PutYourFlareOn

A new tooth popped out...

and I missed it....

The separation from Max is a lot harder than I realized it would be. I kept reminding myself that this would be so good for Max. Good for him to be around other children. A wonderful growing experience.  During his first week, the adaptation week, I cried everyday after I dropped him off. Only one day was it so bad that I broke down in front of Tata.  Now Max has been going to Tata's for two weeks and he seems to really love it. I feel a tinge of jealousy when I drop him off, seeing Tata scoop him up and give him a hug.  I am standing at the door watching someone else take care of my child.  This is the price I pay to pursue my dream.

Do I sound bitter? I feel a little bit bitter. Are these feelings I have normal? I have to think that they are. I just don't know how to deal with them just yet. I think that if I can get my Thursdays organized and prioritized, I can make the most of this day with Max perhaps this bitterness will go away. 

Last night, Max woke up crying and he only wanted his father.  I went to him first because  I hadn't seen him the entire day. When he saw me he cried even harder and moaned for "da da". Julien came and scooped him up and he stopped crying.  Is this his way of telling me he having a hard time adjusting? Two hours later, he finally let me hold him. I was on the brink of tears because I so desperately needed to hold my baby.  He collapsed into my arms and let me rock him while he sucked his thumb. Does he forgive me for leaving him during the day?

I am worn and ragged around the edges and I'm just starting this adventure. No one said it would be easy this dream of mine...Like I really asked around but this is my naive self talkin' here who didn't realize what it'd feel like to miss my son's new tooth. I guess I better prepare myself for other firsts I am bound to miss... but dang it, I hope that I catch a few on my days off with Max.

How to juggle it all?

I work everyday of the week now. Just like I did when I was a stay at home mom with Max. Granted the work I do now is very much different than mothering and nurturing Max everyday.  Harder? I wouldn't say so. Different. Yes, indeed. 

Now I guess I am considered a full time working mom. I work six days a week and have one day (Thursdays) off  from the café.  Max goes to the baby sitters 4 days a week and we spend Thursdays together.  I find that even though I am not physically working in the café, I am still doing café work at home (planning, sewing, calling suppliers, running errands etc..) on my day off and on top of that taking care of Max. 

I need to learn to juggle. Toute de suite!

Right now the apartment is a huge disaster area. The kitchen is a mess. The hall way is a mess. Our bedroom is a mess. Laundry piled all over the place.  I have no idea where to start.  Thursdays is also my day to clean as well.

So, let's see here... on Thursdays:

- Max.
- I get things done for the café that I can't get done every other day of the week.
- I need to clean the apartment.
- Figure out dinner situation for the rest of the coming week.
- Run family errands.

What would I like to do on Thursdays? I guess all of the above and try to find some time to relax.  Right now I am battling a wicked sinus infection and what I really NEED to do it sleep but I can not because of well that list of things up above which looms in my mind.

How do you juggle it all?  Sure, I can let things go like cleaning the apt but after a while it has to be done.  And yes, we can eat take out for dinner but we can't do that every night. Remember Le Muffin Maximus... I'm still trying to tame the beast.

Sigh.

Max isn't having it with the nap today. So, my chance of taking a quick one probably won't happen either.
Give me some time and maybe I'll figure it out but for now... I'm completely lost on how you full time working moms do it. Could you share your secrets with this newbie mama, please?

Testing 1, 2, 4...

I mean 3.

This pretty much sums up the state of my mind right now. I can't count straight. I can't see straight. I am dead tired.

We got back from the United States on Sunday.  I was glad to be back in France. I missed our home. The US has become a place to visit for me now. I like it that way. 

So, back to my state of mind. I am tired. I am extended beyond my capacities.  I type this at 2:15am and my son is not asleep. Jet lag. Certainly. Stubbornness. Most definitely. But you say to yourself, "oh this will pass once he's over the jet lag". Let me tell you this: he has been doing this screaming at 2am for the past month. In central time zone and then the mountain time zone and now in 0 +1 or Paris/Amsterdam time zone at 2 am, the boy screams.  I just timed him with two interventions from mama, Max just screamed his head off for nearly three hours. Not crying. Not the wind down crying. Screaming. A scream so loud that it wakes my husband up and he is wearing ear plugs.

