cooked the fish in the leftover water from the pressure cooker and then threw everything in the robot. In case you're curious, I made Max perch. We'll try salmon soon. He absolutely adored the fish. Seafood lover like his Mama and Papa. Another new thing has been Quinoa and rice cakes have been good for fussy moments. They are entertaining and he enjoys trying to eat them. Though he mostly sucks on them and they dissolve in his mouth.

I have also started him on rice cereal for breakfast.  Another quinoa and rice melange that I found at the new organic coop by my house. I have been using formula to make the cereal and like a true French child he drinks his breakfast from a bowl albeit Mama has to be the one to hold the bowl for him. For a few months now Max has refused to take a bottle of any sort. It sort of coincided with the moment we started solids and eliminated his extra bottle of breast milk at bed time. My stash of breast milk in the freezer has long been used and the breast pump returned.   Nearly 8 months into breast feeding I am starting feel ready to get my body back. I will keep it up until Maximilien is one  but I am preparing him for the transition to happen after his first birthday in March.  Getting him to take formula with his cereal has been a little mini victory for me because before he literally would spit the formula out all over the place.

I don't know why I was nervous about making the transition to solids but things just happen to work themselves out.  Max nurses less during the day but has been making up for it at night.  Textbook speaking, he is not sleeping through the night. He goes to bed around 7pm and sleeps until one am-ish. Then from there on out it's awake crying to nurse every two hours until around 5am and then he sleeps until around 8am.  I am tired but I don't feel it. I've gotten used to this sporadic sleep every night. I believe the teeth are really bothering him and he's gotten used to Mama's comfort in the middle of the night.  I don't want to take away the comfort I give him at night especially since his teeth are hurting him so much. But I don't know what else I can do.  I've decided to keep on keepin' on. I'm dedicated to breast feeding for the first year of Max's life. After that we'll have to make changes if need be. I am hoping after this second wave of teeth(top two) he (and I) might get a break.

Two weeks of family visiting was fun. Sad to say goodbye in the end.  It does makes me miss the US but I appreciate my life in France. I've finally found my way here. My routine.

 

I feel love, I feel life.

"Oh my love for the first time in my life,
My eyes are wide open..."

Walking today, enjoying the a beautiful, crisp fall day with my son I am overwhelmed with love for him as he turns his head as far as he can to look up at me from the Maclaren. He flashes me a half gummy, two toothed smile.  He reaches up to me. I grasp his hand. He laughs. My senses are flooded with so much love. 

I come home to find the power is back on in my apartment. It's been out all day. And I find an email from my husband timed just as the power was due to come on telling me that he loved me.

And I happened to open iTunes and randomly John Lennon's Oh My Love plays. Such a perfect song to explain what I feel. How beautifully Lennon phrases how simply life can be so full with just love.

Getting a little taste....

I am babysitting my son's buddy, Max, today.  It's giving me a little taste of what it would be like to have two little beings to care for. I often dreamt while I was pregnant with Maximilien that I was going to have twins. I felt like I was so big that there had to be two babies in there.

Right now both babies are sleeping. It was amazingly easy to get them down. I put my Maximilien down first. I nursed him while Max Marcel played on the play gym. I then took Max and put him the pack 'n play in our living room while I prepared his bottle.  I was wondering how he's take a bottle from me, someone other than his Mama. But he did pretty well. So far no tears. I put Max Marcel down and off to sleep he went.

While I blog this I'm making their lunch: sweet potatoes and organic apple compote. I have time to blog and then fold laundry. 

I prepared myself for today by saying that if one baby cries or both cry it's going to be okay. My Max cries and it doesn't necessarily mean he's sad, he's just expressing himself and I have learned that. So, with this attitude that crying is ok and I don't need to stress myself over it it turns out that neither babies have cried today. But the day has just started, we'll see how the afternoon goes. :)

So, I am sitting here thinking... two babies? Hell yeah! I can do it!  A sweet smile sneaks across my face as baby fever rises in me but Julien and I have a plan. Like I mentioned before, there are some things in the works. So for now, I will just enjoy having both babies in my presence.

Let's add solids to the routine, shall we?

