PutYourFlareOn

Thursdays with Max

Today, we got up early and ended up having a mid morning nap and then headed to Ikea to pick up some things for the café. I was looking for a curtain for the door way of the café but ended up getting these great square mirrors for the wall by the bathroom. I can't wait to put those up tomorrow.  Picked up some pitchers for drinking water, broke one while unloading the car.  Found a cute little soap dispenser for the bathroom. And that's about it... Had Swedish meatballs for lunch as did Max. We had to keep him from shoving them in his mouth. His chipmunk cheeks sure do hold a lot of grub.

I am in the process of changing the tea cups we use today. But I have yet to find my style. I found a few pieces at Ikea that I liked but then I thought, "This is Ikea." and I remembered some of the bowls we have from Ikea at home and how easily they chip. So, I am looking into some nice-ish porcelain tea sets. Something that is durable and a bit more resistant to chipping that Ikea.

After we dropped off our shopping buddy, we headed to the café and dropped things off then straight home. Max was a good sport until I got the car parked and then it was screaming banshee time.  But we got home in the nick of time, kicked off our shoes and played on the floor in his bedroom. All was well.  We read books and laughed and threw the ball around.  Max is obsessed with balls these days. I layed on the floor watching Max collect the balls from his new toy as he's throw them again and again chasing after them. Endless entertainment.  I couldn't believe how big he looked. He'd see me laying on the floor watching him and he'd crawl over in turbo mode and plant a big wet kiss on my cheek. Cuddle with me and lay next to me for a few on the floor. And then off he'd go and play again...

I am grateful for this day in the week. As tired as I may feel right now the moments we share are priceless.  We played so hard today that after his bath, when he was freshly powdered and dressed he started to fall asleep in my arms. Sucking his thumb and snuggling in the nook of my neck. I can still smell his clean baby smell on my clothes and hands. I can already tell that memories of our Thursdays together will be of laughter and Baby Magic.

Epuisé

Tired.

I am so tired.  Exhausted. Drained. 

But somehow in the morning I find myself recharged and ready to start a new day.  The thought of going to my own kitchen in my own café still floors me. 

Another weekend has come and gone. This time no petage de plomb. It was a weekend full of coffee and couples. Students and sweets. Tea tasting and Twittering.  There was even a moment where both Lydia and I were able to sit down and have lunch together (which is rare). Sunday was fairly quiet, we had a steady stream of customers. .  Right at tea time the skies opened up and started to pour down.  Within in a minute, ALL of our tables were full. It remained full until we closed. I was home by 8:00pm.

If this is my new work routine?  I must say, I absolutely love it.

A new tooth popped out...

and I missed it....

The separation from Max is a lot harder than I realized it would be. I kept reminding myself that this would be so good for Max. Good for him to be around other children. A wonderful growing experience.  During his first week, the adaptation week, I cried everyday after I dropped him off. Only one day was it so bad that I broke down in front of Tata.  Now Max has been going to Tata's for two weeks and he seems to really love it. I feel a tinge of jealousy when I drop him off, seeing Tata scoop him up and give him a hug.  I am standing at the door watching someone else take care of my child.  This is the price I pay to pursue my dream.

Do I sound bitter? I feel a little bit bitter. Are these feelings I have normal? I have to think that they are. I just don't know how to deal with them just yet. I think that if I can get my Thursdays organized and prioritized, I can make the most of this day with Max perhaps this bitterness will go away. 

Last night, Max woke up crying and he only wanted his father.  I went to him first because  I hadn't seen him the entire day. When he saw me he cried even harder and moaned for "da da". Julien came and scooped him up and he stopped crying.  Is this his way of telling me he having a hard time adjusting? Two hours later, he finally let me hold him. I was on the brink of tears because I so desperately needed to hold my baby.  He collapsed into my arms and let me rock him while he sucked his thumb. Does he forgive me for leaving him during the day?

I am worn and ragged around the edges and I'm just starting this adventure. No one said it would be easy this dream of mine...Like I really asked around but this is my naive self talkin' here who didn't realize what it'd feel like to miss my son's new tooth. I guess I better prepare myself for other firsts I am bound to miss... but dang it, I hope that I catch a few on my days off with Max.

How to juggle it all?