Our trip to the US? Almost a bust. I was so happy to see my family especially my aunt and uncle that came from far to meet Max. Christmas eve was wonderful. I loved seeing Max with his cousins who are the same age play together. They will have so much fun growing up together.

But right now another trip to the US is the furthest thing from my mind. Another trip anywhere just isn't even fathomable.  You know what else I've been thinking about? Not another child!*

Now it's been three hours after the scream fest started and I think I can go to bed. I hear my son hiccuping from crying and sucking his thumb. Perhaps sleep will envelope him and he will dream sweet baby dreams? More on our trip to the US soon...

Good night!

*Ask me again in a few months.

I have crazy ideas sometimes.

Not the best photo taken but I was cooking dinner, washing dishes and trying to keep my very active, attention needy son busy.  He's been biting into everything lately, including me so I had to find something that would ease his teething pains and that he would not get bored with.

I hacked this carrot using a pacifier ring. Attached it  to his shirt et voila! I got 20 minutes of quiet time from Maximlien so that I could finish dinner and well relax.

It's pretty self explanatory how it works: Big, fat carrot + Pacifier ring = Mama not going crazy from picking up carrot off the floor every 5 seconds. Give it a try... ;)

8 Mois

Dear Maximilien,

You are eight months old today.

I write that and pause to look at what I just typed and think, "Thank god we got through that month!". Needless to say, it's been a long month. Lots of things have happened over the past four weeks. Where shall I start? Your grandfather and Beck-ma came to visit you, you were baptized, you teethed all month and pushed through the biggest tooth I've ever seen in a baby's mouth. Now when you smile you look like you got in a fight and someone knocked out all your teeth. You started to creep and then crawl and now you are in crawling overdrive. It scares me. You pull yourself up to standing on everything. And I mean everything: your bed, my leg, our bed, dirty laundry baskets, clean laundry baskets, the washing machine, the toilet, the shower, the front door, the heaters, okay pretty much anything you can get your strong little mitts on you try to pull yourself up to standing.  and you know what this means? You fall down a lot. At first I was freaking out and following you all over the apartment staying within a few inches of you so I could catch you if you fell. But then my back went out and I thought he needs to bonk his head a few times and maybe that will teach him something.  Well, I've lost count of how many times you've fallen down and bonked your head. Now when it happens you act like nothing happened. You look at me like, "Stop, freaking out woman and pick me up so I can do it again." Yes, you give your mother the look your father gives me of, "I do whatever I want because I am French".  Like father, like son.

Obviously, you want to walk. I get that. So, we got you a walker. And guess what, when we put you in it, you just stand there. And scream. Oh yeah, that is a new thing too, the screaming. It kind of sounds like you are saying, "Hey". But after 20 minutes of shrill baby heys it's not so endearing anymore. But we love you so much and a little (or a lot) of screaming won't ever change that.

Your baptism was really fun. It was an extremely long day for you but you were gracious and smiled for everyone.  Nearly everyone on your Papa's side of the family came for your big day. You met your great grand parents, great uncles and aunts, cousins and more cousins.  Your uncle Benjamin is your godfather and your aunt Elizabeth is your godmother.   Both of your godparents love you very much and will always be there for you no matter what.  I know that your halomoni in heaven is very proud of you and was there in spirit supporting you for your big day.

As you become more adventurous you have become less sure of yourself. Your willingness to dare to try new things surprises me everyday  but as soon as you've pulled yourself up onto something new you look to me and cry because you not sure of what you've done.   You search for security in my arms and I am your mama and willing to give in to you. A mistake perhaps but you are my first born and with all firsts we learn the most important lessons.

Happy 8th month!

Love,
Mama

Should I be worried...

that my son just pulled himself up to standing using a pile of  laundry. Or that I have a pile of laundry that is big enough (and sturdy enough) for him to pull himself up on.

This child of mine

Is growing up too fast.

What just happened?

The world must be off its axis or something because Maximilien just slept for 12 hours straight last night. And 8+ hours the last two nights.