We are full force into baby food in our house. It took a little while for Max to get used to the textures but now he's excited to try new things. Like a baby bird with his mouth open, he sits and waits until I spoon in the next bite. Since we've started solids as a dinner time thing, the evening extra bottle of breast milk has gone away.  Our new evening ritual is to strip down to his diaper for dinner, he gets one veggie and half a fruit helping. I let him explore feeding himself. More times the food ends up in his hair or on me but he is learning and getting better at putting the spoon in his mouth. Then it is bath time, a book and finally he nurses before bed. Before we started solids it was pretty much the same routine except he'd nurse before bath and then get a bottle before bed. Usually after he'd finish off his bottle, he'd cry out for more.  I'd let him top himself off on the breast and then he'd be ready for bed.  Now he seems much more satisfied and zen before bed. I like that. :)

This week we started gouter. Or as the French call afternoon snack time. Traditionally this around 4-5pm, kids will have an after school snack of tartines of nutella, a fruit and a bowl of milk or juice.  Of course, we'd like to stick to the tradition of nutella and baguette that my husband grew up with. But it's a little too early for Max to try nutella. Though Max is all about the baguette! So  for now we are going to stick with fruit purée.  This week we had banana and prunes. Also, gouter is my way of transitioning through the late afternoon nap (or nap #3) for Max.  I can see that it is starting to phase out already!  Soon, I'd like to have gouter while we are on our afternoon walks.  Maybe I'll start a gouter group where we can meet up with other kids and have gouter in a park in Paris.      

This weekend I am visiting a friend and am hoping to get inspired on new "dishes" I can make for Max.  I've had a few hits but mostly misses making my own food for Max. But I'm inexperienced and am still learning.  For now, Max has been eating organic baby food I found at my local bio marché.  I've also started getting an organic basket of fruits and vegetables from Le Campanier every week in an effort for Julien and I to eat better. I know I that will give me ideas for new purées to try out on Max.

Mama's milk is still his main source of nutrition. And I can tell he prefers that over everything else. I don't blame him! :)

Veggies Max loves:

Carrots
Broccoli
Pumpkin (Potiron)

Fruits:

Nectarines
Peaches
Banana
Prunes

On our to try list:

Tofu (in cubes)
Zucchini (again)
Sweet potatoes

What foods have you been feeing your babies or fed your babies in the past? When did you start giving them actual bits to try to eat? I ask this because I can tell that Max is more interested in feeding himself then being fed by Mama.

Back in those jeans but...

I have what they call a muffin top. The mama muffin top.

Legs look good.
Butt looks good.
Pants close like they are supposed to.

But....

the soft spillage over the top, I don't think I can do anything about it.

And I'm okay with that.

Mama gets to indulge her sweet tooth

I'm not one to go to fancy restaurants unless I'm being invited for a special occasion. I prefer my local haunts in the 13th where it feels like I'm eating dinner in someone's home rather then being presented a piece of art that is food. But funny as I avoid fancy restaurants I found myself this week in the midst of decadence and utter "French-ness". My father-in-law was in town for business and wanted to take my husband, Max and I out for drinks near where he'd be having his business dinner.  He said let's meet at La Durée near La Madeleine.  I had vaguely heard of La Durée but I knew that the neighborhood of La Madeleine was chic. Last year for work I had to go there once a week and would walk by the designer shops and admire the season's fashions and look at the L'Eglise La Madeleine and tell myself that I needed to go in someday and visit.

Well, La Durée was a lovely experience. Not a restaurant but more of  a pastry shop full of history literally down to the building where the shop is located. They are famous for their macaroons.   Max entertained the server by trying to eat the marble topped tables. She acted like it was cute but I sense she was a bit outré at the sight of a child drooling all over the place. As I tried to keep Max under control I kept getting these looks from other women in the shop. Perhaps we were disturbing them? Max was babbling away very loudly. Maybe French mamas don't bring their kids to places like this. I looked over at my father in law and he took Max from me and played with him loudly. It didn't matter to him that Max was being loud, so I quickly forgot about those women looking at me. Instead I enjoyed my cocktail de fruits pressée and dove into the lovely plate of macaroons my father-in-law had ordered Julien and I. 