I work everyday of the week now. Just like I did when I was a stay at home mom with Max. Granted the work I do now is very much different than mothering and nurturing Max everyday.  Harder? I wouldn't say so. Different. Yes, indeed. 

Now I guess I am considered a full time working mom. I work six days a week and have one day (Thursdays) off  from the café.  Max goes to the baby sitters 4 days a week and we spend Thursdays together.  I find that even though I am not physically working in the café, I am still doing café work at home (planning, sewing, calling suppliers, running errands etc..) on my day off and on top of that taking care of Max. 

I need to learn to juggle. Toute de suite!

Right now the apartment is a huge disaster area. The kitchen is a mess. The hall way is a mess. Our bedroom is a mess. Laundry piled all over the place.  I have no idea where to start.  Thursdays is also my day to clean as well.

So, let's see here... on Thursdays:

- Max.
- I get things done for the café that I can't get done every other day of the week.
- I need to clean the apartment.
- Figure out dinner situation for the rest of the coming week.
- Run family errands.

What would I like to do on Thursdays? I guess all of the above and try to find some time to relax.  Right now I am battling a wicked sinus infection and what I really NEED to do it sleep but I can not because of well that list of things up above which looms in my mind.

How do you juggle it all?  Sure, I can let things go like cleaning the apt but after a while it has to be done.  And yes, we can eat take out for dinner but we can't do that every night. Remember Le Muffin Maximus... I'm still trying to tame the beast.

Sigh.

Max isn't having it with the nap today. So, my chance of taking a quick one probably won't happen either.
Give me some time and maybe I'll figure it out but for now... I'm completely lost on how you full time working moms do it. Could you share your secrets with this newbie mama, please?

Petage de plomb*

*Or to blow a fuse (literally and figuratively)

Yes, it happened while we were in the middle a huge lunch rush. On a Sunday of all days.  For a moment there, the café was plunged into semi darkness. Only the light from the huge windows filtering through.  The clientele seemed unphased and continued on with their leisurely conversations.  A few looking over to me in the kitchen. I smiled and acted like nothing was wrong. Except that we had no lights in the kitchen, no lights in the bathroom, no dish washer and NO OVEN. The no oven part was worrisome as I use the oven to make the main course for the brunch which is the feuilletés and quiche.  While my staff buzzed around me, I continued to make lovely salade composé for the feuilletés that had been ordered. And watched calmly as they started to pull appliances out from the shelves to figure out another way to get some juice to them. A few frantic looks from my girls, I then figured it was time to call Julien. Within 10 minutes he was at the café with Maximilien in tow.  Good thing my lovely friend, Stefanie (Thank you, Stefanie!) and her husband were there to occupy my very busy 12 month old while Julien went to work.  A few minutes later we had light! The buzz of all the appliances surged on and were fully operational. Brunch was saved and all ended well. 

I was pleased to see that the books that I had brought over the night before were getting some use. Customers started pulling down books to thumb through to pass the time.  Exactly what I wanted these books to be used for. A Spanish couple mentioned to me they were happy to find that  had put a Paris guidebook on the shelf. While they waited for their œufs à la coque they jotted down places to visit later that day.

Standing behind the counter during my very first brunch rush was really surreal. I did not see the time pass except for when the fuse blew and those 20 minutes felt like an eternity.  But I kept cool, knowing that if I did not panic my staff would not either. I told everyone to smile and act normal and that all would be just fine.  I have been dubbed "zen" by my two part-time servers.  I like that. 

Butterflies

I've got them. Big time. I feel like it's the first day of school or something. You know how you lay out your outfit for the first day of school. Well, I did the exact same thing. Threadless tee. Black skirt. Haven't decided on the shoes yet but I'll probably wear my old standard Converse All Stars.

The café fridge is packed. We have two of the three shipments of tea. We have good coffee. I'm going to make a mini fondant au chocolat this morning. I think we're ready to go...

I'll be twittering today from my cell phone as we do not have Internet.... yet. 

Have a good day, everyone! And if you're in Paris, stop by and say hi and stay a while. :)

It's official!

Today has been the longest day ever.  My feet are swollen from all the running around today. Les impots, la banque, les impots, Metro, the lawyers office....  My head is swimming in fatigue. My cuticals are in a horrible state due from all the stress. But it's all over now... we've signed the sale of the café. The owner has officially passed the keys to me. The keys to my dream!