And he napped twice yesterday OUTSIDE of his bed. He's NEVER done that.

I'm not going to let myself make the mistake of getting used to this because the fact that I am typing this on my blog may jinx us and we'll start the sleepless nights yet again.

Getting back to our normal routine

I think it's the same for everyone no matter where you live when out of town guest come to visit your daily life is put on hold. It can be disruptive especially for a baby who is used to his naps in his own bed and early dinners in a relatively quiet kitchen. But Maximilien did pretty well going out to dinner nearly every weekend. It helped a lot that my father brought with him an awesome portable high chair that we used while dining out. Paris restaurants won't always have seating for infants and Max is too mobile to sit on our laps anymore. The high chair folds down and we were able to strap it onto the MacLaren without it bothering the person pushing the stroller. Since we were constantly eating out I opted to feed Max jar food from the grocery store. I had visions before Max was born that I'd make all his food for him. Well, things didn't work out as I had planned. In the beginning, Max actually preferred jarred food over what I was making him. It perplexed me. But it turns out that he just wasn't really into solids yet. Now nearing the 7.5 month mark, he's really into solid foods. I no longer puree his foods. I just use my food processor or robot as the French say to mash up his food and he eats eagerly. Last night I made fish cakes for Julien and I and I used the potatoes, fish and green beans from the recipe for Max's dinner. I just cooked the fish in the leftover water from the pressure cooker and then threw everything in the robot. In case you're curious, I made Max perch. We'll try salmon soon. He absolutely adored the fish. Seafood lover like his Mama and Papa. Another new thing has been Quinoa and rice cakes have been good for fussy moments. They are entertaining and he enjoys trying to eat them. Though he mostly sucks on them and they dissolve in his mouth.

I have also started him on rice cereal for breakfast.  Another quinoa and rice melange that I found at the new organic coop by my house. I have been using formula to make the cereal and like a true French child he drinks his breakfast from a bowl albeit Mama has to be the one to hold the bowl for him. For a few months now Max has refused to take a bottle of any sort. It sort of coincided with the moment we started solids and eliminated his extra bottle of breast milk at bed time. My stash of breast milk in the freezer has long been used and the breast pump returned.   Nearly 8 months into breast feeding I am starting feel ready to get my body back. I will keep it up until Maximilien is one  but I am preparing him for the transition to happen after his first birthday in March.  Getting him to take formula with his cereal has been a little mini victory for me because before he literally would spit the formula out all over the place.

I don't know why I was nervous about making the transition to solids but things just happen to work themselves out.  Max nurses less during the day but has been making up for it at night.  Textbook speaking, he is not sleeping through the night. He goes to bed around 7pm and sleeps until one am-ish. Then from there on out it's awake crying to nurse every two hours until around 5am and then he sleeps until around 8am.  I am tired but I don't feel it. I've gotten used to this sporadic sleep every night. I believe the teeth are really bothering him and he's gotten used to Mama's comfort in the middle of the night.  I don't want to take away the comfort I give him at night especially since his teeth are hurting him so much. But I don't know what else I can do.  I've decided to keep on keepin' on. I'm dedicated to breast feeding for the first year of Max's life. After that we'll have to make changes if need be. I am hoping after this second wave of teeth(top two) he (and I) might get a break.

Two weeks of family visiting was fun. Sad to say goodbye in the end.  It does makes me miss the US but I appreciate my life in France. I've finally found my way here. My routine.

 

I feel love, I feel life.

"Oh my love for the first time in my life,
My eyes are wide open..."

Walking today, enjoying the a beautiful, crisp fall day with my son I am overwhelmed with love for him as he turns his head as far as he can to look up at me from the Maclaren. He flashes me a half gummy, two toothed smile.  He reaches up to me. I grasp his hand. He laughs. My senses are flooded with so much love. 

I come home to find the power is back on in my apartment. It's been out all day. And I find an email from my husband timed just as the power was due to come on telling me that he loved me.

And I happened to open iTunes and randomly John Lennon's Oh My Love plays. Such a perfect song to explain what I feel. How beautifully Lennon phrases how simply life can be so full with just love.