Definitely felt like I was in a "so French" moment. Even my father in law admitted that it wasn't a regular place he would visit when he came to Paris but every once in a while having something decadent is fun.

Utter cuteness

I'm sitting here reading morning emails, my son is waking up quietly in his bed. He rolls over and starts talking to himself. I peek in to see what he's doing. He's having a conversation with the animals that hang from his leaf canopy. I surf Flickr for a few minutes and then I hear silence. I peek in again and find him rolled over on his stomach and he's asleep! 

So adorable it makes my heart swell.

Now, if he could do this at 3am that would be awesome. :)

I forsee sleep in the near future.

<
Mmmm, carrots are good.

We're trying a new nightly routine for Max. After his late afternoon nap, we load up in the stroller for a walk and I run my errands like grocery shopping and pharmacy runs and we stroll in the park near our house and watch the kids play basketball and ping pong. We come home and we strip down naked for dinner (max does anyways) with one solid and mama's milk, a bath, a book and the boob. Also, we've pushed bedtime from 6:30pm to 8pm.  This give him a longer awake period before bed and Julien gets a chance to put Max down.  Before with Max's early bedtime Julien could go the entire day without seeing Max at all.

Tonight, he went down like a charm at 8pm and has not stirred once. As I write this entry it's 11:05pm.

Still working out Max's nap schedule, all this week he's woken up at 7am and gone down consistently at 9am for a nap. This is even true on the nights when he wakes up 5 or 6 times. I am making an effort not to go to Max when he wakes up in the middle of the night unless he's been asleep for more than 6 hours. Then I will go and feed him.  I think what happened was when his bottom teeth came in he got used to nursing so much and now wakes up in search of that comfort even if he doesn't necessarily need it. We are shooting for one night feeding. Two maximum. 

I know that he is still teething, his top teeth are visible so I have pumped up the chamomilla vulgaris and have been giving him some at each diaper change.  He really loves sucking on the little granules.  I am absolutely enchanted with homeopathic remedies. And have started him on some jalapa in the evenings to help with his restlessness.   I'll write more on homeopathy later and share all the remedies we are using chez nous.

That's the sleep update for now.... I'm off to bed. Julien and I have been having a Guinness after he gets home from work. And for the last two days I have to say that I've slept very well.

Edit: The moment I clicked save on this entry, Max woke up. Crying. *sigh*

What we do when we're not sleeping...

I haven't posted a video in a while. Just haven't had time to think about getting the camera out until today. Here's a little clip of Maximilien and I playing on the floor in his room. He really loves the perspective. I often catch him laying on his back staring out the window. Today, we worked on his balance and I wanted to show him that it's okay to fall down.  He's getting braver everyday. He's started dive bombing everything with in his reach.  And he is still all about tasting the world around him.  I love how he looks over to me like he's saying, "Mama, watch this!" or "Look what I can do".  Everyday is a new adventure for us. Even though I lack sleep I somehow find the energy to do the mom thing.  Just looking at my son fills me with this energy I've never had before. 

Sitting up, getting stronger, being braver from PutYourFlareOn and Vimeo.

Aching

As I sit here and type this my body is aching from the lack of sleep. Maximilien is on a sleep strike. And last night he pulled his grandest coup ever, awake at midnight then 2am, 3am, 4am gave us a break at 5am and then up and ready to go at 6am.  It's 7:30am right now. He's been laying in his bed awake for nearly an hour now.

What is the deal?! 

He was sleeping 10-12 hours straight a night up until about two weeks ago.  Has our luck run out?  I can not wait until he can talk to tell me what is going on in his little world? Maybe it's the teeth but they are out. I obsessively check his mouth now to see if there are others making their way down but no dice just those two little ones on the bottom. Those two little dents de laits  that have changed things so drastically lately.

I thought I was done being that crazy sleep deprived zombie mama.

Just now, I stop to listen and I hear silence coming from Max's room. I rushed to check to make sure all was alright (I still do it, I don't think mama ever stop doing this, right?). The little booger finally fell asleep. Spread eagle, head wedged in the corner of his crib.

Sleep, baby. Sleep...