We shopped (in awe) at Metro today and bought supplies and goodies for the café. Tomorrow, the café will be closed. The passation de pouvoir  will occur with the previous owner. She has graciously stayed in town to help me with the register and to let me in on any little astuces that us café owners need to know.  Wednesday, April 2nd is my first official day open. Will there be a poisson d'avril waiting for me? I guess we'll have to wait and see... So, please come by and visit and stay awhile.  The address of the café can be found here. And information on how to get there here. This is just a little blog I pulled together about the life around the café. And I will exercise my French writing skills, so be kind!

I'm off to enjoy mes coup de champagne with Julien. And get some rest... starting tomorrow, I'm a full time working mama in my own café!!! I can hardly believe it!!

And there are hard days...

I dropped Max off at Tata's. He was quietly sitting in his stroller as we approached her door.  The hallway dark as I hadn't tripped the minuterie to light the way.  I stood for a second before turning on the light but then Tata opened the door and was waiting for us.  She greeted us with a warm smile and reached out to get Max out of the stroller. She glanced at me and her face changed. I guess I wasn't hiding my feelings very well. I was wearing my emotions like a huge billboard across my forehead. 

Just a few minutes before arriving to Tata's, Max and I strolled through the park by her apt and I saw a group of older women practicing Tai Chi.  The build of these women, the way they held their hands and the way they fixed their hair reminded me so much of my mother. One woman in particular was intrigued by my presence and she studied my face. A smiled appeared and she waved. I smiled back shyly and I felt the tears stinging my eyes. Any one of those women could have been my mother. I wished that she was one of them.

Tata motioned for me to come in and I went and sat down on the her couch as she filled me in on the day's activities. Max was going to be Tata's only charge for the day as the other two children were on vacation.  I hugged Max to begin the goodbye process and he grasped tightly to my coat.  Tata watched but mostly looking at me, studying my face.  I felt the tears rising. I quickly stood up and I said "bye bye" to Max and he waved and said, "Ba, ba, Ma Ma". Before I ever realized it I was crying. I rushed for the door because I did not want Tata to see me upset.  When I am missing my mother and someone asks me what's wrong, I can not lie and say it's something else. I tell them that my mother died and I miss her. But responses like this make people uncomfortable so I try to avoid them if I can.  She stood in the doorway, shielding Max with her shoulder. I stood in the dark hallway pressing the elevator button as sheets of tears streamed down my face.  As I turned to bid them goodbye,  Tata quickly mentioned that Max shouldn't see me upset because that would only upset him. But I looked back at Max with tears in my eyes and he smiled and reached out for me. Giving me a sympathetic smile. One I've seen so many times when I am sad and missing my mom.  I said, "bye bye" and let the elevator door close.

Should I let Max see me upset? Of course, he should see me upset.  If anything, Max has seen the entire array of emotions that I own.  I don't cry everyday but I do cry most days. I miss my mom and I tell Max that everyday. We look at her photo and I talk about her to him. He clutches the photo and gives it kisses. I honestly believe he  understands. 

In the afternoon, I went to pick up Max and he was so excited to see me. He held his arms out to me, letting me falls into them as I inhaled his sweet baby scent.  The melancholia of today just seemed to melt away in that moment.  Walking home in the rain as my Converse sloshed and my wool coat hung heavy on my shoulders, I felt better. I imagined my mom if I had the chance to tell her about the cafe and I could see her reaction. Her clap and little jump that she'd do when she was excited about something. And before I knew it I was imitating her. I was standing in front of Max in the stroller clapping and jumping and Max broke into a series of baby giggles and clapped himself. 

I will never hide my feelings from Max. Omma never hid hers from me and that is one of the strongest memories I keep of her.

Busy, busy...

We are less than one week away from the final signature for the sale on the café.  Time is standing still. But as I feel like things are moving so slowly I can't shake this feeling that I won't get everything done before April 1.  I have lists. My lists have lists. My Moleskine is a huge mess. Note to self: get colored tab thingies for my Moleskine.

