Yesterday marks six years since my mother died. Typing the last three words is still so very hard. I hesitate every time but in the end I type it because it is what happened and I can't say it any other way.
Two years ago at this time I was preparing for the arrival of Alixe. With the passing of my mother I have learned one very important lesson: You have only one life. That means don't waste the time you have. I know with ever fiber of my being that my mother would be so proud of me right now because I haven't wasted time in the past six years. I had Maximilien, I opened L'OisiveThé, I had Alixe and now I consciously live my life with the thought that I only have this one life and I don't hesitate to make the big decisions. I would give up in a heart beat ...this confidence in my descision making to have my mother back but life is not like this and I can't live in a fantasy world. It's hard to think like this because I miss her so much. The pain in my heart is *still* there but now it's an expected emotion, my constant reminder to live my life. Move forward. Kiss my children and husband and tell them everyday how important they are to me. It reminds me to get out of bed and get moving because this is my life and I have to live.
The last time I saw my mother was in 2003 just after Julien and I had gotten married the second time. Such a long time ago but still so very fresh in my mind. I remember holding my mother's hand in the airport before saying goodbye. She took a photo of us before going through the gate to our plane. I snapped one back of my parents waving good bye to us through the glass plate window at MCI. This moment forzen in time in a photo was the very last time I saw her... she was happy and waving to us like she always used to do when we'd leave for school.
Now I wave the exact same way every morning from our kitchen window as Julien, Maximilien and Alixe leave to start their day. I don't think I can ever put to words how this loss has come to shape me. I still don't understand how to deal with it sometimes. I've come to the realization that I may never fully understand or accept. My children are the best remedy when it comes to my grief. I understand what the five of us brought to our parent's lives. When I don't know how to deal I find my children and hug them.
I live a life with loss. I won't kid you and say it's totally doable. I sometimes find myself in a panic of grief in public because this epic feeling overcomes me. Yesterday while having lunch with Julien we both saw a woman sitting across the way and she could have been Omma today. She was dressed like my mom and the way she sat and ate with her hair styled around her face reminded both of us of her. Entranced and engulfed by my grief, I let the feeling wash over me. It is still so very hard and I have taught myself that it will be hard for the rest of my life.