Teething + lack of sleep + sickness + guilt = bummed out mama

It's 11am. We just got up. That's pretty late for us. Maximilien usually wakes up at 8am ready to eat and play. He's had a tooth make an appearance this week and looking even closer there is a second one coming in! For 5 days now it's been late night feedings sometimes every two hours to calm him during this uncomfortable time.  Man, it reminds me of those first few weeks after getting home from clinic. Yes, I am that tired. My body isn't broken but I am so exhausted. It takes me forever to get to sleep and by the time I do fall off, Max is stirring again and in search of some mama comfort.

And on top of the fatigue, I'm sick. I don't know what I ate but it's made me sick and I spent the better half of the night in the bathroom instead of my bed sleeping. So, last night it was baby, pump, bathroom and a little bed time. And we're leaving for the Alps today for a mini vacation tonight. Not really a vacation for me because when am I never on? More so for Julien which he really needs and I'm glad to get away from Paris too. And every time we go to the mountains I feel better. Fresh air vs. pollution. No questions asked. This will be the first visit of many for Max. Just a bummer that the teeth decided to make an appearance this weekend.

So, we're going to the mountains... and I'm thinking cold weather, better dress warmly... this time last year I was pregnant and already not fitting into my regular clothes anymore. Well, I still don't fit into my pre-pregnant clothes. Granted I haven't been working too hard at dropping the pounds. In all honestly, I can't find the time during the day to exercise. And breast feeding leaves me hungry all the time so I haven't been eating any less. I am making excuses. It just bums me out.  Julien said something that kinda made me feel bad about how I could just wear my sweat pants and my polar fleece all weekend because I'm a mama. It's like he was saying I have an excuse to look like shit. I generally don't like to look like shit but I have my days where I made bed head my new hairstyle but the idea of wearing sweats and a polar fleece all weekend because I'm a mama made me feel bad. 

Sigh. Just another thing to add to my list of things to do.  Is it just me or has my to-do list gotten way longer since I became a mama.

And on top of all this I'm sick. Oh, yeah I mentioned that. I'm sorta out of it with the lack of sleep. All I feel like doing is laying in bed and sleeping and I can't. I have this little guy depending on me. He's sitting on the bed mashing chew toys into his face as type this. I look over at him and he reaches towards me (a new thing he's started), smiles and blows zerberts at me and I feel guilty for sitting here typing this entry. He's fine. He's playing with his toys. Why do I feel so bad?  Where is the balance?! Why can't I find the balance?  Why do I feel so guilty?

I'll be sans computer for 5 days. Which will be nice but I'm taking my journal with me and going to write down my thoughts the old school way. Maybe I can figure out why I'm so hard on myself.  I've never been so down on myself like this in my entire life. Wanting to have the best for Max is making me sacrifice everything else in my life. I know that this is not good. Must...find...the...balance.

I wish I could figure out how to blog and pump at the same time.

Yeah, lots of breast talk going on right now on my blog. Well, that pretty much is my main thought after Maximilien and my husband.  And this is my blog, so I can talk about whatever I want. :) It is so cool that so many of you are so willing to discuss. So here's a little ditty I've been dealing over the last week...

I've noticed  sudden change in my son's behavior before bed. Meaning that he cries hysterically and tries to eat his hands incessantly.  You guessed it, he's hungry.  I've been suspecting something going on with my breasts since we got back from the US early June.  My milk supply wasn't as abundant as it had been since Max's birth but I chalked that up to my body regulating itself and making the amount of milk that Max needed. But then something strange started happening, my left breast wasn't producing as much milk as my right. It became so obvious that my right breast was bigger than my left. Talk about weird when I'd look at myself in the mirror. I completely stopped having a let down on my left side. It's like my left breast went back to being itself like it was before I became pregnant.

So essentially since  July, Max has been living off one boob. :)

Weight issues came up at his three month check up. He gained nearly half of what he gained the month before. It was even less the next month and that was when we started having the poop issues. And this last month he only gained 380g when on average he should be gaining 500g a month, according to Max's pediatrician and what I read on Kelly Mom (great website, btw).  But he kept shooting up in height and that reassured me and the doctor that all was well. Max was happy and sleeping well up until about three days ago.