Today was Maximilien's first day with the nanny. She refers to herself as Ta Ta to the children. This is the adaptation week so Max only spent an hour with her today while I stayed on. Tomorrow I will leave him for two hours.  Friday he will spend a half day with her. Next week on Monday he will spend most of the day with her and try to take a nap and then Tuesday is his first full day alone with Ta Ta.  Max knows something is going on.  He's been giving Julien and I hugs and wanting us to hold him a lot lately.  I've been telling him everyday about Ta Ta and that I will go back to work.  This change in his routine will be hard for him but I am hopeful he will become acclimated to it very soon.  The café will be open 7 days a week. I have Thursdays off and will keep Max with me.

I can already tell this will be hard for me. Even today just sitting there watching Max play with the other children I felt very melancholy but kept it to myself the best I could. Ta Ta apparently could tell and said to me as we were leaving that it will get easier and that I can call and check on Max as much as I wanted to. I really do like her.

So, what's left to do?

- I have appointments with the Prefacture de Police to obtains liquor licenses and to get authorization for my terasse. Yes, there will be champagne sipping on my terasse this summer!

- I have declarations to make at Les Impots, Urssaf and Assedic. I will be getting my fill of French administrative offices in the coming week!

- I must call my tea suppliers and make my first orders for tea this week.

- Apply for my Métro card. Apparently Métro is similar to Sam's or Costco in the US but only   for people who own their own businesses.

- Figure out shelving for the café's cave which has very old walls that will not hold anything.

- I am waiting on an order of fabric so I can quickly sew up some table cloths.

- Decide on what desserts I'd like to serve the first week. I am thinking carrot cake and a chocolate cake. Maybe muffins, too.

- Oh, and sign a huge check over and receive the keys to my café!

I may not be blogging much in the coming week(s) but I am Twittering. My cell phone has internet access (I am what my friend calls hyper-connected) and I have been twittering quite a lot lately.  Something I twittered tonight I though I'd post here:

  Tweet me some titles to add to my play list for the cafe. What are you guys into these days?

Twitter me back or leave me a comment. I'm paying the radio tax to play music in my café (yes, there is a tax to play music in own business!) so I am loading up my iPod with fresh new play lists. What would you want to hear playing in your café?

Ok, it's really hit me now...

Today I went to the café (though not officially mine until the end of the month) and got to know the employee I am inheriting with the sale.  For the sake of her privacy, we'll just call her Elle.  She's young, honest and sweet.  She was nervous and that put me at ease because I was nervous too.  I think that we are going to get along just fine.

Once I arrived I took a moment to walk around and take in this moment. The café was quiet as it hadn't officially opened for the day so the blinds were pulled shut and the lamps still turned off.  I went over and stood at the door and looked out at the pietons passing by and wondered who would be the first to come in? In the main window the for sale sign was still hanging. I took sweet pleasure in taking that sign down. While we were still negotiating prices and playing the waiting game, I'd walk by the tea house and stand from afar to get a glimpse of my dream all the while that little sign silently taunting me.  I folded it up and put it in my bag to save.

Upon seeing the for sale sign gone, customers starting coming in and asking if the place was no longer for sale. It was surreal to introduce myself to these customers whom I later found out were almost daily regulars.  They checked me out. One peeking over her glasses the other with a half smile on her face, "Ah, c'est vous l'Americaine?!" That made me smile.  Elle knew them by name and where they lived.  They immediately started requesting that their favorite teas be reinstated as soon as possible. Much of the stock had been exhausted because the sale of the tea house took longer than anticipated.  I reassured them. Gave them my word and they bid me goodbye but with the promise that they would be back to check very, very soon. I got butterflies in my stomach.

For the next few weeks I will go to work in my own café and learn every little bit that I can.  I have my Moleskine handy and I am taking notes. Jotting down the things that I must change or things that I must absolutely keep. Tomorrow, I am bringing my real camera... I need visual notes.

There was a moment  when Elle had to run an errand and I was left all alone. The tea house was empty for the moment only radio Nova keeping me company.  I stood behind the kitchen/bar looking out into the room and it hit me in a huge wave. Tears welled in my eyes. I quickly sat down on the stool and caught my breath. I peeked over the bar once more and looked around. And again, the wave hit me like a Kansas gale and I quickly ducked down in case someone came in.  My dream. It's real.  Tears welling in my eyes right now as I type this... the feeling is still so raw in my mind.