I've noticed when he nurses he pulls off almost every time and cries from frustration. I have to keep nudging him to take the breast again. Hoping that I'd have a let down to satisfy him. After two days of this I sent Julien out for formula last night because I wasn't going to have a starving baby and he needed sleep.

For the last two days I've breast fed him and given him 80cl of formula and it seems to be enough for him. He pulls off from the bottle happy and ready to go to bed.

But this worries me about my milk supply.  I've read the La Leche League website about low milk supply and it seems like they don't like to say that a mother has low milk supply unless it's the final straw. They talk about doing breast compressions (tried it), working on latch (done that), nursing more which is hard because when nothing comes out Max doesn't want to nurse so that doesn't work and pumping more.  So with the latter, I called my doctor and got a prescription for a hospital grade electric pump and it was delivered to my apartment today.  I'm going to go pump before bed tonight and then set my alarm and pump again in the middle of the night to see what I can get. 

I may sound a little desperate because I do feel a little bit desperate. And disappointed.  I don't understand what is happening to my body but I sense something has changed recently.  I know it's okay to let Max have formula but it goes against my plan to breast feed him because for me I feel like that is what is best for my baby. 

Even Max knows the difference. He sort of rejects the bottle of formula the first few times we try to give it to him but then he gives in.  Maybe it's my imagination but I believe he knows the difference. But it satisfies him enough at night for him to go to sleep and that's what is important right now.

So my play list of songs tonight include some Beatles, Frou Frou and a the woosh woosh from the breast pump. I'm off to make this work...

Any advice or experience with this that you'd like to share, I'd love to hear it. I'm still waiting for someone from the LLL to write me back. Kinda bummed that no one's written me back yet.

Also, has anyone given their 5 month old baby soy milk? Just curious...

Where is it appropriate to feed your baby?

I'd like to start of by saying that I am thrilled that we had such an open (non-aggressive) conversation about breast feeding and formula feeding. Perhaps those aggressive types are not reading my blog but I feel like we've opened a very nice dialog here and I wanted to thank you all for sharing your thoughts.  We need to hear more real stories like this to show that there are choices to be made and no one should be passing judgment. Who are we to judge one another? We should be supporting one another!

A non mama posted a very good question in my comments in my last entry that I wanted to open up for discussion.  She asked, "Where is it appropriate to feed?". I am making the supposition that she means to breast feed?  I personally believe that anywhere you can bottle feed your baby you should be able to breast feed your baby.  Unfortunately, society has other ideas. Again, why?

Back in June I has some slight fears about breast feeding in public. I was traveling back to the US to introduce Maximilien to my family. And I was a little afraid to breast feed in public due to some (horror) stories I had heard in the news. Stories of women being kicked out of restaurants and places like Target and Victoria's Secret for breast feeding their child.  The Victoria's Secret really stood out, hello there are boobs all over that place. I digress... anyway, my friend suggested that I educate myself on the laws of the states I was going to be visiting about breast feeding in public. Some states actually ban it in public places. Some states don't have any laws at all concerning breast feeding  Here's the list of states that allow and the specific language for each of their state laws. I was going to Virgina and their state law says that a women is free to breast feed on any state own property.

There was only one time I needed to breast feed Max in public and that was in Target while my aunt and I had sat down to have a cool drink. I came prepared with my Maya wrap and I used to shield any part of my body that might offend. I refuse to cover my baby up while he is feeding. He nursed for thirty minutes while I enjoyed my drink and conversation with my aunt and nothing happened.

What has been your experience breast feeding in public? And what are your thoughts on this matter?

Starring Maximilien...

I love books. I hope that Max will grow up loving books as much a I do. We already have a couple favorites that we read everyday. I see the wonderment in his eyes as he looks at the colors and I love watching his feet kick as I read about the very hungry caterpillar and his journey to become a butterfly.

I found this surfing the Internet when I should be fast asleep (It's 3am in Paris):

Make a storybook starring your own child! What a great idea to encourage your kids to read more. Who wouldn't want to read a story and see your own face?  I've made a basic one for Max as the other stories are more geared towards toddlers.  Your first eBook version is free!  Make your own here at https://www.imagitales.com

 

Alright, this mama is off to bed now!

"Breast is Best" is not a good enough argument.

I was reading over at Strollerderby about their heated discussion about breast vs. bottle and the seeming lack of support that women get in the US after having a baby. It got me thinking about those first few days after Maximilien was born and wondering how different things would have been for me if I had given birth to him in the US.   

I remember about the 4th night at around 4am I had been up with Max trying to feed him and calm him down and utterly failing at both.  It seemed like he had been crying for hours.  My milk had not come in and I was sore, sleep deprived and emotional.  The night baby nurse came to check on us and found me slumped over crying and holding Max against my broken body.  I had no idea what to do.  And all she did was sit with me while I cried and put her hand on my back and said nothing. We sat like that for at least 15 minutes until I finally was able to say something.   I expressed my frustration that I was unable to nurse Max and satisfy him and that I felt like a failure.  She pulled a bottle of formula out of her pocket and said to me simply, "you will not be a bad mother if you feed your baby formula."  I fed Max 20cl of formula. And he went right to sleep.  She put him in his bassinet and offered to take him to the nursery so I could sleep.  I told her I would sleep better if he was with me. She said then in that case that she'd be back in an hour to check on us.  I was fast asleep and never heard her come in to check on us but when I awoke that morning because my milk had come in there was a little noted that said "Courage" on it and a little bottle of forumla right next to it.   I got up to take a hot shower to relieve some of the pressure from engorgement and when I came out of the shower  the night baby nurse was there. She had gotten off her shift and on her way home stopped in to see if we were doing alright.  I told her that my milk had come in and I felt better after getting a few hours of sleep. We sat on the bed and she watched as Max latched on. She showed me a few tricks to try to get him to open his mouth and we sat there while Max nursed his little heart out. Before she left she told me I must always follow my instincts.

I don't know if things would have been different if I had to of gone through that scary night alone.   I feel lucky that she was there because I honestly think I may have given up.  What she said stuck with me because less than three weeks later I had mastitis and  fell terribly sick.  My right breast was engorged and I had to take antibiotics to rid my body of the infection. Max hadn't had a good feeding in two days and he was crying  non-stop. I remember sending Julien out to the store to get formula and you know what? I felt fine about it. I supplemented Max with formula while I was taking my antibiotics and then switch back to the breast exclusively. And all was well again.

Getting back to the Strollerderby debate on breastfeeding, I feel like there are too many people try to enforce the benefits of breast feeding by simply saying "Breast is best!" and stopping there.  I believe that the stigma that breast feeding has could be avoided if women were educated on the choices they could make and if they got the proper support that they need. 

About a month ago I started to doubt my milk production because Max hadn't gained enough weight and his doctor asked me if I was making enough milk. In the moment it freaked me out. After getting home and thinking about it, I felt like it was unfair for the doctor to ask me a question like that. I emailed my local La Leche League office and asked my questions about the possibility of milk  production dropping off.   The response I got was a little bossy so to speak. I had written that we had given Max the bottle a few times (with breast milk) and the person wrote back saying that I should avoid all together the bottle because that could sabotage my milk production and that "Breast was best!". That was all the argument she gave me.  I felt disappointed  because she could have been more diplomatic in her response.  She never talked to me once about doing supplemental pumping to increase my milk supply.  I tried for a few days to follow her advice and not give the bottle but it didn't work. Instead I followed my own instincts and found my own system to feed Max with a bottle of breast milk at night and I pump after he goes to bed and try to pump once more during the day during one of his nap times. 

I speak only from my own point of view and I honestly believed the first few days of Max's life  I was going to fail as a mother because I wasn't going to be able to breast feed.  Sure, there were external factors playing into things like I just had major surgery, I was suffering from post partum depression and the anxiety of becoming a mother.  Breast feeding did not come easily to me. I had cracked nipples that bled, blisters and delayed milk production. All these things can play tricks on your mind but I had great support from the midwives, my doctor, my husband and friends.   And for me that made all the difference.

Boy, this turned out to be a long entry... Max is napping and I should be pumping. I better get to it. :)